To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

Jesus!
I can't say I've ever given where my friends are on the "economic ladder" a second thought. Is it even a thing? Does everyone want to earn more and more and more? Where does it end?
You come across as Hyacinth Bucket. You refer to your former friends as having smaller houses. Why would you even notice? Why would you give it any headspace?

Sounds like you're trying to show off to your friends and there is nothing more boring than that. Nobody is impressed. Your new friends sound just like you - a bit shallow, materialistic and I bet none of you understand real wealth and investments.
A big house doesn't make you well off, neither does a big income, car etc. You have a lot to learn.

I think there's a lot of truth in what you're saying.

Rightly or wrongly a lot of people get the hump if they see someone with a bigger house than theirs. Often it's daft, easier to have paid off a mortgage on a small house.

There are those who don't care, but also there's a lot of envious people out there. That's the reason that estate agents will say there's no point on over extending your house - it doesn't fit in with the road.

I don't think it's the case with old friends who you've known for years, but it can be harder to make friends once you reach a certain age and yes, this is a barrier.

Currently I don't work. My friends include a company director, a social worker, a journalist, a retired office worker, a teacher and a cleaner. One lives in a one bedroomed flat, one lives in a huge expensive house.
Wealth (or lack of) has never been an issue for any of us.

Taking the question at face value, yes, its very much worth having friends who earn less. Or more. Or the same. Because it should be one of the least important aspects of a friendship.
I've had a group of friends for 40 years. During that time some of us have been very wealthy, some of us have needed food parcels and hand me downs from each other, and most of us have been at both ends of that spectrum at one point or another.
The reality is, unless you're 'solidly' wealthy over generations, wealth comes and goes over a long life time, with many of us being just a recession, change in interest rates, a divorce, a promotion, a remarriage, a bereavement, away from significantly altered financial circumstances.
Basing your friendships on something so fragile might be fine for short term convenience, but for something real and lasting you need to look beyond current income levels.

how is it that shitty provocative posts so often start with "hear me out" which is a Reddit habit not to be encouraged here.

I do speak/write quite plainly and can see how that might rub people up the wrong way sometimes. If my husband had written this post, it would no doubt sound less annoying.

That is one of the conclusions that I am reaching that it is easier for birds of a feather to flock together.

cant see why this would be an issue.

I have lots of friends with bigger houses than me, but I’m a single parent and they have double income households. 🤷‍♀️

they never make me feel ‘less than’ and all the stuff we do is affordable for all of us. Most people with an average income can afford a coffee/lunch/ night out, so not sure why people would cut you off for that…unless you’re spending a fortune on drugs and champagne!??

I do have one friend who’s jealous of me despite her big house though…that’s because she feels she can’t leave her shit of a husband or she’ll be skint. She seems to be annoyed I got rid of my feckless husband and I’m quite content with less!!

.If my husband had written this post, it would no doubt sound less annoying What makes you think that? Because he’d word it differently?

93% say unreasonable and OP is clearly only hearing the ones who agree with her. 🙄

I read social cues well. I have acknowledge in a previous post the women that the women probably didn't bond with me and didn't think it was worth investing in the friendship any further.

Valid point - it is a small village with a small pool of potential friends. Things would be easier in a bigger location.

Yep that’s how it’s looking. 🤔

It depends.

If people are comfortable, happy with their careers and choices etc, its fine.

It does get difficult if you have everything, and have been lucky with career and finances etc (lots of family help and the like) and you are friends with someone who works like a dog in a worthwhile profession but just never seems to catch a break and is on the bones of their arse as a result. Its hard to watch friends sailing along seeming to just get lucky a lot while you are struggling.

You're getting quite the grilling here OP, however I can see what you're trying to say, I think your post possibly wasn't worded quite right.

Or perhaps people will think I'm also a completely smug asshole too, who knows!

I have friends from all walks of life, genuinely. Sometimes when people who are wealthy say this, it reads as "aren't I so nice! Befriending the poor!" When really they are trying to put across that they are able to connect and hold meaningful relationships with diverse friendship group. No different to religious or cultural differences.

