To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

I am the ‘poor friend’ in my circle. Most of the time it matters not at all, but occasionally the differences will show. For example if they are arranging something during the week (because they all work part time or are SAHM) and I can never join because I work full time. Or when discussions come up about schools and for them it’s all grammar and private. Can feel me feeling left out of the conversation and I just sit there quietly like muppet until the topic has moved on.

Thank you and noted. You have raised valid points.

OP have you tried meetups? I

Sorry. Meant to say I am enjoying them more these days than intense friendships

OPis being very selective as to which posts get a thanks and which don’t. 🤔

I am the lowest earner of all my friends. I also have the smallest house and a Fiesta when they all drive Audi's and BMW's.

I completely understand that, there aren’t many in existence who haven’t experienced friendship issues at some point.

it comes down to whether you can accept constructive criticism (put aside the outright hostility) or whether you’re just looking to be soothed. I don’t generally get the impression that the more agreeable comments are completely putting the issue to rest for you so maybe there is some value in examining your own prejudices and what you’re projecting so you can avoid it in the future.

limiting your social circle doesn’t resolve your personal insecurities around your experiences and runs the risk of creating more problems when this bleeds out into real life. People have a lot of senses and know when they’re being prejudged, even in the smallest interactions.

Has your DH had the same experience?

I have acknowledged in previous posts that previous friends would have ended the friendship for various reasons. I don't for one second think it is all down to jealously. People have busy lives and a lot going on. Just tired of sometimes investing in friendships and it all comes to nothing.

I do think that those with money and have had money for many years do tend to forget that not everyone is as fortunate as they are.
Especially those with any inherited wealth

Lol. You’ve been very silly to post this. Of course friendships can flourish regardless of difference, whether it’s financial, cultural, whatever.

The comment in the OP about “the same values” stands out to me. What are these values you and your wealthy mummy friends share? Horror at shopping in Aldi? Knowing your Tignes from your Teignmouth? If you’re looking down your nose at people who earn less than you then that’s why people don’t want to be your friend.

I say this with confidence as DH and I have a bigger house and more money than some (not all) of our friends. We use it to welcome, feed and host people - friends old and new, family, work people - from all walks of life and we have a lot of fun. If you’re snotty about it, that’s where the friendship issues come in.

As ambassador for the working class lowly poor folk I can say it's definitely not you, it's us.
We are intimidated by large houses and fancy decor.
We actually come out in hives if we sit on a sofa made by anyone posher than DFS, it's built in as a class alert system.
So you should definitely stay away from us, we're no good for you.

I do agree that this is the most likely explanation. Despite some of the mean posts suggesting that I think everyone is jealous of me, I really do not think that for even a second.

Hi OP,

I actually think you are probably right - I live in a village and looking at friendship groups, you can definitely see the correlation between house sizes / professional status / money. Without a doubt.

I do think though that this is also linked to how people like to spend their time etc - having money, or no money, definitely impacts who you are as a person, your life chances, your life experiences, and your social life. It makes sense that this will then shape friendships. There will be exceptions to this of course. Childhood friendship might continue if you are close enough. But new friendships I think are very much different.

Loving this response

A woman I used to work with in a call centre is good friends with Tim Rice. It really doesn't matter.

I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful.

🙄

Yes I get that. I totally hear what you’re saying, and perception and reality are often two different things, the point I think I am making is the op is trying to give a perception that is not her reality.

She’s trying to give it she’s so very wealthy , that teachers are low income, but I just don’t think she is. She just wants people to think that. And that I think is the issue. She wishes people to perceive her as wealthy. And it won’t just be on line. She deems her home to be the outward evidence of her wealth and at rhe epicentre of her world. It’s the evidence she uses to give the perception of wealth.

Its very unlikely she lives in such a house that all the villagers know of it and who lives there. We have a few very expensive houses in our tiny village, many of them extreme, the 15 million plus kind of house. I know who two of these families are and what they do, but no one is walking about covered in envy and talking about who lives there.

I only know as one of them is two houses up from me, the other four houses up. We are on what’s app groups. But As all our houses sit in several acres , and although ultimately they are my neighbours, there really is some distance between the properties. They are a neighbour but not in the normal sense. If that makes sense. I don’t see them when putting the bins out or defrosting the car in the morning. I wave and nod if I see them, we have a few events a year where we socialise in each others homes, we stop and chat if we see each other in the post office or something. If I chose to be friends further it would work, I don’t as i work a lot of hours and have a friendship circle.

but there are also smaller cheaper period houses in the village, the sort of lovely old miners cottages period properties, they sell for about 500k. Irrelevant of where people live they still come together where they have things in common. Be it the artwork display in the village hall or building a bonfire for last night, or collecting for children in need with the church. Their wealth or lack of is not something that’s the norm to prove and divide. Some people will look down, others will look up in envy, but when it’s repeated then something else is afoot.

Do you measure values with money? Because that’s what you said. My richer friend once complained that she’s scared of reducing her style of life to living in a small place and it would literally destroy her. She described my life and she said it would destroy her. I however am happy with what I have and my children are not suffering every day just because I don’t have more bedrooms than fingers on one hand. Think deep about the way you talk and what you say. And maybe keep to your friends with professional jobs and big houses.

Hmmm...

I haven't RTFT yet but I would say when my DCs were at junior school there was a large group of mums there who all lived in the same expensive area. They all seemed impossibly confident and very competitive and I found them quite intimidating.

Thinking back now though, they generally weren't very nice people - very self-satisfied and actually quite bitchy.

Which I think is maybe how you are coming across OP.

This is what I am finding - new friendships are a different ball game. Most of my childhood friendships have continued without problems.

OP, You say ‘and they think I am wonderful’

😂

I have had some very wealthy friends. They were lovely people but it did cause some issues. They would always want to do things to the standard they were used to, which I couldnt afford. So they would either have to pay for me or we wouldnt go. Tried once to take a friend to a pub in my price range and she wanted to leave after one drink and go have £10 cocktails instead. It may have been frustrating for them that i couldn't afford their type of activities, I don't know. I got the impression they were happy to sweep me along with their posh stuff, in a generous way rather than a show-off way.

The other issue was mine - it did make me a bit bitter when I was at the time really struggling financially. Both friends didn't seem to see that they were wealthy due to their rich partners, or that all the advantages they had stemmed from this and not from their own particular merit. They would try and advise me about finances and how to get opportunities - well meaning but very frustrating. One had never worked a normal full time job in her life and had no idea what it was like to not have the time or money to pursue whatever took your fancy.

So I can see it from both sides. More likely that these people just werent your people. Not all friendships work out and it isnt always clear why, same as romantic relationships.

I like this a lot 😆

I say this with confidence as DH and I have a bigger house and more money than some (not all) of our friends. We use it to welcome, feed and host people - friends old and new, family, work people - from all walks of life and we have a lot of fun. If you’re snotty about it, that’s where the friendship issues come in.

And this is the sort of friendships I'd treasure. This is what I do with my friends (usually at their houses as even those with similar income have a bigger home better suited to hosting as I live in an expensive area so can only afford a small dated flat) If I met someone and they were continually just suggesting coffees and walks in the park I'd feel like they were keeping me at arms length and not pursue the relationship. These things are for first meets/dates, casual acquaintances and covid lockdowns. You have a lovely big home, perhaps open it and invite people in to enjoy it with you. It all seems rather formal to meet at heritage sites and coffee shops