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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

592 replies

MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 08:00

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:02

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 06/11/2022 08:48

I do think the OP might have a point. My best friend married a multi millionaire and she has remained down to earth and as far as I can see totally unchanged by it. She has been on the receiving end of a fair bit of envy though and some of our other friends have said things like she is not too big for her boots (she isn't) and so forth. There has been envy and she said once that she had made some friends through toddler groups and when invited them to her DD's 3rd birthday party there was some awe about their house and she was after that completely dropped. In fact one of the husband's commented as he left with sarcasm; 'Thanks for inviting us to your posh house' which she was really embarrrassed and hurt by. So I feel quite sure things like this do happen. She's not a rub it in peoples faces type either. We were out once with a couple of people and someone introduced her to a third person as 'jayne, you know the one in the Big House' and she was mortified and muttered 'Oh it's falling down around our ears and we can't keep up with it' as a kind of apology for living her own life.

So I can see how an obvious disparity might create uncomfortable feelings for someone for whatever reason.

I do appreciate that I may not be some people's cup of tea even if I lived in a 1 bedroom. Thank you for acknowledging that it is not all in my imagination.

Being dumped does hurt and it is why I am so delighted to have found new friends who like me. I had given up hope.

OP posts:
Suedomin · 06/11/2022 10:04

I think it is your attitude that is the problem not your relative bank balances.

Scottishskifun · 06/11/2022 10:05

This is a tricky one in my experience it doesn't really matter among the majority.

But I was dropped like a hot potato when one mum "friend" found out we owned a small campervan and declined to lend it to her! She came out with quite a bit of vitriol about how I was stuck up, how she should know not to make friends with people unless they were on the council estate and how everyone who lived in my part of town was snobs! I think there can be some reverse snobbery and I definitely felt like she was only being my friend for personal gain. But I also just be down to the individual rather than as a whole.

Nevermorethis · 06/11/2022 10:06

Raininghard · 06/11/2022 09:41

I think it would be better to read the thread as you’ve surmised inaccurately

Show quote history

I see you are the rich friend who lacks understanding of how people may feel being the poorer friend, despite many people on this thread articulating this.

jennymac31 · 06/11/2022 10:07

My salary has doubled since I first entered employment and I have friends who earn a lot less. We've been there for each other and i certainly wouldn't dump them due to salary differences.

Raininghard · 06/11/2022 10:10

my take op is you’re very impressed by wealth , very materialistic , you want to be seen as something you aren’t, and you don’t see this in yourself. But it’s what’s loosing you friends.

I also have a feeling this big house that everyone in the village apparently knows about and knows you live there. would not be a big house by most peoples standards, you are not living in some multi million pound property that people stop and gawp at.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:10

RewildingAmbridge · 06/11/2022 08:52

Why won't you address your previous thread where you discuss your income and it's not the huge amount you're portraying

That post is over 6 years old I think. My husband has a well paid professional job. We have been married for 12 years. You do the maths.

I never claimed to be a multi millionaire but the years have been kind.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 06/11/2022 10:12

thepurplewhisperer · 06/11/2022 09:59

It's the opposite! The more wealth you have the easier it is to accommodate everyone.

Be gracious, accepting, nurturing and be discrete.

I can't see why having financial wealth would exclude any friendships.

Thing is, if you have to make a conscious effort to be those things people can sense it’s not completely sincere. People start feeling patronised and treated as ‘less than’.

whether anyone involved actually recognises it for what it is isn’t a given and it comes out in hostile ways - like on this thread.

Megifer · 06/11/2022 10:16

MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 09:52

In which of my posts have I back peddled? I have added more detail that is all especially with some posters assuming that I have no old friends.

Show quote history

Backpeddled probably wrong word, tried to make yourself sound a bit....nicer? Not sure how else to word it.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:17

CookieDoughKid · 06/11/2022 08:53

I also hear where you’re coming from. I agree with previous poster who said it is disingenuous to pretend that things like income levels and housing never have an affect on new friendships. But I do think it's a lot more nuanced. There was a very small hobby group formed with the 6 of us and the group has splintered into two . I am disappointed that certain members don't make an effort any more but totally respect that and I've not raised any issues but it was clear from the start our lifestyles were all very, very different (C level jobs vs being a part time child minder for example). Now I don't care one jot about people's jobs or backgrounds myself but I sometimes don't get return on invites either and I truly think there is a big house effect.

FWIW, I used to get intimidated going into friend's house especially if they were huge and were millionaires(from our private nursery so lots of mixed backgrounds). It takes a little gusto as you think you're not worthy. Mumsnet are often full of confident posters but not everyone is.

