To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

I really don't think it's your big house or professional role that's scaring friends away Tbh 🤷

I'm a sahm who earns fuck all. Am I not allowed my friends who work part-time then...

Your post mentions the size of your house over and over again

Is this all you talk about IRL?

Previous friends probably got fed up of you harping on about it

So you only earn 55k? Yeah I probably wouldn’t bother being friends with you because you probably couldn’t afford to do the sort of stuff I do.

Why won't you address your previous thread where you discuss your income and it's not the huge amount you're portraying

That was a joke btw!

'have similar values' is an interesting component of the thread, OP. Moral values don't have to be linked to money and class. For instance, covering up your shoulders and knees to honour religious sentiments might be something which very rich and less well off women might do.

I think particularly now, though, that there might be a divide between those thinking and sharing thoughts on how to save fuel, and those saying that they will suck it up and manage. Grafted on to that might be differing views saying, either that the government should do more to manage and off set the crisis and those saying that there is nothing that the government can do and the whole world is affected.

Out of the above can grow beliefs about sharing money around. These can create a sense of having different values.

I'm a big believer in the fact that if you've known hardship as well as comfort you can understand two perspectives. I think a lot of people value the notion of independence and making your way in life, but any kind of hardship or desperation can make you realise that there is a limit to what you can do by your own means to safeguard your future and the family's, and that systemic change will be needed.

Perhaps your different economic position has led you and your former friends to have different political views, too. Even though it's bad manners to talk about money or politics, maybe news items about power cuts, etc, put affordability back on the menu.

I also hear where you’re coming from. I agree with previous poster who said it is disingenuous to pretend that things like income levels and housing never have an affect on new friendships. But I do think it's a lot more nuanced. There was a very small hobby group formed with the 6 of us and the group has splintered into two . I am disappointed that certain members don't make an effort any more but totally respect that and I've not raised any issues but it was clear from the start our lifestyles were all very, very different (C level jobs vs being a part time child minder for example). Now I don't care one jot about people's jobs or backgrounds myself but I sometimes don't get return on invites either and I truly think there is a big house effect.

FWIW, I used to get intimidated going into friend's house especially if they were huge and were millionaires(from our private nursery so lots of mixed backgrounds). It takes a little gusto as you think you're not worthy. Mumsnet are often full of confident posters but not everyone is.

Well, you sound like a charmer.

To be fair to the OP, that post is six years old!

Do you think you go out of your way to not be showy, but end up being annoyingly patronising instead.

I’ve met the type. Well meaning but pretty insufferable.

Leaving aside OPs circumstance, yes it can. Because people tend to want someone who can afford to do the things they want to do. That’s my experience. So yes, I am aware that if I suddenly became really poor my social circles would dwindle. I would lose the friendships which exist at classes I go to, as I could no longer go, and my other friends I would expect to drop off as they got bored of all their contact being house calls or local walks and as I had to keep on turning down their invites to do other stuff.

I actually lived briefly with someone this happened to. She was unemployed for years after losing her job and all her friends had slowly drifted away. I knew someone else who was also unemployed for years and years, and only maintained her friendships by accumulating many tens of thousands of debt which paid for being able to keep on socializing with them.

I can see this happening tbh and I think people are disingenuous if they say they don't. The reality is, it takes a lot to upkeep friendships in adult life, with a family. It's hard enough spending significant time with your loved ones, let alone new friends. People also really want to be able to relate to their friends and I think maybe the people's you've met have assumed they won't have that with you so they've not bothered to out more effort in. For some, it may have genuinely just been time. It is so hard to keep up adult friendships and maybe that's a big difference between you and them, not the house but how much work you're willing to put it. The house may be a reflection of your situation, you may be able to have some help that saves you time and that attracts a lifestyle those women won't be able to relate to.

It may be a mix of that and a mix of you showing how badly you want a friend. Its like with kids, it's always quite obvious when one is trying to make a friend and not succeeding.
We're social creatures and it hurts to be lonely. I mean that even for an introvert, it's nice to have people sometimes. I feel bad for you, you sound like a lovely person. Village life can be hard and can take long to get used to. Try not to worry too much about it, you'll meet people who you'll reciprocate your friendliness.

I knew my post wouldn't go down well but people completely dismissing my experience trying to make new friends is strange. Thank you for acknowledging that it may play a factor.

In my experience, friendships are usually based on shared common interests and nothing to do with house size or income. Unless that IS your interest, which sounds like it could be with you OP.

Why not try to find out more about what makes women tick rather than comparing their lifestyle with yours? Even if you think you are not being overt about it, it will show, I promise you.

Maybe they are just busy or have too much going on in their own lives to put efforts and time into new friendships. It could be nothing to do with you. I’m like this, I work very hard with my own business, I’m a single parent. Just keeping up with all this, the non-optional parts of life and keeping the show on the road, take up all my energy. I’d love to have time and energy to invest in friendships but I just don’t.

I can't work out if you're an idiot troll or just a straightforward idiot.

You mentioned how big your house was about 4 time in your OP. People won’t like you because you’re unlikable! I imagine your current ‘friends’ either lack the same self awareness or are waiting to dump you like the others.

work on yourself!

This is another possibility. People are time crunched and only want to socialise with people they really like and are good friends with. Makes sense.

Oh and I forgot to mention, I have a huge house… and I definitely wouldn’t be friends with you!

I never look for friendships with super rich people, they move in different circles to me, circles I'm not interested in joining. A number of my friends however, do their upmost to get in with these types.

One memorable occasion, my friends sons 21st, a couple whose father was on the Sunday Times Rich List, caused so much trouble, it's still talked about almost 20 years later.

They see friends with benefits, ie free holidays and flying in helicopters.

I know without looking you’re probably being hammered in the comments. Good luck 🥲

whilst you may play a part in it all (all relationships are two sided) I kind of know what you mean. I think it depends on you / the other person and not just the finances.

I would say that financially, my DH and I have moved further up the ladder as it were and have done reasonably well so each new life stage (new house / car etc) gets bumped up in the size / cost. Most of our friends don’t bat an eye and it’s never even a slight consideration (many have also moved up the financial ladder since our early 20s too but some who haven’t)

Most friends don’t care but one couple who we were really close with, does care and it’s started to filter in and poison the relationship sadly. Some things can’t be avoided in discussions (even if not even spoken about) such as a new larger house / new job (and the idea that this likely comes with higher salary) / new more expensive car and I’ve seen it irritate this certain couple which is such a shame. I never make reference to any of these things but they will make digs and comments which is just not my style and I don’t like it in any friendship. We are nothing but kind, supportive and loving friends but I can see our friendship dwindling away as they continue to make it harder to enjoy their company (NOTHING to do with money and everything to do with how they see us?) Why tolerate it just because they are upset we are in a different financial situation? They have made reference to being annoyed their finances differ to ours before (we don’t ever try and do expensive meals / drinks / holidays etc btw). I wouldn’t tolerate them being unkind for any other reason either so why this 🤷‍♀️

Oof. Several economic rungs down the ladder from £55K must mean the village is practically full of paupers.

No wonder she wants to steer clear, it sounds like a plague pit.

You're probably like my BIL who no longer gets invited to our house as I'm sick of hearing how strange it is for them to come to an area with terraced housing when they usually only go to areas with detached properties. Then tries to overcompensate by constantly remarking about how much better our smaller house is as it's much easier to keep clean and doesn't have all that 'wasted space' his house does 🙄