If you are a SAHP why?

[cattyfranny]

Currently I am a SAHM, I am studying at Uni and I volunteer but I don’t have a paid job (I have a 2 yr old home and 7 yr old at school)

When I meet new people they assume that I have been “forced” into this position either because childcare costs are too high or crazily that my DH asked me to stay home! They seem to think it’s unthinkable to choose to be a SAHM 🤷‍♀️

If you are at home with your children, did you willingly choose to do it? Would you prefer to be at work? Why are you a SAHP?

Various reasons.
It's worked well for our circumstances, although I didn't really expect it to be as long term as it has been. I think I'm at the stage where I'm unemployed rather than a SAHM although I'm not actively job seeking which tends to confuse people.

I don't think I've met anyone in RL who really cares why I'm a SAHM though. If anyone has then they haven't said it to me.

I'm a sahm ,we chose it ,I love it and it is what is best for our family .

Yes and loved it. Went back to work part time when my youngest started school.

I never come across SAHPs in real life as I live in London where you need two salaries to be able to afford to breathe, it seems. I literally don’t know a single one. So it’s nice to get that perspective on MN.

After I had my second the daycare costs would have been more than my take home pay. I was in my early 40s so had been working for 20 years so was happy to stop. My husband was a high earner.

I wanted to be home with my kids and drop them off and pick them up from school. Luckily my dh wanted the same and earned enough that I could.

I did retrain during the last couple of years at home but I didn’t plan that when I gave up
work, it just made sense as the kids got older and needed me less to make a plan to return to work.

I went part time with both my D.C. but the past year I have had to be a SAHM as I have the worst mental health and am falling apart, so not able to work.
It’s a bit shit to be honest. I would not wish poor mental health on anyone. I feel really unwell. And so scared of how it makes me feel 😢

@SchoolQuestionnaire

Yes I did this too. Many of my friends who remained at work did so whilst coasting in certain jobs that remained quite family friendly and haven’t actually progressed all that much like you would expect. That’s not a problem and it may suit them but what I am trying to say is careers can often stall even if the mother remains at work. I’ve known people to take a good few years out, retrain in nursing and then surpass their friends career wise who remained in work.

We felt strongly that we wanted to look after them ourselves, and both were willing to be SAHPs, or work, but after discussion we both agreed that I'd be a SAHM (although by the time #2 came along we were both SAHPs). It's been brilliant being able to do it and both be at school assemblies, parents eves etc.

I can't find the post now but , other than having breaststroke, why are you and not your DH considered the best person to look after your children? Why not dad?

I chose it and i love it. Both my kids are in school now and i have no intentions of going back. I feel very lucky, that i have this option.
I always find so much to do with volunteer work, our pets, household, driving kids around, hobbies etc. And i have lots of sahm friends i can hang out with anytime i want.
it really is the best life.
DH doesnt get it! Hes always glad when the weekend is over and he can head back to work. He finds it hard work with our kids and couldnt do it all day long. I actually really enjoy it, even when its hard sometimes.

But i guess its a good thing that he wouldnt wanna do it. We both get to do what we prefer and nobody feels resentful.

I don't know which post you mean, but for us it makes sense for me to be at home. We met young and had to travel about for dh's work. I had to take whatever I could get in terms of work when we moved. That, plus dh just generally being more blessed in the brains department than I am, meant that his earning potential is a lot higher than mine. Working full time as I have been, my salary was about a third of his. That's part of the reason I get to be at home and retrain - so I can contribute more in the long term. But in the short term it also means I get to be at home more for him and the kids which will be lovely for all of us (I hope)!

Breasts not breaststroke. 😏

I just thought you were complimenting our swimming skills 😁

I am a SAHM because we can afford it without any noticeable impact on our lifestyle and mainly, I felt I had more to offer my kids then anyone else. 15 years now and never regretted it. For me, the question would be reframed as 'why WOULD pay another woman to get the joy of your kids if you don't have to.?"

@sorbet5

Why was your oh ok you to getting the joy of his kids and not him?

