To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

As far as I see it, I don’t care what your job is or how much you earn from it. As ling as you have one, are retired or actively seeking work following redundancy, I respect you.

I am in a senior role but my friends include cleaners, shop assistants, secretaries as well as other management figures, and we get on fine.

Nobody's going to admit to this kind of thing but it does happen. If you've never experienced anything like it, brilliant. But it happens.

But OP, I wouldn't deliberately exclude anyone from your life based on their wealth, whether greater or lesser. Then you do become the thing you hate.

It happens but you don't need to be part of it.

Just sounds like you were unfortunate enough to have made friends who struggle with feelings of jealousy.

Or you've got it all wrong and you got dumped for an entirely different reason you dont know about.
When DHs friend's sister went through a private baby loss she couldnt cope with being with her friends with young kids, she tried but it was just too much for her to bear and cut them out of her life completely with no explanation. Just saying, there are soooooo many other reasons for the dumping you might not be unaware of.

You’re desperately grabbing at any post that remotely agrees with you in an attempt to prove it’s not you it’s your wealth and their envy

I agree.

OP is actually sounding very narcissistic and it’s no wonder she struggles to make friends when she can’t accept that it may be her behaviour and it’s got to be that they are jealous instead.

I am a single mum on benefits who lives in a rich area. I've found many with large houses look down on me, the middle seem to be the same and resent people on benefits as we 'get everything for free' and those in a similar financial situation think I'm a bit snobby (I sound really quite posh apparently) but are far more friendly. The people I've found to be most welcoming and nice are the immigrant families. I guess because we all feel a little like outsiders and they're not all hung up in the ridiculous class system in the UK!

My closest friend who I met on my son's first day at school here is the friend who has lasted the course. She's married to a millionaire and tells me I'm her only British friend. All the others will say, "We must meet for coffee" but never do agree to.

This! Sorry OP, I don't think it has anything to do with how much they earn.

Actually I now remember that I was rather intimidated by a woman who shares a wall with a very famous pop singer ( mews house. Think Rihanna league) and has a vineyard in France. She wouldn't stop talking about it though. I don't know one wine from another and live in a small flat, so kept my distance.

I don't entirely disagree with you, I am in a small group of friends who are all wealthy, we all share a hobby and came together during Covid to do it.
Most don't need to work, have 2nd homes etc but because we are generally outdoors or going away for weekends together it doesn't seem to matter and I enjoy their company.
However I was in a book club once with a similar demographic and left because I was unable to join in a lot of the conversations about private schools, skiing trips etc. They were nice people just lived a very different life to me.

I think the friends who dumped you didn't value the friendship as much as you did. It is of course possible to make new friends from outside your economic sphere but I'd say probably only with people you really click with, ie the friendship is more important than some uncomfortable feelings.

It is a thing. But it’s quite a simple thing if you think about it. You have to add value to someone’s life. If you speak regularly maintaining that friendship then it’s not an issue. If the only time they see you or speak to you they feel rubbish then obviously it’s not going to work for them.

I agree completely.

@Lentilweaver Your post made me laugh, not at you but just because the reasons we elevate other people and ourselves can just be so daft. It’s really not worth it.

I find it baffling that some people are keen to be friends and some decide they want little to do with me.

This isn't baffling at all OP, it's completely normal. Some people are compatible and others aren't.

I seriously doubt your other friends didn't want to be friends because you have a bigger house than them. It's honestly bizarre that you would even jump to that conclusion. Far more likely that it's a personality thing, as they just got to know you better they realised that you weren't well suited as friends, this is completely normal with new friends.

I am glad some people do understand what I am trying to say. I didn't post to be goady. One can only take so much emotional hits before locking the friendship gates.

Yes but read it properly, she said she was dumped by multiple friends when she first moved to this house, and it was a few years ago, so at that point she was middling income and in debt , they couldn’t even afford their essential house repairs and had to borrow ten grand, she had to use savings to do her course. Wealthy people don’t need to borrow ten grand to do essential house repairs. She also has went on maternity since then,

these are not Wealthy people; by a long way, but the op really wants people to think that she is.

She’s trying to portray she lives in a house that all the villagers know about it, know who lives there, that they are wealthy and can only socialise with other wealthy people as people can’t take the envy . It’s clearly not the case. Not by a long way.

She likely only suggests frugal stuff as that’s all she can afford. But she doesn’t want anyone to know. she holds her “big house” up as some form of evidence she is Wealthy, Even wanting strangers on line to think she’s wealthy, even though she’s anonymous.

and this must come across in her interactions in real life. So for me there is a mental health issue here, possibly something in her childhood has led her to her current difficulties.

No. You must change your friendship groups at once. It's pointless pretending you can be friends with human beings who are not on your level. Should you fall on hard times, they'll still be there, grateful for your renewed attention.

Oh - fair enough @Raininghard . I didn't read that full thread at all- just clicked on and noted the date .

😂😂😂 yes this

My post could have been better phrased. I also make a conscious effort to be mindful of my comments and actions.

One of my friends is much MUCH richer than me, just bought a 4 bed 1.2 million pound town house in London compared to me just buying a 475k 2 bed house in Sussex. She comes from old money, her parents live in a mansion, my mum grew up in a council flat etc etc etc none of this has ever been an issue in our friendship and probably never will be!

It’s not them it’s you

As a general point of view though - friends obviously do need to have something in common and a similar lifestyle I would think makes this easier .

Aside from a couple of friends I met in college in my teens and through my husband, most of my friends tend to be people I've worked with in the past so I suppose we have income levels in common due to that. In fact the majority of my friends are, like myself, very average in terms of income, our houses etc.

Friendships I've had which were shorter lasting were those who were specifically 'mum friends' as it was our DC we had in common and as our children moved to different schools and then on to different futures we just lost contact .

I’m fascinated by this though, I do wonder when I read things like this is the spouse Is aware, aware rhe op is on line telling millions of people how wealthy she is, how wonderful her friends think she is, how she can only socialise with others who are monied, how her previous friends were envious of her, were several rungs below her on the financial ladder, how she should not waste her time on anyone who earns less, using her words, as they will be too jealous of her to be friends, how she only shares values with those with money, how fabulous a friend she is, how well she reads social cues, how full of empathy she is, only suggesting frugal cheap things to do with these poor people, how her house is so big everyone in the village knows it and who lives there.

I always wonder if the spouse knows and how they’d react if they found out. I’d be mortified. Beyond mortified if it was my spouse writing this stuff.

I'm sorry that you had experience because it is painful especially when it is a friendship you value. A lot of us have the fantasy of life long friendships and when that doesn't play out, it is sad.

They think i am wonderful. 😂😂😂. The even funnier thing is is that I get the feeling that this isn't even a joke. You're crawling so far up your own arse one day you'll pop out your own mouth.

THIS