To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

There is absolutely nothing about the OP's posts to suggest she is like this.

Oh darl, people keep dumping you cos you’re a snobby dick. Not because you have a ‘big house’ lolllllll

Op no one is dismissing your experience. No one disbelieves you. I’m sure you are being dumped. What people are telling you is it’s not because you have a big house. People like people where ever they live. Yes you get an occasional person who struggles with envy, but for it to be repeated so much, Tells us that’s not the issue here. The odds of so many people all being so utterly jealous of you that they can’t cope to be your friend is non existent.

In addition your phrasing is bad and tells us all we need to know. but you can’t see it and don’t understand it. You’re utterly oblivious to how you come across. You are clearly not particularly wealthy but wish to portray you are. Money is clearly very important to you.

no one says my friends think I’m wonderful. Talk about them having money and thus similar values. I mean take a step back, no one says that. It’s awful . Generally you’d say I do have friends and we get on great or something similar.

I understand it’s hard to hear it’s you . It’s much easier to think it’s because you’re rich, successful, beautiful, whatever reason you can grasp at to make you feel better about yourself, make the fact so many people don’t like you easier to bear. But for this to stop you need to look inward here

I can assure you that I am not invested in other peoples financial circumstances. My old friends all have different incomes and I treasure them especially the memories we share of growing up together.

I think it's just that some people gel and some don't. And it takes time for friendships to develop.
I hope you find compatible friends in your new location soon, OP.
I think it's probably unlikely to be anything to do with relative wealth, although I agree there is a lot of inverted snobbery in the UK. But I think it's unusual to conclude some people not liking you is to do with economic position. Not everyone likes everyone else, and that's OK

This.

It’s probably the nicest way anyone can put it… take this advice.

I live in an affluent area but Im in one of the smaller houses - wealth is really ‘in my face’ where I’m from (inner city northern town) my life is like ‘rich’ because I grew up in a tiny terraced house surrounded by poverty e.g my mum and dad had 5 jobs between them. And they’re in the main illiterate.

I have friends of all backgrounds (those spending £1k a room for a interior designer to an amazing friend who is a single mum with one young daughter in a minimum wage role) I prefer my time with my authentic, gentle, kind single mum friend.

I don't talk about finances. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to have a rough idea of what a teacher earns.

Between this thread and Matt Hancock in the jungle, there is going to be a severe popcorn shortage. 🍿

“mummy friends” would put me off for a start 🤣

Have you considered they just didn't like you anymore?

The replies 🤣

I agree, I think we're more drawn to people with a similar socio economic status and find it easier to relate to them. There will be exceptions and people will make friends from all walks of life but probably dont visit them much and just see each other in a common space such as work etc

Op, i understand where you are coming from. We live on an expensive new build estate at the edge of a village which has some problems (and a lot of people with limited money). I have overheard a few conversations about 'people who live on my estate', and have even been told so by a person after speaking for all of 90 seconds. There was total judgement by them, without them trying to get to know anyone. Someone even told me they call it the spam estate because "you can all buy your big houses but i bet you can now only afford to eat spam" - i didnt know what to say 😂

I don’t think it’s a waste of time to be friends with people who earn less. But it’s a waste of time for you to be friends with people who earn less as you do obviously judge people’s worth on the size of their house and income. It’s a snobby and unattractive personality trait.

Me too.

Maybe "think I'm wonderful" wasn't the best way to phrase it.

I had actually given up on making making new friends after being dumped. So it remains a pleasant shock that there are new friends who really like me and want to spend time with me.

Is this thread deliberately trolling? What a decidedly b*tchy thing to say OP….

Excellent post from Raininghard - agree with everything she's said.

I can identify with the losing 3 friends when you moved (from their side). I also had a friend who moved to a beautiful village... about 10 miles from me. We used to pop into town for a coffee and a catch up every other week. That stopped when she moved, I always just got invited to hers... no buses, no visits... the friendship died a death . She'd come to mine but then whine that no one came to her... she was the one who moved to a place that no one could get to unless they had a car, and was inconvenient for school runs etc.

Moving can kill friendships for many reasons.

I honestly don't think you do it because your a bad person, or out of spite, or anything negative, maybe you overcompensate for the fact that you feel you have money, or maybe you feel insecure around other rich people, but its clear that the way you come across rubs people up the wrong way. In all honesty, your better off mixing with people that are like you, money is clearly important to you, but its not important to everyone. I know people with lots of money, who live lifestyles that in no way reflect that, and I know people of the polar opposite, with no money and very lavish lifestyles, you just need to find people you can connect with regardless.

There is something truthful in op's post, obviously very old and trusted friends won't care where you live.

We had a modest cottage and a group of baby club friends, dh's career took off and we moved to a large country house. My friends were open about feeling intimidated about my new house, and yes the friendships cooled despite my efforts to reassure them. They didn't feel good enough anymore, and said they felt they had to 'dress up' now when they came. It was odd and hurtful. Definitely their insecurities, as we were just the same as before. Some of the group were great, and we remain close to this day, and the one or two that found it difficult dropped out altogether.

Psychological and social science research supports that living amid the wealthy even when you are upper-middle class is pretty bad for your mental health. In 2010, a study by researchers at the University of Warwick and Cardiff University found that money improves happiness only if it also improves people’s social rank. In other words, being highly paid isn’t enough: people want to see progress in their lives, to feel as if they are moving up, and to be able to exhibit that ascension to people in their community and to themselves.

www.theguardian.com/global/2017/may/11/outclassed-neighbors-income-happiness

I can assure you that I am not invested in other peoples financial circumstances

of course you are. Your actual op is literally saying you will not make friends with any one who earns less than you. You deem it a waste of time. To do this you need to judge their financial circumstances to be able to decide if you will be their friend. Not the person but their finances. Your whole op is about how people are jealous of your financial circumstances and you only have things in common with those with money

it’s quite stunning how utterly oblivious you are to it. But it’s the reason people don’t like you.

No but it doesn’t make teachers unintelligent or poorer than you just because they live in a smaller house!!! All of my friends are teachers because I’m a teacher and they are the funniest, kindest most intelligent people I know, qualities which don’t require a high socio economic standing!!

I think you losing friend is all about your attitude, that fact you even think this says everything about how YOU think you're better and above them for your own pecieved 'richness'.

Its all a bit head-up-arsey from you.