AIBU to feel rejected by my son?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 12 and a lovely, kind, gentle, easygoing kid. We get along really well. I love our family time together. Lately he’s been hanging out at his friend’s house a lot and is always going on sleepovers there. The friend is a nice kid, but is quite indulged (I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an only child). Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc. The mum is really nice but definitely less strict than me. My son never invites his friends to our house and jumps at any chance to go to his friends’ houses-especially this friend. Plans that start off being at our house seem to always end up at this other kid’s house instead. Today we planned a family pizza movie night and when we arrived to pick DS up, he had just been invited to sleep over and was all excited. I said yes but left feeling a little hurt. I’m happy that he has friends and gets invited to things. I don’t want to guilt trip him, but we had planned to all hang out together tonight. Do I need to let go and accept that this is how it is when kids get closer to their teenage years? Should I talk to him about evening things out and inviting friends here more often?

Puddywoodycat

But it's parents who decide where their children are sleeping and whether sleepovers happen. If a parent, for whatever reason, doesn't want their child staying over somewhere all the time then that's their right.

If course 12 year olds like the fun house with no boundaries, endless junk food, and endless screen time. It's also not surprising that the fun house has all the sleepovers, and all the friends wanting to be round there, not is it surprising that the friend with all the freedoms doesn't seem to want to go to other people's houses.

I've agreed OP could do with relaxing screen time a bit, but to be honest she's always going to be on the back foot if her child's friend has the cool parents with few boundaries.

It's entirely normal for a teen (or nearly) DC to want to spend time away from home. Try not to take it personally!

We have never limited screen time. DD spent hours on her laptop doing art, and is now at art school. DS (now 15) has always filled all his "spare time" with gaming or watching anime, but that's alongside two instruments, a choir, clubs, a sport at national level and just enough schoolwork to be at grade 7+ in all subjects. Obviously it's horses for courses, but for most kids I know, screen-time isn't a problem.

This👆.
I genuinely don't and can't see how that happened/happens.
Parents make decisions. He is 12 not 18.

Like @Puddywoodycat said, I see this as a total lack of trust as well as a lack if respect for your ds. I understand you don’t want no boundaries but there is a happy medium such as no screens after 9.30 pm. If he’s out and about with friends at the weekend, that will naturally curb the amount of time and if you relaxed your control over screen times, you could see how well he does.

At 12, he should be getting some kind of agency over his time and choices. It’s good practice for adulthood and in a few years he will be off to university. The last thing you want is a child, who’s been allowed nothing as these are the ones, who’ve never been taught to self regulate and often go wild.

Have you thought to discuss this with him and ask him how much time he should be allowed on screens, what is a sensible limit on sugar and how he’d see a sleepover playing out?

Lola what harm is some junk food if ops child is eating really well 95% of the time?.

Because she's so strict she's set up this situation where to him nivarna and heaven are at this boy's house.

I am a huge believer in balance and no extreme behaviour.
My parents were very easy and going and relaxed and when I left home all my good friends knew my parents really well, and now my parents are gone it's very special that they remember them.
We were all able to socialise as adults, and enjoy each other company, go on holiday as adults etc.

Op should absolutely make sure there is a limit to sleepovers esp after lots of spur of the moment ones. But if it was me I would couple the ,can we limit the sleepovers to 2 a month however I have decided that you are older now and let's look at screen time again.

Would you like more freedom at home and give him some power and trust! Of course I wouldn't say these things because my DC have balance already. But I think his heart would sing with joy if he was actually asked his opinion on this and come up with some new rules.

And...of op can unclench so her son doesn't feel he can't invites his friends over then the flip side is that maybe this free and easy friend learns to enjoy the more family oriented structure at ops and likes that closer family unit and also becomes their pal?

You’ve been on a screen for over an hour judging by the times of this post.

What can you even DO on a screen in only 15 mins?

Does the fifteen minutes include things like Instagram and Whatsapp? If so, even though I agree that we all (not just children) have too much screen time these days ,I think it's excessive because such a large amount of socialising is via these apps he'd be excluded from communicating with friends and it might adversely affect him.

