To not want to give lifts with baby in the car

[alwaysfrazzled]

My baby is four months old and is a nightmare in the car. She screams the place down and always drops her dummy which upsets her even more. If I need to go anywhere in the car I make it short journeys and if I have to go anywhere longer than ten mins I always go with someone else in the back.
Sister in law is in hospital and needs a lift home. She stays a half hour drive away so that's an hour round trip.
She would have to sit in the back with the baby but it won't stop the screaming, on the way home would be a nightmare. I hate driving with constant screaming.
I don't want to do it. Would I be unreasonable to suggest she gets the bus home?
My partner is working away so not home to help. Her mum is on holiday. Nobody else can drive her home. Nightmare.

OP is reluctant to pick up SIL due to concern for her child, you would be choosing not to help out of spite. Huge difference. I wouldn’t want anyone capable of such spite anywhere near my child.

Actually no, they haven't done any babysitting for me. Or helped out with anything really.
My first priority is my baby and my anxiety is through the roof driving with her screaming. I don't feel comfortable doing it at all but looks like I will just have to pick her up.

Considering the OP hasn’t said what the Sil is in for, this also could not be optional.

Goodness me I am starting to understand why so many on here end up lonely in middle age

That's different. SIL isn't the OPs responsibility.

Okay, well if they don’t help you and you would never ask them for anything, then just refuse. Say as you did in the op, that she should just get the bus. It sounds like maybe you’re not close with them or maybe dislike them, so you’re not losing out on anything. Just obviously be aware that if you do ever need them in a difficult moment (for example you need to drive one child somewhere and you want someone to watch your baby since you can’t take the baby in a car) sil might well tell you ‘just get the bus.’

Why is everyone giving OP parenting tips? I'm sure, as she's repeatedly stated, that she has tried various things. Some babies just don't like cars until they're bigger.
She asked if she was BU to say NO to giving a lift.

OP. Yanbu, leaving the house at all for an hour to do whatever with a teeny baby is something you choose to do, not at a request.
DH working away is a valid excuse so why not, I'm not happy to drag the baby and make them unhappy.

Simple. You know your baby and your limits. If SIL is mardy about that then tough
Sorry but it's not your responsibility 😊

If you're asking peoples opinions on what they would they do - they've given it according to how they are, their experiences and tolerances.
You're the one living the situation. If you can't cope with the crying say no.
I don't know what your child is like. But me, I would put up with to help in this situation. It doesn't mean you're unkind, only you know your own situation and how you cope.

This is a really weird response.

What’s this opinion from? A sample of like 10 you know well?

If you have other children can you sit one next to the baby in the car to entertain them? Or are they old enough to babysit?
Is sil aware of baby's issues with the car? Or is she likely to think it's just an excuse?

You really don’t have to OP. I would just explain the situation, how dreadful your baby must feel and how high your anxiety is about it.

If she really expects you to still pick her up then honestly, I don’t think she’s worth much anyway. If she’s a normal person who loves her baby niece and cares about you, she will understand. Send her something lovely and a card and if you otherwise get on well, have her over for dinner when she’s feeling better or go and see her when your husband is around to have your baby.

Its not a weird response its pointing out that if Op doesn't help SIL, then their is no reason for family to help Op when the day comes.

To have good family and friends, you have to be good family and friends.

I had a screamer. I don’t think people who haven’t really can understand. It’s not a bit of fussing. It’s terror filled screams, often from the second you put the child in the car and they never relent. In my child’s case it was because she was on the autism spectrum, but we wouldn’t figure that out until 9 years later.

i wouldn’t expect her to take the bus. If she can’t afford to hire a car ride, I would find a way to help her pay for one. I would not subject my child to time in the car that wasn’t absolutely unavoidable.

@PortalooSunset she will scream anyway it doesn't matter if someone is next to her and my children can't babysit. They will be at school anyway. They walk.

I don't understand why everyone is piling on OP when she's very clearly thinking about what's best for her baby, as any mother would. SIL is a grown woman so surely she can sort out her transport, be it a taxi or a friend etc. Why should it all be down to her brother's wife, who has a young baby to look after. SIL has asked OP and OP can explain why it's really not convenient for her, then SIL needs to look into other options.

On another note, I had to take DD to hospital for IV antibiotics two days in a row after an infection. Both times we ended up waiting around for several hours until a nurse was free, overall we'd spend about 3 hours there each time until we could leave. If that happened to SIL wouldn't that be incredibly inconvenient for OP, having to be on standby but not knowing exactly when to get the baby ready for a car journey.

Also on another note, I have two SILs and neither one has ever done any babysitting for us. There are also paid childminders and family friends etc. You shouldn't have to go through great inconvenience for you and your child just in case you need a babysitter in the future.

But OP only doesn’t want to help because her child probably feels ill and the screaming is difficult to drive with and causes her anxiety. If she just couldn’t be bothered, that would be very different.

Think about you and your little one. I’m the kind of person who helps everyone but when I need help no one does apart from my parents who are brilliant

Why should the OP be bending over backwards? Surely you could say the same in reverse, the SIL should be asking other people for a lift rather than the OP trying to find a baby sitter!

well you cant do it then op.

But who's going to help the 0p when she's in need from this family? Given she's the ONLY person who can help the SIL? Doesn't seem there's a lot of help being offered out?

There's nothing that can be done about car sickness in an otherwise healthy baby, though. It's just one of those shitty things that can come with having a baby - like them not sleeping through the night, or cluster feeding, or needing a certain routine to get them to nap.

just tell your sil the reasons why you cant

I don't feel comfortable doing it at all but looks like I will just have to pick her up.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want, just say no.

My only concern is that if your DH works away a lot then I’d want the reassurance that if I ever needed a lift or a favour that SIL would do it.

Of course you shouldn’t do favours just to ask a favour back but people are more willing to help out if they know that person would do them a favour back.

i would lie on the day say your baby has a fever and really unwell. As shown on this post even those people who have had children don’t understand it when you have a baby that screams during all car journeys. It sounds like you SIL could get a taxi or public transport. Your DH could take annual leave is the other alternative.

Why can’t she get a taxi? I’ve been in hospital for IV antibiotics before and it didn’t even occur to me to phone round family expecting a lift.

Sympathies on the car-hating baby as well. One of mine was like that and it was bloody miserable, and I’m glad we didn’t have to be in cars that often because it reduced me to tears as well more than once. Would literally scream until puking, pass out from exhaustion, then wake up a few minutes later and start screaming all over again. (Grew out of it in the end though!)