AIBU to feel rejected by my son?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 12 and a lovely, kind, gentle, easygoing kid. We get along really well. I love our family time together. Lately he’s been hanging out at his friend’s house a lot and is always going on sleepovers there. The friend is a nice kid, but is quite indulged (I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an only child). Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc. The mum is really nice but definitely less strict than me. My son never invites his friends to our house and jumps at any chance to go to his friends’ houses-especially this friend. Plans that start off being at our house seem to always end up at this other kid’s house instead. Today we planned a family pizza movie night and when we arrived to pick DS up, he had just been invited to sleep over and was all excited. I said yes but left feeling a little hurt. I’m happy that he has friends and gets invited to things. I don’t want to guilt trip him, but we had planned to all hang out together tonight. Do I need to let go and accept that this is how it is when kids get closer to their teenage years? Should I talk to him about evening things out and inviting friends here more often?

Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc

Do you not allow any of that?

We have some unhealthy snacks, but we don’t let our kids eat a load of crap all the time. Our kids have a limit on how much screen time they get per day. They have a really cool bedroom with lots of space for friends to hang out. Sleepovers are totally allowed. We have more boundaries than this kid’s parent. That’s probably why his house is so fun! However, we think the boundaries we have are better in the long run.

Hmmm. If I was 12 , would I want junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, or would I want a pizza and a movie at home with parents?

If course he wants choice number 1.

The problem here is, you're making this personal. It's not.

He would rather hang out with his friends than us. No. He wants to hang out with his friends. It's that simple.

I can see why you're feeling a little hurt about this but it's not something you should take personally. Of course the kids want to hang out together when given the chance. Your rules, whilst very sensible, don't sound as much fun. It stings a little when your kids chooses a better option, we've all been there.

Some kids also don't feel comfortable having sleepovers away. My kids don't want to sleep at their best friends house as they are made to go to bed by 9pm and there's not much to eat so they come home hungry. As a result I often end up with all the kids at mine

Yes this particular kid likes to be at home and have his friends there. My son is super easy going, which is why the hang outs are usually on the other kid’s terms. I don’t think my son has a problem with it at all, but it feels a bit unbalanced to me. I guess I just need to suck it up.

What screen rules do you have for 12 year old?

15 mins in the week and 1 hour on weekends. We usually watch a tv show together at the end of the day too before they go to bed. Some of his friends have no limits. We are definitely on the stricter end. If friends come over, we aren’t too strict on the screens though.

15 mins a day? At 12?? No wonder he wants to be at his friends house😬

I’d be hurt by this too but it’s not your fault OP - what 12 year old wouldn’t want to be in the wonderland of getting whatever the f they want?! I would be uncomfortable with my DC spending loads of time there. My kids don’t get to eat crap all the time or have unlimited screen time either. Because it’s shitty parenting and not good for them.

Be a parent and put rules and boundaries in place eg sleepovers once a month or something. Not getting now you make plans and they end up with your 12 year old dictating what he ends up doing and you go along with it even though you don’t want to.

15 mins? What do they do on that time ? What else do they do all night after school to relax and have fun?

Well, 15 minutes and 1hr screen time at the weekend at age 12 is unusually strict compared to what most families seem to be doing these days. Kids these days use technology in ways similar to how we used magazines, toys and tv, the world has changed.

It's a matter of balance and there are options in between a complete free for all and being super restrictive. It's possible to allow more screen time and not be 'a shitty parent'. I'm sure you'll find the balance that is right for you OP and your son

We live abroad in a tropical place. My son does after school activities like art and swimming that he loves. Also surf lessons on weekends. When he’s at home he loves reading, playing Lego with his brother and just relaxing. We have a pool. Last summer he cycled around with his friends and they went from house to house, which I thought was great. Trust me, this child does not have a bad life! It’s just that we have some boundaries instead of none.

15 mins, at 12??

OP don't alienate your DC with ridiculous strict rules. In the long run, you're only hurting yourself.

Before you know it your DC will be off living their own life.

Your son sounds happy and balanced OP. Maybe sit down and talk to him and say how would he feel if he only slept over at this particular friend’s twice /once a month? See what he says.

15 mins is in the week. He has after school activities and homework so there isn’t always that much time, but I take your point that maybe it’s not long enough. I definitely don’t think too much screen time is good for kids though.

