To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

One of my oldest friends became rich and went from being a lovely generous person to a self important tight arse. We use to go out for food and unless one had had significantly more we would split the bill. Suddenly she would quibble over a couple of pound ( she earns 6x what I do) I found it annoying because when I'd done that in the past (due to not having much money) I was told to suck it up. I think people of different earning can be friends providing the richer one is considerate of the others spending capabilities and doesn't gloat.

This is just odd. I suspect you’ve the same issue as the op. No one feels intimidated by a friends house , not if the host makes them feel welcome and no one feels they need to dress up to visit unless the host makes them think this.

as said I live in a big house, an expensive one which sits in several acres. my friends come round, they dress as I do, jeans, t shirts etc, they stay over, run around in their pyjamas in the morning, they help themselves to whatever out the beer/wine fridges. As I do in theirs, no one is intimidated I live in a big house, no one feels they need to dress up. Because where I live is irrelevant to our friendship , they behave as they always have, in every house I’ve ever lived in, and that started off small.

if anyone dumped you and felt like that, then you are at fault for making them feel that. Why would they feel they need to dress up. They’d only feel that if you started doing it. Why would they feel intimidated by a house, unless you didn’t make them feel st home.

so if a few people dumped you then you also need to look inward. It isn’t the house. It’s you

OP - frugal can often come across as mean especially to people who don’t know you.

You also sound like a bit of a basic bitch and that’s me being nice!

Wild guess - they didn't like you?
Nothing to do with what you earn. You can't get on with everyone, and you sound pretty up yourself tbh.

Only read a bit of the thread, but I’ve noticed that posters who have found themselves being the ‘poor’ friend acknowledge the mental challenge of this, those who are richer are happy and proud to be friends with anyone.
It’s surely not hard to see that it feels a lot better to be the one accommodating cheaper days out for your poor pal, than to be the poor pal having to be accommodated.
Those comfortably off, happy with their poorer friends and stating money makes no difference, may not realise that the poorer friend is less at ease with the situation than them.

Some earn more and some less. We have a brilliant time when we get together.

Jealousy is an ugly trait

I didn't change. I was still the same person. Yes my house was bigger but we still laughed the same, shared the same values.

I know they were struggling financially at the time, and maybe it was too much for them. They were honest from the outset, and I had high hopes that we would work around it, I didn't imagine a house move would change friendships in the way it did. My dc started at the local prep school, and we were pulled further apart.

I still feel sad about it, and a bit judged, like they were expecting me to suddenly become lady of the manor or something before they really gave me the chance to show them that I am still the same friend I had been for years. It was pretty shit of them tbh, and works both ways. I made new friends at school, and in the village and it was fine, but stereotypes most def work both ways.

Sometimes I wish I was more like my husband. He has a small group of friends that he went to school with and isn't interested in making new ones

but your old friends binned you off. Can you still really not see it? You’re desperately grabbing at any post that remotely agrees with you in an attempt to prove it’s not you it’s your wealth and their envy

This is a discussion thread, it's full of posters disagreeing with each other, that is pretty much what aibu is for

No one is forced to change their opinion but we're all allowed to have one and the only think we can judge others on is their individual comments

That was awful behaviour from your friend. Makes sense that you ditched her.

I think it would be better to read the thread as you’ve surmised inaccurately

"I find it baffling that some people are keen to be friends and some decide they want little to do with me."
Well that's just human nature, isn't it? Do you really think you're that amazing that everyone must be falling over themselves to be your friend? Some people just don't like other people.

You sound very smug and snobby. I'm surprised you've got any friends at all.

No wonder your friends dump you, you are smug and obviously think abigger house makes a better person. You will end up sitting in your roomy house alone with your only large bank statement to keep you company if you don't change your attitude

Of course it works both ways but like I said you have a perception that nothing changed. This thread is ample example of how people perceive things differently. If nothing had changed as you say it hadn’t, why did your children need to change to a school that costs money? Not having a go but just curious :)

I was thinking the same
Totally unnecessary and nasty

I disagree. My friends were having money problems, some were pretty bad. It wasn't a comfortable time for them anyway. As I said most of the group stayed intact, and the ones that felt uncomfortable coming over melted away. The other friends in the group were pretty aghast by the whole thing.

I am just sharing my own experience, and as you were not there and don't know me it is most odd that you would decide it was me 😂and although I am happy to accept we did choose a rather grand looking house, with small children it didn't stay that way for long!

It is a shame as they missed some fun times and summers.

For what it’s worth DM’s best friends were millionaires… one had a huge house in Cheyne Walk, one had a huge house in the posh part of East Croydon…etc…

DM herself isn’t super rich but isn’t poor at all!

DB’s ex GF had a small house in Dulwich Village.

see all of the above people, they don’t equate friendship with money and they weren’t necessarily born into money, maybe the Cheyne Walk man was!

lots of my boyfriends in my teens and early 20s were Sloanes and very rich. Again they thought I was posh/rich but valued me more for looks/personality rather than my money!

I’m guessing OP’s friends might be nouveau riche which is basically fur coat no knickers!

As the friend with a smaller house who is friends with people with huge houses let me tell you things from my perspective!

I work bloody hard and am high up in my career, however the industry I'm in isn't as lucrative as say insurance or banking. I'm a single mum and work bloody hard and spin a lot of plates. I rent a very small two bed property and let out my flat in London. With the cost of childcare and less in general I have very little disposable income.

I couldn't give two shits about the size of someone's house! One of my best friends lives in a £2 million property! I'm happy for her and we have a wonderful friendship...! Another lives in a £1.5 million property and we are BFFS forever!!! We are each other's cheerleaders and we measure friendship on more than materialistic things.

I have other 'friends' that live in smaller (but still big houses) that I don't spend that much time with because they are so materialistic! I feel crap and like I've achieved nothing because all they harp on about is money and materialistic things and bitch about people they deem to be beneath them. They put all their worth in materialism and worth what car you drive, what's the size of your house etc etc (even though they don't work and afford their lifestyles because of their husbands)! It's not about the size of the house, it's about whether you make someone who has less than you feel comfortable!

I am sure they had valid reasons for not wanting to continue the friendship. I resisted the urge to send a needy text asking why. They would be too polite to say the truth even if I did ask.

You sound like a massive twat, so your other mummy besties are probably twats too..

I think that like many people who believe they have 'bettered themselves' by becoming wealthier, you are preoccupied with financial status, which can be very off putting and dull.
You probably found it easier to make friends with the wealthier women because they are similarly focused on the material, or, more likely, that you make more effort with these women as you see them as aspirational.
Of course, the answer you're looking for, that they're all jealous of you, is a possibility. But friends who genuinely value you would adjust and get over that in time, so it sounds as though these other people were not that invested in the first place.

I have never thought that I am better than anyone because I earn more or have a bigger house. Nothing in my post suggests that

….and yet other posters have read that into your comments.

you can either approach this looking for reasons why everyone else has an issue or you can assess yourself and see if there’s anything your contributing to the issue and why people react to you in that way.

we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. If something is getting miscommunicated only you have the capability to try a different way.

This is a different issue. Often these “mummy” friendships are convenience only. And relatively short lived. As the children grow. Make different friends etc then the friendships often wane and end. It’s only a minority that survive and are true.