If you are a SAHP why?

[cattyfranny]

Currently I am a SAHM, I am studying at Uni and I volunteer but I don’t have a paid job (I have a 2 yr old home and 7 yr old at school)

When I meet new people they assume that I have been “forced” into this position either because childcare costs are too high or crazily that my DH asked me to stay home! They seem to think it’s unthinkable to choose to be a SAHM 🤷‍♀️

If you are at home with your children, did you willingly choose to do it? Would you prefer to be at work? Why are you a SAHP?

When you stop denying that sex-based roles make lots of sense, are comfortable and work best for the children, you are so much happier aren't you?

🤢🤢🤢

Mu husband works very long hours and our child's bond with him is beautiful to witness. She absolutely adores him.

All this point scoring is a daily occurrence on here.

The very reason my husband is able to bond so well though is because we are both entirely stress-free given we take on single roles. The stability that the traditional family brings is invaluable.

You can achieve it whilst both working I'm sure, and if you can hats off but I wouldn't want to be under such constant stress.

Me being a SAHM was one of the first decisions we made after finding out I was pregnant, which was a huge thing for my now husband to take on as we'd only been together 3 months. I've always appreciated it so much.
We then chose to home educate, so I've been a SAHM for 13yrs now. I didn't want to pay other people to be with my children, I wanted to raise them, be with them, enjoy them and not miss out on anything. We have such a relaxed, laid back lifestyle and we're all happy, which is what is most important.

Absolutely love it. We run businesses so I’m not completely free from some work but, for the most part, my time is my own.

Choose it because I can. I don’t need to work and don’t know anyone who would choose that life if they had a fully financially secure future.

I was a SAHM for 9 years when my 3 DC were small. DH earned a lot more and we could just about manage on one salary, plus both of us felt it was best for the children. I was perfectly happy to be at home, they were very happy years. It was always the plan that I'd go back to work so I returned part time when my youngest started school and full time when he started secondary, by which time I was delighted to go back. I've no regrets, I'm glad I was able to do it.

I'd love to be but we simply cannot afford it unfortunately

I did choose to be a SAHM but I also really didn't have much choice in the end anyway.

I adopted after 10 years of TTC and after 20 years of working up to management level in banking.

Reasons why I chose to be a SAHM :

My job was not one that could be done part time ( employer said business needs meant they would insist on full time or a downgraded position) and I also knew it would be too tough to combine the full time job with parenting due to the long hours expected.

Cost of childcare was also a huge factor as I'd have needed a live in Nanny.

We could easily afford to live on one salary.

Husband in similar style of job so same issues for him.

Reason why I had to be a SAHM anyway : we were matched with a baby and the adoption agency stipulated I'd have to be. SAHM as that's what they had promised birth mother when she relinquished him.

After 10 years of TTC and 20 years of working I was ready to commit to being a SAHM

I never went back to work. My DC are now 14 and 17 and the youngest has a chronic condition which requires lots of hospital treatment and medical appointments so working around her needs would still be difficult.

I'm 52 now - DH and I now looking forward to his retirement so we can enjoy some more time together.

I didn't choose it but am incredibly happy I did it. I had a year maternity leave with Ds, returned to work for 6 months then Dh was offered a job in a better location, more opportunities for work, much closer to family and I could walk into the same job I had. Turned out my not so great health massively improved when we moved and I was sorting out unpacking the house and getting Ds into a new nursery. So not juggling work and childcare removed a lot of stress and I felt so much better.

We had a talk, we said we would try it for 6 months as I was concerned about the financial side, about how I would feel not earning money. That was 18 years ago. Went on to have Ds2. My deteriorating health means I can never work, not even part time. On bad days I can just be bed ridden and Dh worked from home to be able to do school runs.

I am lucky to have my own car and access to all monies. Financially we are incredibly comfortable, have lovely holidays and a nice house. Didn't stop people telling me about lunch time jobs going in school or suggesting I should take up tutoring or some such nonsense. I have enjoyed it, enjoyed the house stuff too, made it work for the family.

Let’s be real- there are different types due to circumstances. Having toddlers (especially more than one), children with special needs… it’s not the same at all as someone who has kids at school with plenty of money. To be honest I have three autistic children, the youngest are 4 and 2. Work is a million times easier than trying to entertain the youngest two together ever was.

Topgub - my DH is not me and I don't need him to be. We are different people. I don't understand your argument. How would me working mean he was a better parent?