So the only time he gets a decent amount of screen time is when he sits down with his family to watch a film? No wonder he’s excited to sleep out - does the 15 minutes include the telly?

if so then that’s a ridiculous rule.

Hi OP, I live an expat lifestyle and school days are busy, there's lots of sports/clubs after school here too but I don't limit DS1's screen time any more. He works hard at school, is an active participant in sports etc so why not give him his down time at the end of that? 15 minutes isn't enough to get into anything without being aware the clock is ticking. He sounds like a great kid, what's the issue with getting him to take responsibility for his screen time? We do that with our eldest - yesterday he chose to take his younger brother out for basketball and this morning has been on his screen a lot, so I called him through, we had a conversation and now he's decided to do some reading instead.

Perhaps by being at yours, your son is worried that you would limit screens and would feel embarrassed about it in front of his friend. When he comes back from this sleepover you could reassure him of that and explain that you think 2 sleepovers a month is enough. Then you can open a dialogue about screen time as a whole. It sounds like he's a lot like my eldest (easy going, bright, sporty, always does what he's told) so it's a good opportunity to develop his autonomy and independence.

That’s a great reply. I’ll think about this. Thanks.

What's so bad about screen time? All the kids homework and games are tech based now and with how technology is progressing I can't see the negatives to how it used to be.

Too much screen time isn't good for kids, I'm in total agreement. But 15 mins is just ludicrous. You have to relinquish some control eventually. Don't allow endless screen time, fair enough, but also recognise that he isn't a baby anymore and should be given a little more leeway as he gets older. 15 mins! That's just stupid.

My thoughts exactly, had to read a twice to make sure I didn’t read it incorrectly.

But it’s ok for the parents to be on social media at 4am? he’s growing up OP and he’ll notice the double standards.

Additional screen time won’t stop him seeing friends, it allows him to fit in with what his peers are doing. He and his pals will always choose to go where they get more freedom.

I do think kids spend far too long attached to phones but it’s only what they see their parents and peers doing. You either lead by example and have 15 minutes a day screen time yourself or you lighten up. That doesn’t mean giving him free rein but it respects he’s growing up.

it is nothing personal OP, he’s developing networks that will get him through the next stage of his life. Mummy won’t be able to do that for him. Family movie night will return to being a nice occasional thing for him in a few years when he matures.

I don't have restrictions 🤷‍♀️ not on junk or screen time, I have a rule of no junk/snacks until after lunch but that's about it. My kids don't gorge on junk or veg out in front of the TV all day either though, I find that without restrictions/ withholding certain foods etc. my children don't see those things as special, case in point I literally found their last year Halloween sweets in back of storage press when taking out Halloween decorations, completely abandoned and forgotten, this year's stuff is sitting in a big bowl on counter in kitchen and hasn't been looked at since Halloween night, it'll likely all end up in the bin just like most of ther easter chocolate and so on, was my daughters 13th bday today we all went out for dinner at a very nice restaurant and both kids passed up on dessert as they weren't in the mood and were full, we went bowling afterwards and they were offered snacks etc but didn't touch them, they didn't even have cake when offered... TV is apparently boring and they spend most days doing crafts, out swinging in the garden or reading, my 7 y/o has a massive dogman collection while 13 y/o practically inhales books. Both girls have consoles, 7 y/o has switch and 13 y/o has an xbox, they play them in the morning for maybe an hour at weekend, or if its a particularly dreary wet evening we all play Mario kart as a family, only extended period my kids are in front of a screen is if we do Mario night or a movie night. My 13 y/o is in all honor levels in secondary school. Both girls are very well behaved and I'm always complimented on their manners/politeness. I don't have to force or bribe or "encourage" then to eat their veg and I don't need to wrestle TV remotes or controllers from them. I have never had any issues with bed times, kids are always up early and I've never had a single tantrum in a shop for sweets or whatever. Neither are overweight, their both very active. Most importantly my children aren't motivated by the promise of a screen or sugar, these things do not have any weight or power over my kids and if that makes me a shit parent then so be it but I'm proud to say I'm raising children who I'm hoping become adults without food related issues such as binging on "bad/restricted food". Children should be allowed to self moderate, in fact its a skilled parents should be actively teaching... some kids literally grow up to young adults with no idea how set their own limits with devastating consequences

Keep this regime up and you can expect to see even less of your son in future. When he's older he will probably have some innovative suggestions about what you can do with the pizza.