If you are a SAHP why?

[cattyfranny]

Currently I am a SAHM, I am studying at Uni and I volunteer but I don’t have a paid job (I have a 2 yr old home and 7 yr old at school)

When I meet new people they assume that I have been “forced” into this position either because childcare costs are too high or crazily that my DH asked me to stay home! They seem to think it’s unthinkable to choose to be a SAHM 🤷‍♀️

If you are at home with your children, did you willingly choose to do it? Would you prefer to be at work? Why are you a SAHP?

For now, I'm a SAHP. My 4 year old has ASD and a chromsomal abnormality which means its very unfeasible for both of us to be working.

She is on a reduced timetable so is home by midday.

I've only recently emerged from a depressive episode which has lasted months so I'm not looking for a job right now but we are looking to move in January and I've floated the idea that we swap roles and he stays home with her so I can return to work instead.

All being well, by next September, we can both comfortably work full time, but we shall see.

It has definitely had an impact on my mental health, but I can't say I've regretted staying at home with her.

@CarefreeMe

well the OP is looking after a 2 year old, and if she wasn’t doing that, she’d be paying someone else to.

Both parents working PT is a great idea, but in practice it’s hard to have a good career PT, so it’s often not practical

Because i want to be a brain-dead, unemployed layabout leeching off my husband, obvs. 😁

Mine happened because I don't get any support from family. Wrap around care and holiday clubs are too expensive for me. I am enjoying it though.

This is the most baffling thing to me. Being at home with an internet connection and books surely provides far more ample opportunity for learning than what is oftentimes a function-performing role that takes up 8 hours of your day. Every single woman so critical of not working surely is not in a role which stimulates her mind and provides varied things to do each day?

I can learn about absolutely anything without anyone asking me to file a report or clean a floor any time I want, how could I possibly be brain dead?

Chose it, I had two children very close in age so childcare would have been very expensive and I thought what's the point, I might as well stay home since we can afford it.

You sound very bitter

I assumed I'd go back to work after mat leave, but ds was born very poorly, was still really poorly at the point of making a decision, actually got poorlier once I decided to leave, and needed a lot of support and medical appts etc. I couldn't have managed to hold down a job.

At the point I could have looked at a term time job (I'd have struggled to get him into childcare with his needs) i got pregnant with twins.
Had them, covid hit.
They're now nearly 3, i left my job 7.5 years ago, and I'll look at a part time job once they're full time.

Controversially, DH only earns a basic wage so we rely on benefit top ups.

I have volunteered for nearly 15 years and have managed to maintain that, and have taken on more responsibility, i also have just started volunteering with my sons hobby, and I'm studying with the OU. DS still has several hospital appts a year, i'm his 121 on school trips and occasionally have to go in and check stuff

I chose it because it was where I was needed and where I could do the most good.

she sounds like she's been on a lot of threads on mn about how awful SAHPs are

SAHM to two toddler DC by choice. Currently ttc DC3 so intend to stay at home a while longer yet. My husband very much supported my decision not to return to work after having DC1 because I hated my job and couldn't stomach the thought of going back. We are very fortunate that DH has a very highly paid job, and I have an "income" through houses that we jointly own and rent out. So I don't feel I am living off DH (not that I'd mind if I was - it's our money at the end of the day). DC both go to nursery 2 days per week which gives me time to myself, I think I'd feel very differently if we had money troubles and I was alone at home with 2 toddlers 5 days a week. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have the best of both worlds, and so do the children. I wouldn't change it for the world! (Neither would my husband, he regularly says he could never do what I do)

Exactly, @SleepingStandingUp . All the faux concern stuff about "leaving yourself vulnerable" or the passive aggressive "I would be SO bored" stuff is just so tiring.

Some people just can't cope with other families making different choices. I could not give two hoots if you return to your high-powered city job at 14 days post partum and work full time. So full time workers, or part time workers, or whatever, should not give two hoots about choices people make to stay at home.

But lots of people think it's entirely acceptable to say that their brain would rot if they didn't go out to work each day, or that women who aren't working are leeches.

I was at college when we had our first so we were used to one income. Me working minimum wage and needing child care would have put us in a deficit. Back to college second baby, same as above. By the time we had our third we were almost better off than those worrying about having their first and not being able to afford to take 9months leave. Now we have a company and I’m a payee employee. It’s worked out ok but I wouldn’t have had baby two and three without a wedding ring.

Absolutely couldn't agree more. I find it unbelievably insulting when people say they hate the idea of being a SAHP because "they'd have nothing to talk to their partner about when they got home from work". Sorry?! Is your only topic of conversation about work? If so, I pity you. My husband & I have a LOT to say to each other at the end of each day, as my day is full enough despite the fact "I don't go to work". Just because I don't sit in an office doesn't mean I don't speak to other adults all day. It's just juvenile and reeks of jealousy.