You claim this other child is overindulged yet your son gets to decide where he sleeps without a murmer from you?

My personal opinion is that I'd limit passive streaming (Netflix, films) but allow socially active communication (Whatsapp, possibly Instagram but that can be fraught, gaming with a group).

I haven’t read the whole thread but my impression is YABU.
Family pizza night is not a big deal, it can be swapped if anyone gets a better offer. I would just rearrange it and say to your son, we’ve changed it for you so we won’t want you to change it again.
Maybe ask him casually if he would like to invite his friend to yours for a change. Ask what you could do to make the evening more fun for the boys.

Exactly.
If you have plans and your ds knows about them then no he can’t sleepover.
He needs to learn that sometimes he has to stay at home.

Do you only spend 15 minutes a day on your phone? He can’t even play one match on an online game with his friend or text his friends for a while. When your ds is at home he can’t contact his friends because you don’t allow him to. No wonder he always goes to his friend’s house to hang out.

I too think you are being over the top strict with your son, which will drive him away of course. You have no trust in him and you treat him like he's much younger than he is. He needs to have freedom, and if you do want him and his friends over at your house you need to let go of most of these rules and just let them enjoy themselves even if that means occasional junk food, screen time or whatever. You sound very jealous of his friends family dynamic, but you are still adamant that you should not be a fun house because of rules, which needs to be followed.

The friends mum may be pleased if you say 'sorry not today it is our turn to host before you go there again'. I would try and just put a bit of a curb on things if it is too much and too onesided .but talk to your child about what he'd like to do to have friends back at yours. One of my children never had friends home although the others did. I think the one that didn't found us embarrassing or that we'd judge his friends.

I sympathise, op.

It is very hard when they start to assert their independence and want to be around friends rather than parents. If their friends’ place is a bit more of a free for all, then that’s part of the attraction too.

as time goes on, this will increase. Our task as parents is to let them go. It’s difficult to not take it personally, when we have been out child’s everything until now, but we do have to step back.

smile, say you hope your son enjoys his night, and do family night another time. And relax a bit about the screen time, as others have said.

12 is hard, it’s still very childlike in many ways but also the cusp of adolescence. But the patterns you put in place now will stick.

Your dig at only children is really unkind.

More generally, as your son gets older he will naturally want to spend more time with friends and less with family. That’s a good thing!

And also naturally, teens gravitate to the most fun and welcoming houses.

I can see how the suddenness of this has come as a shock to you. But whether your house is a teen ‘hub’ is in large part up to you.

Doesn't this massively depend on your child though?

One of mine wine will eat and eat until he has stomach ache and has been this way since infancy. They won't read books, despite us reading to them every day, and are closer to bottom than top of class. The other one would stay on tablet all day every day given the chance and will only eat three kinds of veg despite us never forcing and continually serving a wide variety up.

Is it anything you did, or is it just your DC, because I'd wager that I work harder at parenting than most.

Maybe if you weren't so OTT on screen time and other things that bring him joy he might want to spend a bit more time at home...

@Tigofigo

how old and why won't read, usually some sort of barrier causes this..

This.

Friends are important at that age but so is family. You should have stuck to your plans.

10 and 7. Probably dyslexic and visual processing disorder.

Of course he wants to be elsewhere your rules are ridiculously OTT.
I wouldn't want to live in your house
You need to chill out more. Screen time is fine. I agree not all day but 1 hour at a weekend and 15 mins during the week.
That's ridiculous. Let your kid be a kid

Im not really seeing the issue tbh? He's 12 he's going to be spending time with other people, his world is opening up. That this other woman is less 'strict' than you is neither here nor there. Unless the environment is unsafe, which doesn't seem to be the case, you are being v U.

If you let him spend so much time in places that have different boundaries to those you want, then what’s the point really of your boundaries?
It sounds like he’s a good age for you to revisit some things.