To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

I don’t know. The more I think about it the more examples I can think of, of people I know being tone deaf to their friends not being as well off as them. Again, I’ve no idea of op does this or not but I know so many people who just talk like they’re wealthy, because they are, with no apparent understanding that the people they are talking to cannot afford the same things or have the same choices. Not saying it’s necessarily their fault or that they do it intentionally but people who are very well off IME often alienate others as they just don’t get that not everyone has those saMe choices.

I have a friend who believes this is the reason her “mum” friendships don’t work out. I actually think it’s because she’s far too anxious about them and becomes overbearing for the other people. I don’t think they give a hoot about how nice her house is or anything else - they get suffocated by her desperate need to be their friend and drift off to more relaxed friendships, where they can be flaky and not feel guilty about it

I agree the very wealthy can be rather tone deaf. But the op is clearly not in this bracket.

These things are relative.

I was a teacher until I retired. I know the pay isn't fantastic but I didn't think I would be regarded as low income but then I don't have any millionaire friends they're mostly teachers and NHS. I thought you were talking about people on benefit.

Absolutely op. Don't be friends with anyone who has ferrel thick children or partners who were joggers.
They are jealous of you it has nothing whatsoever to do with snobbery.

She regards teachers as low income.

Yes, of course, if you are in poverty the op maybe considered wealthy. Of course. But in the general scheme of things, I would put good money that she’s not wealthy by most peoples standards. Above average, sure, but that’s it. The house seems to be her big thing. And really important to her. As it makes her look wealthy in her eyes.

The two that dumped you perhaps they thought they'd give the friendship a go but realised you don't have much in common (could be totally un related to wealth) it takes a while to get to know someone. Perhaps they found coffees and English heritage sites dull

This is very true actually. They may prefer to do more exciting activities - or just spend the afternoon in the pub/their living room relaxing over a bottle of wine .

if you’re right as to the reasons then In a weird way I agree with you. We were poor poor a few years ago but in the meantime my husband went up a little in pay, I got a job and my books started to make a little bit of money. We also finished up two loans and a credit card. We bought A house with a mortgage for less than a hundred and fifty euro. It was very rural and run down (no heating, kitchen brought with them, garden was the worst building site) but big and we did it up with the remaining money. We spent lockdown landscaping it ourselves and working on it and it looks quite posh now plus we got a free snooker table (there’s a website where big items are free to good homes), and my sons spent savings on foosball and air hockey tables. When kids come over and their parents see the house there’s a definite cooling whereupon I tie myself in knots trying to let them know that we’re not rich are just lucky and forevermore things are just less easy and there’s generally comments on ‘we wouldn’t be able to afford x’ or ‘since we don’t live in a big house’ when talking about meet ups or parties. It was definitely easier when we were poor in that respect although life in general was so so hard. Saying that I think a good friendship trumps all so just see how things go and keep an open mind maybe? There may be other things at play

But again when she was being dumped by friends a few years ago when she moved she was on 55 grand a year and , having to borrow for essential house repairs. Her husband didn’t earn enough that he could pay the bills and cover her course expenses. So the teachers are low income comment is just more bigging herself up.

I think that deciding it’s economic is a bit arbitrary, from what you say — sometimes you just don’t meet your tribe in a particular place (which can be deeply miserable and isolating if you want/need more friends). I’ve moved around a lot and never struggled with making or retaining friendships, but I spent eight years in a village where I didn’t make a single friend despite doing all the right things — volunteering, PTA, using local businesses, getting involved in village stuff, attending and later running the baby/toddler group, inviting people round. Looking back, it was just an insular place where people had their childhood friends (nearly all the parents of DS’s classmates had gone to the same village primary) and simply weren’t used to meeting new people and making friends with them. Plus I was too ‘different’ — foreign, had moved around a lot, was considered likely not to stay in the village all my life, therefore not worth ‘investing’ in.

I moved countries to live in a city and immediately started to make friends with wonderful, open-hearted, interesting people, even though Covid happened almost straight away. Yet I was exactly the same person. Same economic circumstances.

My husband has a small core of friends he went to school with. He has never been interested in making new friends. No doubt, saved himself a lot of aggravation.

