If you are a SAHP why?

[cattyfranny]

Currently I am a SAHM, I am studying at Uni and I volunteer but I don’t have a paid job (I have a 2 yr old home and 7 yr old at school)

When I meet new people they assume that I have been “forced” into this position either because childcare costs are too high or crazily that my DH asked me to stay home! They seem to think it’s unthinkable to choose to be a SAHM 🤷‍♀️

If you are at home with your children, did you willingly choose to do it? Would you prefer to be at work? Why are you a SAHP?

I didn’t plan to but when it came to going back I really didn’t want to. Hated the thought of leaving my child at a nursery and actually ended up enjoying full time parenting more than I thought. I didn’t ever love my job and realised I was climbing a career ladder I didn’t care about. Thought I could enjoy being a sahp for a few years and then go back into a career change when the time was right. Always said I’d go back sooner if I wasn’t enjoying being at home but actually started loving it more and more!

I had postpartum psychosis followed by other mental health issues. I wasn't fit to return to work. Kids are now 7 and 4. I've gained degree number 2 and am working on number 3. I do various voluntary things for a range of charities and I do ad hoc hours for the Local Authority in a similar role to my previous job (paid).

I'd like to go back when my youngest starts school next year but no idea doing what. My original plan was destroyed during Covid as I had a massive mental health relapse and feel that rules me out of the field I intended.

I worked p/t and f/t in the early years when they were at nursery, it was the year of working f/t, with one in nursery, one in school (with wrap around care), DH working abroad a lot and the final straw being industrial action at DS's school leaving us paying for unusable childcare after I had to collect him at lunchtime and bring him to work because there was nothing else I could do with a 5 year old in the middle of the working day.

It was supposed to be a short break for a couple of years but it turns out that DS has ASD and he hated the wrap around care. With no support network, a lack of appropriate childcare, our quality of life is better for me being a SAHM, rather than me also trying to throw my demanding job into the mix. Despite being y7, DS still needs an adult around in the holidays as his hunger isn't brilliantly regulated, and he struggles with self care. His younger sibling is more self-sufficient but too young to leave. Hopefully I can return to work in a couple of years when DS2 doesn't need childcare too, DS2 and 1 can be left together, DS1 has more skills and they have the same holidays.

It's not impossible to work, but options are restricted and my former job not currently viable. I'd say it's a restricted choice. It's lonely though because there isn't a SAHM culture of juniors age+ here so there aren't women of my age group avaliable in the day in this area. I'm good at keeping busy but it's all solitary.

You aren't a sahm if you are a full time student ?

If you're a full time student then you aren't a "stay at home parent".

I love it. We both want it and it works like a dream. We each have our role and come together to enjoy our family. I take care of this house alongside my work, of which I can do as much or as little as I like/have time for.

It works so well because he isn't coming home from a long day having to work again, but to simply enjoy his home and spend quality family time.

Our child is always met at the school gate by me, taken by me, and I'm on hand for her at all times. We have zero childcare costs and a very happy child.

It's just what works. Also it's enabled me to upskill to a degree where I am well paid for what I do, and do something I enjoy. I make £1,000/month and work 10 hours a week. I couldn't have got to this position if I had had to work out of the home or full-time and have my mind focused on bills and targets.

Similarly he couldn't juggle his work, studies, and then have headspace to relax and be present for family time if he had to come home to dishes or other chores.

In a business you hire people to do specific roles, you don't hire a staff and ask them all to perform a bit of every single function.

I don't see why it should be any different for a family. This works really well for us, and for many others in the past. It's also making a massive cultural resurgence.

I'm a SAHM. It just made sense

I was a SAHM until both my DC went to school, and the reason why was very simple: I believed I was the best person to care for my children. Not a nanny, or a childminder, or a nursery or a grandparent or even DH - me.

I didn't have a choice actually. Our nursery was £1356/month and I earned on full time £1421. Plus, I'm in London and my Oyster card costs minimum £150/month. Yes, I know, my husband has to pay too but it sounds crazy to spend for childcare and travelling to work more than I earn on full time. Nursery was struggling with staff levels and I was told to keep my son home for 2 months. No family in UK.
I'm much better now, doing few hours a week + looking after my child.

Burnt out of a very high pressure job. Made a career change and was just finding my feet as an intern when the bottom fell out of my new industry and there was a hiring freeze. I was pregnant and got nowhere in interviews with a bump. Recession was starting to hit hard. When ds arrived I had nothing lined up to go back to and was struggling with post natal anxiety. Had another dc, and then the eldest’s special needs became apparent.
I’ve tried several times to get back into education and work and had to give up. Dh is a business owner, and doesn’t have the flexibility to give more support than he already does. Ds needs a lot of quiet, emotional background support. He seems like he’s doing well, but he doesn’t cope with extra childcare hours of “being on” or disrupted schedules.

Looking back I can now see that undiagnosed adhd was a huge factor for me but even knowing what supports would make a difference there’s nothing available for me.

I’d like the break that work would bring, and to use my brain properly. I’d really like the social respect that work brings; many people treat me like shit on their shoe if I say I’m not working. I’d like the financial independence, even though I’m well protected. I still find myself deferring to DH’s wishes when we disagree about money.

There is a lot that I like about being a sahm. My life is less stressful and more peaceful and out quality of life as a family is much higher. I’d say, on the whole, it was the best decision for my family but not necessarily the best decision for me.

