To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

That is sad. It is painful to lose friends. Glad you have some friends who saw you and your DH were still the same person and stuck by you.

How you came to that conclusion is mind boggling. You sound like a very superficial type which may have something to do with being dropped, people can sense when you feel like you’re better than them because of your house/job/income.

I knew my post wouldn't go down well but people completely dismissing my experience trying to make new friends is strange. Thank you for acknowledging that it may play a factor.

Making new friends is indeed hard but many of the pitfalls of friendships with a large income disparity aren't relevant in your case as you say you're frugal anyway. You think of these people as below you, you said it in the OP and although you may not say it out loud it will almost certainly come across. Plus moving and changing life stages can bring many friendships to a natural end anyway. The two that dumped you perhaps they thought they'd give the friendship a go but realised you don't have much in common (could be totally un related to wealth) it takes a while to get to know someone. Perhaps they found coffees and English heritage sites dull

One thing I’ve noticed , when I’m with my friends/family on lower incomes , I tend to hold myself back quite a bit. I don’t talk about holidays or new purchases. I don’t suggest doing anything expensive. Unless I’m close with someone , I won’t invite them over.

Part of this comes from a family member (who suffers from low self esteem ) made a comment once about how unrelatable I was . At the time I made the mistake of talking about our home renovations/extension we were getting done . She rents and is on a low income so I can see where she is coming from. I wasn’t trying to show off but the work took a year and it was a huge part of my life .

I find that I can openly talk about these sorts of things with my family and friends on similar incomes and as a result I feel like I can be more of myself .

It's an old period house.

Marvellous. I'm nicking that 😂

I think OP is getting a hard time, because IME some people ARE weird about it if your house is bigger than theirs. My dad gave us a massive sum to buy our house, which is also massive. Long-standing friends came over to visit and there was definitely oddness from some of them. I just kept saying "my dad has been generous, we're very lucky" and laughing at the 'unique' decor left to us by the previous owner. Friends did eventually revert to normal, but it was a noticeable difference for a bit. I imagine new friends with those insecurities could quite easily just have ditched me instead.

YANBU OP. Most of my friends have more than me, but I've not been bothered by it. They made different choices to me, and we all are in public sector or arts so noone is hugely money-driven. I spent most of my life in cities too.

However, since moving to this town 5 years ago I have noticed much more envy and competition between people (with exceptions, thankfully). It's partly money, but also any kind of status, influence, prominence or accomplishment, ranging from hobbies to volunteering to education.
I think living in a smaller conurbation means that people are acutely aware of what others are up to and they are all operating in a few limited arenas, whereas back in the city it was like everyone was following such disparate paths it was like comparing apples and oranges.

You have my sympathies, OP.

I hope this one gets picked up by the newspapers. The comments section will be hilarious.

Has your DH had the same experience?

I read social cues well.

But not glaringly obvious voting stats it seems.

Finding yourself at a point where you are consciously discounting swathes of people as suitable for friendship based on superficial reasons betrays unlikeable traits tbh.

Friendships can’t be forced but analysing in this way and reaching conclusions that make you comfortable with making declarations like ‘I can’t be friends with people economically mismatched’ means you are more comfortable with prejudice than you are with facing your own faults.

it’s easier but its distasteful and it certainly doesn’t match the persona you claim to have.

I have friends who are millionaires. Some only on paper due to property prices and locations, some seriously minted.
I also have friends who are on benefits. I'm in my 60s and working until l get my state pension.
I'm not friends with my friends for what they have/don't have. I'm friends with them because of the people they are.

It is sad because I am happy having friends from different social/income levels. I only suggest cheap outings like coffee at a cafe or walks around a park.

It is hurtful being dumped and I posed the question out of a sense of emotional self -preservation.

The thread you've linked was from 2016.

No idea of the truth of any of it - but a lot can happen/change in 6 years .

I don't think it's about cash, but I do think it can be about values. The two people who I didn't keep in touch with from my NCT class were also the 2 wealthiest, and I just didn't feel like I had much in common with them. They were quite material and would spend ages talking about something like a new car, and in turn couldn't really identify with my interests. We just felt very different. Equally, I find it hard to befriend people who left school at 16 and then had a kid, as their life experiences are so different to mine. It's not that I don't want to, I just find it hard to find common ground.

This is a valid point. Thank you.

@MichaelGovesLeftNostril I don't think you're getting a reply from OP/OP's butler but I commend your super sleuthing.

Think delusions of grandeur is the issue here, OP. Hate to burst your bubble but you're not actually that rich...

Agree, and it’s getting worse, the things being written, birds of a feather , I read social cues very well, it’s not good.

even I’m reading this and thinking I could never spend time with someone so self absorbed , materialistic and superficial. The op is determinedly ignoring what the vast majority of posters are saying, 92 percent on the survey, and only focusing on the small minority who are agreeing with her.

so she wasn’t coming on to ask and hear opinions, she was just coming on to be told she was right, everyone is jealous of her and it’s them not her, she should only be friends with those she perceives to have money, everyone else is a waste of her time

Most of my friends were from a lower income bracket. Not massively lower, but nmw levels. All of them, with only one exception, tried to exploit me, stole from me, borrowed money I never received back, took things from me that they'd asked me to sell them then never gave me the money, got sly digs in regarding me being able to afford things like nicer food etc.

Needless to say they're no longer friends.

Clearly, it’s obvious your looking for closure in some way, I just don’t think comforting yourself with the reasons you’ve highlighted sit all that comfortably with you.

statements like this ‘it is sad because I am happy having friends from different social/income levels. I only suggest cheap outings like coffee at a cafe or walks around a park’ will offend people because if it truly didn’t factor it wouldn’t require saying. You can’t help noticing what you do but if you’ve noticed something others will have too and it makes things uneasy. Denying you notice and it doesn’t have an effect won’t resolve that. You’re better off owning it and directly talking to people about it. Empathising when things are hard for them instead of pretending it doesn’t matter or you understand completely iyswim.

You were dumped because you are an horrendous snob. If this is real.

why should you care how big or otherwise your friends’ houses are?

Read my post. I said 3 of my old friends ended the friendship, I never said all. I still have a lot of old friends who I see from time to time. The problem is none of them are local.

I've got a friend like you. Thinks she's so rich and her house is soo big and brings it up at every opportunity yet claims she's sooo humble. And she wonders why she struggles to maintain friendships. It's just really obvious that she thinks she's better than other people because she has more money. She was sick when she found out our household income is more than her. She hadn't realised because I don't talk about it or display my wealth obviously.

Anyone can be a potential asset, regards of pay grades.