To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

It was hand made by someone at M&S Garage 😬

It's because your smug. Nobody wants a smug friend. Unbearable to be around.

Yanbu. It’s literally the first thing I ask someone when I meet them. I raise my hand as in “talk to the hand” and I ask to see their bank statements before continuing the conversation. It really is the only way.

Seriously ? I'm lost for words

Not sure you're wording it right. I do know what you mean though birds of a feather flock together. I have a ye olde farmhouse and steadings in the countryside but am divorced and poor so fail to fit in a pigeonhole. I've found nice friends over the years though in a mix of circumstances it's easier to have aquaintances on the same level as you but friends take time.

🤣
I have friends from all financial backgrounds. My own financial background has changed over the last ten years. It's never been a problem.

I do know that some friendships are for a season. By moving away from my previous location, some friends may have decided they couldn't be bothered getting on a train to ever visit so not worth continuing the friendship.

I have a couple of really good friends but struggle with maintaining new friendships. Found out recently I have inattentive adhd - so likely missing social ques. Might want to google inattentive adhd to see if that applies to you.
You do talk about friendships as if you expect because these original women needed friends the only reason they have not maintained contact is the size of your house. I suspect they didn’t bond with you in the way you felt bonded to them and I am sorry that must have been painful. I am guessing as you are in a small village your ‘pool’ of potential friends is smaller. If you lived in a more populated place it’s likely you would have moved on more quickly from the first friendship group.

I agree that it's shared interests that cements friendships not the size of your house or bank account; I am part of a group - one of us is is so independently wealthy that she doesn't ever need to work (she is single, not living off a DH), another does a cleaning job to make ends meet ...their houses couldn't be more different. The others of us are somewhere in between ... but we all feel passionate about what we do and that is what makes us friends. I've no doubt the rich friend also has other 'rich' friends that meet up for expensive trips etc but so what .. no one needs to just have 'besties' that you can only do things with.

i have precisely one friend who, to use your inference, is of the same ‘economic standing’ as I am and this is only a new development. Prior to that she was skint as fuck, as are a majority of my friends, with a couple who are ok but nervous about the climate.

i am not even rich, just fortunate that we bought young and we earn well.

you clearly shoved it in their face repeatedly.

Thank you. I didn't bother wearing a hard hat because I knew I could handle whatever was thrown at me. I read a lot of AIBU so kind of knew what to expect.

YABVU. I’m a council estate kid who went to private school via scholarships/bursaries, thank fuck the 12 year olds at my new school didn’t deem me unworthy of their friendship due to not having a pony.

As a result of living in a deprived area but attending an affluent school, my friends earnings (or they don’t earn - the SAHMs, the ones with disabled children, etc) vary wildly, as does their available time/mental energy for socialising.

You make adaptations to spend time with the people you like, whether its video calling your friend at silly o clock your time because she lives on another continent now, or only ever seeing your friend at her house because she can’t relax/socialise anywhere else due to her child’s disabilities and very rarely has a babysitter because her ExH decided he couldn’t cope with their child, left, and hasn’t seen their child since.

The very fact that you’re mentioning “levels” speaks volumes.

This ! As am I , why should it change anything

Why on earth would you want to be friends with a person of a lower class than you.
Envy is rife among the working class.

Dh and I have friends who earn less than us and those who who earn more.

One can be a little smug regarding his house, holidays, nights away, etc, but he's still a lovely person despite that and we know that about him. His partner is also incredibly lovely.

But overall finances don't really come into the friendships much. We all chose days out and activities that everyone can afford, and talk is rarely about money.

If people are nice and friendly then finances can become Tom=tally irrelevant, ime.

FWIW, I used to get intimidated going into friend's house especially if they were huge and were millionaires(from our private nursery so lots of mixed backgrounds). It takes a little gusto as you think you're not worthy

This is true too. Honestly, I am less likely to want to form new friendships with people very much more affluent than me, for a whole range of reasons.

I did have a friend with someone who formed a friendship with someone much poorer than her, and was pleased she had as it was ‘good for her daughter to see not everyone was as rich as they were’. I just cringed that she was using her friend as a social lesson and I imagine the friend would have felt upset and humiliated if she had known.

On the offchance that this isn't a splendid (sorry, wonderful) Sunday morning wind-up, it sounds rather as if you can't handle the idea that you have been rejected by people you consider your socio-economic inferiors.

I'd love to know what these 'similar values' are that you share with your big-housed, professional-jobbed 'mummy friends' and not with your ex-friends.

I actually think there can be an element truth in what op is saying. Societal inequalities are becoming increasingly pronounced and many are feeling disenfranchised and resentful. There are many, many people who worked hard, went to university, and did all the right things, only to struggle to buy a house or even feed their families. Meanwhile, others, through sheer good fortune in many cases, have ended up with so much more.

Something I've noticed is that many people don't seem to mind others having more than them if the wealthy person is very likeable and humble, or alternately, if they perceive that their wealth/good fortune is deserved.

But if the wealthier person is in any way smug, especially if they are someone similar to themselves who has just been lucky, some people seem to feel an intense sense of injustice about it and really resent the person. It's unfair sometimes, but I think it's understandable. It also explains some of the responses to this thread.

That must have been hard. I'm frugal and not keen on expensive activities.

You lost me at "they think I'm wonderful"

No one 'dumps' a friendship because of what the own.

It's about like mindedness, things in common and attitude. People don't tend to keep friendships with those they don't like, aren't close to or have little in common with

I can't work out if you're an idiot troll or just a straightforward idiot.
😄

There is an element in what you say to be true.

I have known ‘friends’ to cut me off as I’m not posh like them!

I was recently dumped by a friend who earns the same as me. I learnt from a mutual that it's because she has an illness in the family ( dd anorexic) and is struggling to cope. But she prefers not to share that to protect her dd's privacy.

It's not always what you think. Since the pandemic a number of people are struggling to get back to equilibrium and just about surviving.