I have friends that range from aristos and millionaires to people those in council houses. All equally loved by me, and they all equally love me back. I never notice the difference in money, because we do things that don’t cost money when we catch up, little dinner at each other’s houses, free gallery visit etc. I never notice the difference to be honest. Yes they have nicer things and houses than me, but life’s problems are just the same for those that a rich to those that are not.

Gently asked, but are you very ‘aspirational’, could they feel they don’t live up to your ideals? I ask because I dropped some friends recently, the kind that have beige baby nursery’s, only wear black etc, because I was sick of the comments that were scathing of my paper bag princess thrift store budget for home and clothes etc. They are I would say middle class, but far snobbier than my aristo mates.

What a load of bollocks. My friendship group includes someone who lives in a van to a billionaire. We all get along fine and have sustained these friendships for decades.

I think it may be you that's the issue

I hate when people refer to themselves as having a 'professional job' what does that even mean? .. I mean I know what it means but Eugh so pompous

It depends on the person and their values. I don’t make friendship decisions on how much someone’s income is, consequently have friends on benefits and multimillions. They are true friendships which last over time and changing circumstances.
If a person is very materialistic it quickly boring (for example if you kept going on about your house, I’m not saying you did, but as an example). Also if they only want to do things that are expensive/excluding and are hyper self centred. If you were like that I would distance myself from you too and you might find it works to stay in your own bubble.

I proposed the idea in reaction to being dumped several times. As a form of emotional preservation.

It may never have happened to you but it is hurtful when people stop responding to your messages or no longer want to meet up after after you have invested time and effort in a friendship.

But again, the point is that these things are relative.

You don't consider her wealthy, but some people would. And if wealth is going to play a part in the friendship, that perception is what matters. Not where OP falls on the nationwide scale of wealth.

(Which is probably higher than you think. Poverty is more common and more severe than many people realise.)

A PP observed that it's fine to be the richer friend who is happier to visit the poorer friend, but less pleasant to be the poorer friend

I agree with this

I have a friend who earns less than me. I'm happy to go for walks, eat dinner at home

I have another friend who earns a lot more than me. She prefers to go out for dinner. And she likes to go to expensive places. And she's extremely generous. So, she tends to offer to pay. It's kind of her, and gives me opportunities to eat in nice restaurants I wouldn't normally go to. I really appreciate that, but I do feel a little sad knowing that my lifestyle is no longer how she chooses to live, and it feels like our lives are on different trajectories now

Most of my friends have more money than me. I've also had friends who claimed to have less money (I think in reality were just penny pinchers) who wouldn't go anywhere but Weatherspoons and that was a bit boring.
I have a couple of friends who'll embarrass the group by bringing their own food to cafes that sell food as well. It's more that they're stingy than poor though.
My friends know not to invite me to extremely expensive restaurants though - we go to places we can all afford.
It's also important to be sensitive about things like bill splitting.

When I was in a bad place mentally and financially I found it hard to be around friends who were well off. Sitting in their huge, professionally cleaned lounges surrounded by holiday photos hurt. Hearing about their supportive parents who let them stay home while they went to Uni and now watch their children for free while they work hurt too.

Now I'm in a better place these things don't bother me in the same way. I'm still a little sad when I hear about supportive parents, but it's less about the advantages they got from that and more about my own sadness that I don't have that same infallible safety net they do. The holidays and fancy homes don't bother me at all, it gives me a lot of inspiration for styling my own home and I love seeing their children thrive.

Basically I think it's less about financial differences and more about advantages. It does hurt seeing how easier life is for some and if you're not in a place to handle that the friendship couldn't thrive anyway.

"And she's extremely generous. So, she tends to offer to pay. It's kind of her, and gives me opportunities to eat in nice restaurants I wouldn't normally go to. I really appreciate that, but I do feel a little sad knowing that my lifestyle is no longer how she chooses to live"

Some people would feel there is a power imbalance there.
Personally, if someone wants to pay for me and they're rich, that's fine by me.

A PP observed that it's fine to be the richer friend who is happier to visit the poorer friend, but less pleasant to be the poorer friend.

Very true indeed!

It may never have happened to you but it is hurtful when people stop responding to your messages or no longer want to meet up after after you have invested time and effort in a friendship.

Then think about why it’s happening and what changes you can make.

You’ve said multiple times that you never suggested expensive things - so it’s obviously not about finances.