To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

But you judged me as immature based on less than two lines for having an opinion that disagreed with the OP. In my opinion her OP is fairly bitchy, my thoughts on the matter as thus does not make me immature. 92% last time I checked think the OP is unreasonable for what she said. There’s a lot worse than bitchy been said also, does that make 92% immature??

Meet ups have been coffee at a local cafe, walks at the park etc. Nothing extravagant.

I have a group of five best friends, we are all very close and have been for over ten years. One of them is a millionaire. Her family are incredibly wealthy and she had a hefty amount left to her (7 figures) when she turned 18. She earns very well now.

The rest of us range from long term minimum wage earners to comfortably middle class, but she is the wealthiest by far. There has never once been a problem, and tbh you'd never guess just how wealthy she was if you didn't know. She's just a nice person who gets on with most people she meets 🤷‍♀️

I am okay with it tbh. If one or two of my old friends found it hard to see the changes in my life, I like to think of the situation was reversed I would have been happy for them. But who knows, no doubt it is far easier to be generous with your acceptance when you are not struggling to pay the gas bill.

The dc didn't go to the village school as they had mixed years groups, so we sent our dc somewhere else. It was the final nail in the coffin for the friendship they saw me as rejecting the local school I guess.

Actually I did have a friend who I met on a night out and we became best mates who was obsessed with money and men called her a gold digger…

she actually was quite nice and fun on some levels but the way she went after her current partner was shocking, mostly for his money! She now has a lovely house but she’s very flakey, shallow and a bit untrustworthy.

However she’s an east London girl and I think her parents were poor or poorer growing up so eg designer labels etc were pointers that they’d “made it”.

if she wasn’t so shallow and didn’t drop friends so much we’d probably still be best friends. Pity really.

My opinion is that calling other grown women bitchy is immature

Clearly you think thats fine, on that absolutley we will agree to disagree.

In which of my posts have I back peddled? I have added more detail that is all especially with some posters assuming that I have no old friends.

We lived in a fairly affluent area once and people ditched me or wouldn't speak to me once they discovered we were renting our place and Dh and I didn't earn six figures ( we had moved there with dh's job on a short contract )
One or two were very nice, but mostly people were unfriendly and only judged you by what you had. Shallow doesn't cover it really !
They were the ones with the problem

Good God, this question is ridiculous, OP.

Take a look at yourself, you're making yourself sound shallow, judgemental, dull and not very bright. Your 'value' has feck all to do with earnings.

What qualities do you have to offer friends, think on that and remember who you actually are. You sound very insecure, please read up on how to feel more confident.

Thanks, and I think you’re right, this has never happened to me, but I suspect I’d have a similar view to them. Sorry if I’ve been a bit blunt and harsh, I was just genuinely curious that’s all :)

Chortling at "knobber" 😆

I did type a long reply but it's disappeared and I don't have time to do it all over again.

Acquaintances come and go over the years but true friends are for life, the material stuff is irrelevant. You can't force those friendships, they grow over time.

I completely get what you are trying to say.
Only Mumsnet will call you out on it but I think you are very brave for posting this.
As much as we don't like it it does happen. It's normally the other way round though. I have been 'dropped' by a friend who had a big salary increase as I think she began to make friends with a more affluent circle. Her loss! My sister married a man who was rich! She is fairly well off in her own right but she hates it. She said the judging when people come round and she said if she lost the money how many of them would be there? I have friends who are rich and poor and am in the middle. I don't really care about other people but a lot of people do care!

I live in a fairly MC area but I earn less than the average wage. I would say all my friends had more household disposable income than me (from what they spend on cars, holidays, cleaners, day to day type expenses etc) ...so if I could only be friends with people in the same income bracket to me, I wouldn't have any local friends!!

I have a normal “house” and friends with people with big houses. Some of those is because of their families not their jobs. Some friends who are born into money I would say don’t know the struggle to pay mortgages etc because they never had one! This can be annoying as it could be seen that they don’t live in the same world. But for me I’m not judging but there can be an air of arrogance around money. However real friends wouldn’t show that would they because it wouldn’t matter. For me i would rather live in my normal house and have genuine friends….

Agree, the op is completely oblivious to how she comes across. She simply can’t see it. But nearly everyone else can. She comes across terribly, thinking that everyone envies her, that she only shares values with those with wealth. That it’s not worth making an effort with anyone who earns less. It’s right there even in her ops title. But she can’t see it.

What makes this incredibly odd is six years ago she was on a middling salary and deep in debt, and folks were dumping her at that point. But again she can’t see it at all.

Read back through the thread, if you think bitchy is immature perhaps hazard a comment to the poster who calls the op a C U next tuesday and a twat!!

That's exactly how I feel! It's not deliberate it's just the way it is.

*posters

You sound like a twat. I expect your cool new rich friends are twats too, hence why you all get along.

@TimeForMeToF1y perhaps this one?? Just to point it out to you!!

A reasonable post. If I was working 2 or 3 jobs I doubt I would have the energy to meet up with a lot of friends too - they would have to be very special. The friends I go to EH sites with are also members.

It’s a shame because it’s clearly bothering her despite her reaching her own conclusions, I dare say any of the people who’ve backed away don’t give their assessments a second thought.

I have lots of friends who are richer then me, and lots who are less well off. I am not a jealous person and I don't mind if someone has a fancier house or car. I found however that certain personalities do get a bit competitive and cool off if they realise you have a more comfortable lifestyle. Some people have made snarky comments to me in the past when I have gone on holiday, or done other "fancy" things, but to each their own. I believe you are overthinking this way too much - just see the friendship for its intrinsic value, and if money becomes a problem, so be it.

It's the opposite! The more wealth you have the easier it is to accommodate everyone.

Be gracious, accepting, nurturing and be discrete.

I can't see why having financial wealth would exclude any friendships.

The consistent factor here is you. Your demeanour and personality seems to repel
MummyFriends, dear god that’s so twee. They’re friends. They’re not solely defined as mummies
I wish you well going forward and perhaps don’t obsess about money & status. It’s a tiresome and toxic preoccupation