I cam from nothing, had nothing, no helping hands etc. We live in a nice but diverse area. We've grafted very hard and although not rich by any stretch, we are very comfortable and significantly more well off than 70% of the village let's say.

Friendships I made when we first moved here and had nothing, have since dumped me / turned on me (thinking we were friends and later found they were unkind about me to others etc) as our business's grew. They'd tell me " you should be so proud of what you've achieved and have" to my face, then literally bitch about it to others.

It was so painful and I've learn now that some people just find it very hard to watch others do better. That it's about how they feel about themselves and not alot to do with you (unless you really are an unsufferable smug idiot) and they let jealousy get in the way. This baffles me. I think it's fine to think "I wish I had that TOO" but I'd never not want that person to have what they have either, you know? Especially when theyve watched the hardship it took to get to where we are. Sometimes I feel out of place with some very rich friends, but that's okay, they're just living their lives as I am mine, and there will always be differences of normality and perspective there.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I've had to learn not to take it to heart. I just felt like an idiot for not realising the friendship was fake their end sooner!

Sadly I think you're right, it's easier to stick with those who have a life more aligned with your own, less complicated, especially in this climate our tory government have built- very divide and conquer. So much misdirected frustrated and anger to others.

Oh god I'm glad my friend don't think like this or I'd have none. I'm the poor one AND I'm the only single one too. A double whammy of undesirability. I'd say perhaps look closer as to why so many are 'dumping' you. Personally I like going to friends nicer/bigger homes and enjoying the space.

I've got a part time job as a cleaner (although I have a degree, and a decent education, life has worked out this way and here we are) and my two best friends are a head teacher and a manager for an insurance company. Both own their houses and have a lot more money than me, obviously.
It's literally never been mentioned when we're together. Nobody cares. We're just friends. Have been for years and years.
Which leads me to think your problems aren't about the money situation.

You are right - it is not always what you think. I guess because I have been so keen to make new friends, the experience has been hurtful. Someone else would have taken it more in stride.

Jesus. This post! My best friend earns triple what I earn - she’s a corporate lawyer and I’m a secondary school teacher. Not once have I ever thought that.

Maybe it’s just you. I never felt the need to share pictures of my house with friends 🤷‍♀️

YABU

You have been dumped by multiple friends yet you think the issue is something to do with them - that says a lot about your personality.

Most people would look in the mirror and think about their behaviour and why this keeps happening - but instead you’ve come up with some ridiculous reason about finances, even though you’ve said that finances were never part of the friendship.

Some friendships don’t work.
Adult friendships are very difficult because of time.

I have always been friends with people who are much higher and much lower earners than myself.

There has been issues when they’ve wanted to do something more expensive but I was honest and said I couldn’t afford it.

I am also friends with a SAHM who I’ve had to be honest with and say I don’t have time to meet after work.

I already know that I wouldn’t want to be friends with you because of your personality.

It would have nothing to do with the finances and I suggest if you ever want to make friends, then you start being a little less patronising and think about your behaviour rather than the finances or any other ridiculous reasons.

No doubt that moving can kill friendships. I would have been happy to continue with calls and messages and visiting them when I can but they weren't interested.

I have friends who earn far more than me and far less. I have had one person earning less be very jealous (they were open that they were being horrible for this reason: apparently I shouldn't ever share my struggles as a disabled lone parent with SEN kids and trauma caused by my ex-H etc because it's insensitive to do so when I have a good job, as if that makes everything ok ) but that person was an outlier IME. It's never been an issue with anybody else.

It’s not the people that your friends with that are the problem it’s you change your attitude and you might find it easier to make and keep friends. Just a thought op.

"Both live in smaller houses than me and earn less but it didn't matter to me"

Eh?!

How noble of you...

Im not saying you’re doing this op.
I had a small group of friends who were much wealthier than me. I really liked them But they would spend a long time talking about things I just couldn’t join in with, long discussions about multiple holidays and all the hotels they’d stayed in. They all seemed to know all the hotels in all the expensive holiday destinations. It ended up making me feel shit as I couldn’t join in and made Me feel like I didn’t fit in. I really don’t think they realised they were doing it, or how it would make me feel, it’s just what was normal to talk about for them.