I was for a few years. DH worked away, no family/support, nursery is extortionate, SEN kids. I didn’t have a career path. Being at home actually really boosted my confidence. I started freelance WFH then started my own business.Was nice to have those early years at home.

I consider myself to be very lucky to be able to be a SAHM. Love it, I will return to teaching once my youngest DC starts school but at the moment I am enjoying every moment of it

@sorbet5

That wasn't my argument or question.

You said you'd need to reframe the question and ask why you'd not get the joy of your kids?

How come that doesn't apply to your husband?

Is it ok for others to not want the joy of their kids? Just you personally couldn't miss it?

He does get his joy if his kids but he didn't need to SAH because he has a wife who is the child's mother snd wants to do that herself? This is a non issue.

@sorbet5

It's not an issue, I'm just asking why you feel that you'd need to reframe the question into why you would work and miss the joy but your dh wouldn't?

If your dh can work and not miss the joy then so can everyone else who works

Win win

I was a SAHP as i wanted to spend as much time as i could with my DS when he was little. I really enjoyed it, we spent loads of time doing fun things, i met a great group who we spent time with it was a brilliant time and im so glad i took that time out so spend with him. I still seen my friends, i still carried on with training etc.

Its down to choice, luckily i had that.

I havent read the thread but i bet i can guess how its gone.

Topgub - I'm telling you how I felt in my own life. There are things I am prepared to compromise on, and things I am not. There is no way in hell a nanny or childminder was getting the most part of our kids waking hours. It never occurred to DH or me to get a nanny, or put our kids in a nursery. It did not even enter our heads at any point as a remote possibility. So that is why, from our POV, we we would reframe the question "Why didn't you use childcare?" to "Why WOULD you use childcare if you didn't have to and didn't want to?" It's not default.

Because my career was incompatible with my vision of motherhood and family life (I wouldn’t have seen them Monday-Friday and at least half of a weekend day)

Because I didn’t want to leave a non-verbal child (looking back, actually up to school age) with strangers/non family

Because life as a working parent would have left very little time for other things in life. With me at home, I’m available to relieve DH of non-work responsibilities so he has more leisure time than if I worked; non-school time for the children doesn’t revolve around their parents doing necessary stuff all the time (we make sure some of it is though, so they learn what everyday life takes)

Because DH’s career is even more stressful than mine was (think air traffic controller type stress). If I’d been absent, his 8-6 job + kids + FT spouse in a 8-8 job would have left him ragged by age 40.

We both agreed it was for the best for all of us. I’ve hated parts of it, absolutely relished parts of it, and now feel I’m one of the luckiest women alive to have the life and family I have. I’m hyper aware of this.

My children are primary school age and I haven’t worked for 11 years or so.

mainly because dh likes me being at home (he works full time from home) and he knows I would want everything in the house split 50/50 if I was out there working.

dh is also a very high earner, yet the only jobs I’m trained to do is minimum wage jobs.

it’s suits everyone that he works, and I sort the house and children out

I stayed at home until youngest went to nursery 3 mornings a week, took on PT jobs.
Once both at FT school I worked PT 5 days around school hours.
All PT jobs were term time only so I was lucky I didn't have to worry about childcare

I wanted to be with my kids as much as possible and not use childcare. I thoroughly enjoyed it. DH also worked hours that meant he could be home a lot to be with the children but earning enough to allow me to stay home providing we didn't go crazy. Now the kids are bigger they're independent enough to let me leave them alone if my part time job overlaps DH's. All my earnings are extra cash for treats, home improvements and a holiday next year which will be nice. I'll always be glad I stayed home and my kids got the benefit too.

Because Its what I wanted and had always planned. Adore being with them all the time even though I'm pushed to my limits daily! I'm getting to see everything and really enjoy this stage of life. If I'm being honest though, I've never loved going to work, dragging myself out of bed in the dark to get on a tram across the city, I'd rather stay in bed with my babies!!

@sorbet5

You seem to be missing the point that not giving up work is the default for the vast majority of men.

Did it for three years. Was climbing the walls from boredom, the drudgery of childcare and housework. So glad I went back to work. My children have a happy mum now who feels fulfilled vs one who was just going through all the motions.

"You seem to be missing the point that not giving up work is the default for the vast majority of men."

So what though? Men are not women and it's ok to respond differently when children come along. It's quite natural.