I think it’s very selfish to choose to be a SAHP simply because you don’t want to work, if your DP is having to work FT.

Most people don’t choose to be a SAHP just because they don’t want to work though l, so I can see why your friends would be shocked that someone would be ok with staying at home not working all day for years, when your DP was out grafting hard.
If this was the case the best solution would be to both work PT.

Care ... surely people do what's best for their individual circumstances? (If they are lucky enough to have choice). My DH was desperate to be a Dad, I didn't mind either way if we had a DC or not but I wasn't prepared to get stressed about working and raising a DC. DH was very happy for me to be at home - finances weren't an issue - after a few years he chose to go self employed to give him more time at home too. My decision was no more 'selfish' than his decision to want a baby .

I did exactly this when mine were small. My husband bloody loved his job at that point and was more than happy with the situation.

Not selfish in any way. He didn’t have to make any career sacrifices and could work as many hours as he needed (wanted) to without having to worry about the children.

Im back at work now and I know practicality wise he’d prefer I wasn’t! Although as he’s a decent chap and we discuss our decisions he’s happy because I’m happy.

And surely the danger with both working part time is that BOTH careers and long term prospects are negatively impacted.

And it's definitely cheaper. We used to order lots of take aways, simply didn't have a power to cook after 12hrs shifts cleaning rooms.
Now I'm planning every single meal. Looking for sales, offers, etc. Able to go to bakery when they reducing their stuff, yellow stickers, etc.

Not a SAHM anymore, but i was for the best part of 10 years. I did it because i wouldnt have trusted anyone else to look after my kids (with the possible exception of my mum, but she was too far away and wouldnt have done it anyway)

I chose it, I couldn't wait to stay home with the kids. I work part time now but I don't have to. I'm fully qualified in my profession so I always have a B plan to go back to my career. It makes life so much easier to have one of us available at all times.

As it happens had I not chosen it I would have been forced to for over a year due to SEN and no suitable school place anyway.

That's interesting, because most of the time the narrative I've seen on here is that it's cruel to ask a woman to give up her career and it's the man who's benefitting from integral respect from the children because children only respect people with capitalist economic value and cannot possibly respect their primary carer.

Your view is far more coherent, but you must realise that this is a situation which would be decided between the two people involved? You can't just choose not to work while your partner works because the working partner would not just say 'okay' and go off to work like a slave as there's no reason why they would have to.

I don't enjoy employment personally but do like earning money and enjoy what I do as it's creative and buildings towards things, but I have literally zero financial responsibility because my husband sees it as his job and likes it that way.

Like I said in my PP, this is a set up that's been done throughout the modern western civilisation and one that is coming back into popularity, and I think it's because it works excellently for all involved.

You might call it regressive, and one can't deny that it is because it harks back to a different time, but at the same time I don't want to progress towards a situation where we both have to work full-time and feel stress and have less time with our child.

Because I'm at home doing everything I am able to provide nutritious cooked meals with a very low food budget, time to shop around, cook from scratch, and give my husband and child a home where they can flourish, as well as myself, and without juggling many things at once in which one thing inevitably gets neglected because of that.

I chose to be a stay at home mum for the first 7 years, my husband perused his career whilst I gave mine up. I didn’t have children to put them in full time childcare. However my marriage broke down and I began working part time and had to claim tax credits. It was a long hard slog to rebuild my career and upskill, 10 years later I’m doing well and running a successful business. But it was tough for a while having given up my career, whilst my ex husband thrived. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have given it all up, it leaves woman very vulnerable.

I've always wanted to be a SAHM. My mum stayed at home, and my early memories with her are irreplaceable. I wanted to give my own children that special time too. When I left my job, everyone was so quick to tell me how foolish I was being and how much I'd hate being at home, how much harder it is etc. But three years in, I can safely say it was the best decision I've ever made. My toddlers are bloody hard work! But I feel nowhere near as worn down and exhausted as I did when I worked, and I didn't even have a demanding job or work long hours. We don't want to have any more children, but I will feel absolutely bereft when they start school and I have to look for employment again.

Also this

I loved being a sahm. I literally loved every minute of being with my kids when they were that little. I think I'll always look back at those years and think they were some of the best of my life. I've just returned to work as my youngest got his 30hours and a job I love was offered to me. I'm so grateful we could easily afford for me to be at home for that time though.

18 year in here. DH had a very demanding job with lots of exams. No family support nearby. His career was a much higher earning than mine.
We looked into me going back after DS two was born - I was on a career break but with travel and childcare costs I would have made a such a small amount it was easier to do babysitting to earn some extra money.
Then we moved abroad as he got a job with a different company. His office was in the english language. I didn’t speak a word of the local language when I arrived. In this country primary school age kids came home at lunch times and 2/3 times week after lunch - no afternoon school.
DH started to do more exams and now much more travelling for work.
And it works for us. I deal with 99% of the kids and home/domestic/school stuff.
He works really hard, can fully concentrate on it and appreciates what work that I do.

Indirect financial (wouldn't gain enough to justify time taken) plus conflict with DH's job and lack of wrap around childcare.

I'm going back to work next month and really looking forward to it.

If this was the case the best solution would be to both work PT.

Not always that simple though. The company that dh works for won't allow reduced hours. They are brilliant in many ways, he's had 4 pay raises at least since March 2020, cost of living bonuses and he's got an excellent benefits package plus he likes his job so that's just not an option for us.