Did he not mind missing the joy?

OP doesn't say full time , she says student. I'm a student, but i study evenings distance learning when DC are in bed. Rest of the time i'm looking after them. I'm a SAHP far more than a student.

she's clearly said she thinks she has more to offer the kids than he does

I'm guessing you're responding to me, @FortSalem86 , as I made the comment about being the best person to care for my DC, over and above everyone else.

In actual fact, the breasts were pretty important - I breastfed both of mine till 3.5, and DD, in particular, was a very high needs baby who for quite some time could only be calmed and soothed with breastfeeding.

But also, whilst I realise it's an unpopular opinion and one that makes people quite angry, I do think the bond between a mother and her baby is special and irreplaceable. You literally grow them inside you. They share your immune system. Your heartbeat is one the first sounds they hear. They know your voice before they even meet you. In fact they know you before they even meet you.

All a baby wants, all it needs, is its mother. In situations where that isn't possible, other caregivers can and do make wonderful, wonderful parents - I'm not saying otherwise. But a willing and happy mum, that's the gold standard. We do mothers and children a disservice by pretending otherwise.

you said you're both SAHP so did you both give up work and survive on benefits in order to both voluntarily be at home? Or you've come into money so don't need to, been forced into it for care reasons etc?

Is she?

That's not how I read it.it read to me as questioning why any woman works instead of 'raising' their child(ren)

But she's not asking her oh that.

Funnily enough

You're right but there's a trend to deny this. Nesting is real. Nurturing dispositions are real and most often belong to mothers.

Hunger gatherers are real and women and men have had sex-based roles in families and communities since the dawn of man.

Evolution means these traits will remain. It's just facetiousness that makes people ask about stay at homes dads.

It's not chance or social conditioning that mums nurture children and fathers breadwin.

When you stop denying that sex-based roles make lots of sense, are comfortable and work best for the children, you are so much happier aren't you?

Many reasons, one being that I am one of millions of people who wouldn’t work if they didn’t need to. Sooooo many other fantastic ways to spend your time 😃😃

Kids are 7, 5 and 6 months.

DH works abroad a fair amount (probably on average a couple of weeks every other month). Life would be soooooo much more complicated and stressful if I had to literally work around that along with doing 100% of the childcare and cooking and house stuff while he’s away. Also while he’s away it’s always then that someone gets ill or something in the house breaks, typical! So if I had to work too….. no.

In order to make any kind of good money I’d need to retrain probably - I had DC1 in my ‘wtf am I doing with my life’ phase so haven’t had a career yet, just jobs.

My life is sooooo full with mainly stuff I choose to do and stuff that is fun. So I’d be mad to change that right now! I have a lot of savings in my name, plus a gem of a DH, so I’m not worried, but of course I realise shit can hit the fan.

I have a list of places to volunteer when youngest is at nursery in a couple of years, and when she’s at school I’ll get a job. Just using my time now to try and figure out WHAT job! Absolutely loving my SAHM years and not sure this isn’t my peak tbh! Absolutely in my element.

SAHM here. Chose it because I did not feel I could be both an excellent mother and an excellent employee, not at the same time anyway, and I wasn’t willing to be less than that.

When children were young it was bliss. Adored it, best years of my life. Loved playgroups etc. When the youngest turned around age 9, things changed. I’d gone from being their goddess to being a cleaner/cook. DH’s career had meanwhile rocketed skywards since I became SAHM (and took care of everything that wasn’t his job), and now he and I have so much less in common than we used to, it worries me. But there is no point trying to get a job again now after 15 years out of workplace when DH is on very high income, I’d probably be contributing 5% of household income and still have the same issues at home.

Most women I know are now back at work, so the lovely lunches and coffees seem to be over. Don’t know what to do with myself.

Would I recommend being a SAHM? For the early years absolutely, but I stayed with it too long.

I didn't breastfeed but still have a very strong bond. Mine prefer me to their dad. 😂
I don't deny the strong bond between a mother and child however I think father's need the chance to bond. If that means being the SAHP at some points so be it.