Sadly, I am finding out that income levels and housing sometimes have an affect on new friendships. I'm an outgoing person and talk to strangers on the train and have no problem being friends with people who earn less. The experiences have been hurtful.

BTW - I love reading your thoughtful posts on other threads.

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 06/11/2022 10:17

Think you worded your op badly but I do agree in parts.

My cousin has come into significant money (think millions) but has started behaving like a twat. It has affected her friendships. However there are some who genuinely feel jealous and are acting weird around her.
She confides in me about how people are treating her now. She feels able to speak with me as she views me as on 'her level' (I live in a house that usually attracts comments (extremely humble beginnings and earn accordingly)). Some of what she moans about I can completely understand and some is bought about by situations she could have handled better such as her hen do and the demands she placed on others. I've tried to feed back to her about just being the same person.

But this post resonates for me as I think about this topic fairly often and how I come across. I try and make a consious effort to be mindful of my comments and actions. I am friends with most of my childhood friends and new ones. We all have different lifestyles. Like others, I've noticed a 'cooling' when people visit or see my car but usually the friendship has remained good when friends see I'm generally the same. I have a fear or losing everything so that influences a lot of my behaviour. I do have a friend who compares everything in our homes and says things like "well I can't afford F&B paint like you so I'll just have to make do with x,y,z". Then I always reply with something like "it will look amazing. F&B is overated. You'll make the place so cozy for the kids".
Note, I've not said my place is painted with F&B but she's trying to ascertain what sort of expenses I'm working with. Same with carpets, furniture, car. Makes me feel uncomfortable.

So I don't think you are totally off the mark but your post wording has not necessarily painted you in the best light.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/11/2022 10:18

OP, I need to see photos of your big house to decide if you are unreasonable or not

LoraOldSpot · 06/11/2022 10:20

Not at all. Two of my closest friends earn a fraction of what I do and don’t own their homes. We’re friends because we all share the same values.

My other friend who is similar to be in terms of financial security I would place below these two in terms of our closeness of friendship.

Justisme · 06/11/2022 10:20

Hi OP, I am one of the few that voted YANBU. believe this happens more than a lot of people like to admit. I also think there are other factors at play - not just this. for example people like to be friends with people who hold similar values to them as it helps bond easier / same interest etc.

I had friends I was very close to, almost like family. They had some tough times in their relationship and I supported them through it. My partner and I ended up living on the same road as them and for a time it was great, we all grew very close. We were all the the same industry but different areas. the problems started when my partner and I were promoted and continued bringing home more money. After a while when they would have the money is tight discussion and we would listen and sympathise but could not join in as we once had. We never rubbed any of our new promotions or money in their face. But of course we told them about our promotions since we spoke a lot and they would have found out anyway through the industry

they slowly pulled away and made comments like other people seem to be getting breaks and going up and we just keep going down. Eventually we let them have their space (which they asked for) and waited patiently but they never bothered with us.

this hurt me so so much as I was there for them and considered them family since I did not have any of mine in my life. There is a lot of anger there but ultimately they are not the type of people I want in my life.

we still live on the same road and recently bought a brand new car which they would’ve seen and I stupidly feel slightly guiltily for every time I walk out because we both had very old run down cars and spoke about the huge expense of getting a new car. We decided to get a new one (when we had our daughter) and they bought a second hand car much later. we will be moving in the next two years so won’t have to be around the negative energy much longer.

so yes. I think it is easier to make friends with people who have similar interests, views and I believe that extends to financial situations too.

Moomieboo · 06/11/2022 10:22

BabyClubYEEAAH · 06/11/2022 08:04

Maybe try living outside of your own asshole and you might find friendships easier.

THIS !!!!

Wonderwoman333 · 06/11/2022 10:22

BabyClubYEEAAH · 06/11/2022 08:04

Maybe try living outside of your own asshole and you might find friendships easier.

Couldn't have said it better...

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:22

Nevermorethis · 06/11/2022 08:54

Leaving aside OPs circumstance, yes it can. Because people tend to want someone who can afford to do the things they want to do. That’s my experience. So yes, I am aware that if I suddenly became really poor my social circles would dwindle. I would lose the friendships which exist at classes I go to, as I could no longer go, and my other friends I would expect to drop off as they got bored of all their contact being house calls or local walks and as I had to keep on turning down their invites to do other stuff.