It's a classic case of good for you, not for me

If all you can talk about is works gossip I hate to see your marriages when you retire tbh.

When I was a sahm its because i wanted to. I did with my teen. Returned to old Job when they started school.
Hated juggling work, school etc.
I could have quit despite dc being at school but i loved my colleagues and it was a laugh.

When was pregnant with 2nd i quit after maternity. Never returned. Had 3rd who's now nearly 3 and wfh. But as and when i choose. I could do 1 hr a week, 10 or 30. When i want. And works well.
As its like being a sahm with a good salary.

I chose it and my baby isn't even here yet! Due in a few months, there were lots of factors that went into my decision. Moved country, needed to do a lot of paperwork etc to convert my qualification, got a totally unrelated job in the meantime, really enjoyed it but got pregnant and was very sick so instead of messing them about (I wasn't entitled to sick leave pay and it was a very small team) I just thanked them and left! My qualification came through about 2 months ago and now I could teach here if I wanted, but I'm 6 months pregnant and just moved into a new house, so im spending my time and effort decorating and making myself at home! I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way. Probably won't go back to teaching until I'm a few kids in and they're all at school!

I wanted to raise my children not someone else.

I would be a SAHP in a heart beat. We aren’t in the situation so dropped my hours instead as a compromise. But if I had a choice I would be a SAHM.

I think it’s lovely, I enjoyed my mat leave, daily walks and play groups. I was in my element, definitely not for everyone. I’m not the biggest fan of my job, it’s stressful and I’ve lost my passion for it. I wonder if that’s why someone would choose to be a SAHP, it’s the more fulfilling role to take for them?

@HeraldicBlazoning

As boring as all the sly digs about working meaning children are being neglected

As tiresome as having to listen to the sake old sexist shite

I’m a sahm but I didn’t really choose it. It’s complicated. I was long term unemployed before I got pregnant 4 years ago. I have mh problems and other problems that make it really difficult for me to work or study. I am fairly smart but didn’t finish school, get exams or go to college. I was on a special training programme to help get me into employment, then I got pregnant. At the time I even thought I might eventually look for a job after the baby was born but then my mh went to hell and Covid hit a few months after I had dd. We are used to living on my dp’s income so that is not an issue. Looking back, me starting a job and trying to cope with being a ftm was ridiculous and never going to happen. So I’m sort of a sahm by default. DP wfh a lot and does loads at home so I don’t do all the housework etc. Honestly, I don’t think being a sahm is particularly good for me. I’m lonely, isolated, understimulated and exhausted simultaneously and don’t get any time for myself. But I do love spending time with my dd and not having to have her in childcare. Maybe in the future I might try to do another training program or look for supported employment or something.
A big part of my problem with being a sahm is the isolation. There are hardly any baby or toddler groups where I live and most of them it’s women with small babies on mat leave who come in a pair or group/ have no interest in making friends. Lockdown made it more difficult obviously but it’s crap anyway. I tried a group in the library, nobody else turned up. Nobody around here is a sahp, they’re all working. There’s not even any small kids around, they’re all in childcare if they’re not in school. Dd is in preschool and the other kids are picked by either grannies or childminders or parents in cars on their phones etc. Nobody to talk to there even for a few minutes.
I don’t have any friends to meet up with, not close with my family either.
Honestly, I think they’re are very few who choose to be a sahp, can afford to do it comfortably and find lots of enjoyment and fulfilment in it. If so, you are very lucky. I agree with pp that if you are a student and that, I wouldn’t really call that a sahp.

That's just as offensive to people who choose to work as the nonsense about brains turning to mush, tbh.

@CarefreeMe it's not selfish at all. It's what works best for the family. In my case my dh was the higher earner with more prospects. It would have been selfish of me to potentially harm his career by asking him to go part time.
Also, do you not think us sahm work? We don't all sit around watching This Morning, Loose Women etc. There's the housework, child care, shopping, cooking etc. This doesn't all get done by itself while the husbands/partners are grafting you know!

I was fortunate to be able to choose it but tbh our lifestyle would not have possible if we had had to pay through the nose for private childcare as there were no nursery spaces (lived in overcrowded london area)

Now DD2 is going to school next year and I will be going back - DH and I work for ourselves so I have been part time on and off anyway - but in total I will have been a SAHM for 8 years. Loved it. Not every moment mind, but I don’t enjoy working in general and I adored being with my children when they were small. It has been some of the most precious years of my life

Well I didn't mean to offend anyone. I only answered the Question from my reason not everyone else's