I actually lived briefly with someone this happened to. She was unemployed for years after losing her job and all her friends had slowly drifted away. I knew someone else who was also unemployed for years and years, and only maintained her friendships by accumulating many tens of thousands of debt which paid for being able to keep on socializing with them.

That is sad. Sadly, a lot of friendships are not storybook lifelong ones as much as I would like them to be. I would never ditch a friend because they were unemployed. Happy to have a coffee at their house and chat - no need to spend any money.

OP posts:
Raininghard · 06/11/2022 10:24

MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:10

That post is over 6 years old I think. My husband has a well paid professional job. We have been married for 12 years. You do the maths.

I never claimed to be a multi millionaire but the years have been kind.

Show quote history

We are, six years ago you were in debt as you couldn’t even afford your house repairs up front.

you obviously know you’re trying to portray yourself as someone much wealthier than you are. Deep down you know it so the question is what’s driving you to do this. Even anonymously on line it’s important to you that people think you’re wealthy. That there is the nub of the issue

did you grow up poor?

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:27

Meadowbreeze · 06/11/2022 08:54

I can see this happening tbh and I think people are disingenuous if they say they don't. The reality is, it takes a lot to upkeep friendships in adult life, with a family. It's hard enough spending significant time with your loved ones, let alone new friends. People also really want to be able to relate to their friends and I think maybe the people's you've met have assumed they won't have that with you so they've not bothered to out more effort in. For some, it may have genuinely just been time. It is so hard to keep up adult friendships and maybe that's a big difference between you and them, not the house but how much work you're willing to put it. The house may be a reflection of your situation, you may be able to have some help that saves you time and that attracts a lifestyle those women won't be able to relate to.

It may be a mix of that and a mix of you showing how badly you want a friend. Its like with kids, it's always quite obvious when one is trying to make a friend and not succeeding.
We're social creatures and it hurts to be lonely. I mean that even for an introvert, it's nice to have people sometimes. I feel bad for you, you sound like a lovely person. Village life can be hard and can take long to get used to. Try not to worry too much about it, you'll meet people who you'll reciprocate your friendliness.

Thank you for your kind post. It is possible I may have been too keen which is off putting. It does hurt to be lonely and not have local friends which is why I am over the moon to now have 3 lovely friends that I see regularly and who also value the friendship.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 06/11/2022 10:28

OttilieKnackered · 06/11/2022 08:02

Do you think it could be because you’re unbearably smug?

Haha beat me to it.

OP your ‘mummy friends’ (🤢) probably only endure you for the sake of their children.

DWMoosmum · 06/11/2022 10:28

Your new friends think you're wonderful!!! Really?

Fizbosshoes · 06/11/2022 10:29

EtonMusk · 06/11/2022 08:10

A view from the other side:

I still feel a lot of affection for my oldest friends who have done well in life but I don't like going on nights out with them because:

A) It practically bankrupts me (expensive bars and restaurants)
and
B) I feel excluded from the conversation (which is all private schools, second homes and foreign holidays).

They're not doing it to be spiteful or show off, I know that, it's just their life nowadays - but it does make me feel dull and poor and out of my depth.

I do find this sometimes and also have to bite my tongue when friends talk about "pulling their belts in" when they've told me about the foreign holiday they've just booked, the meals out they went to last week and the current renovations they're doing to their house.

But those are only part of the conversations and there is usually common ground somewhere. There are always parts of conversation that feel like a different world to mine but that's the normality for my friends and they would never say things to make me feel inferior. At the end of the day they're my friends because they're people I've clicked with, and met mainly through our DC or through shared interest/sport and we try to help each other when we can, and be there for each other I times of need.

Cornettoninja · 06/11/2022 10:30

I don’t think the OP is going to explore that @Raininghard. I am getting the impression that she finds it very hard to face that her own actions might cause others upset or offence. It’s much easier to listen to those empathising than those pointing out negatives.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 10:30

WinterWanders · 06/11/2022 08:56

Maybe they are just busy or have too much going on in their own lives to put efforts and time into new friendships. It could be nothing to do with you. I’m like this, I work very hard with my own business, I’m a single parent. Just keeping up with all this, the non-optional parts of life and keeping the show on the road, take up all my energy. I’d love to have time and energy to invest in friendships but I just don’t.

You are right - it could be nothing to do with me. People have very busy lives and may not be keen on investing in new friendships.

OP posts:
IncessantNameChanger · 06/11/2022 10:30

I opened this thinking your friends couldn't afford to meet up, but I see that's not the case. Some of my mates are loaded. It's pretty irrelevant 95% of the time.