AIBU to feel rejected by my son?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 12 and a lovely, kind, gentle, easygoing kid. We get along really well. I love our family time together. Lately he’s been hanging out at his friend’s house a lot and is always going on sleepovers there. The friend is a nice kid, but is quite indulged (I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an only child). Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc. The mum is really nice but definitely less strict than me. My son never invites his friends to our house and jumps at any chance to go to his friends’ houses-especially this friend. Plans that start off being at our house seem to always end up at this other kid’s house instead. Today we planned a family pizza movie night and when we arrived to pick DS up, he had just been invited to sleep over and was all excited. I said yes but left feeling a little hurt. I’m happy that he has friends and gets invited to things. I don’t want to guilt trip him, but we had planned to all hang out together tonight. Do I need to let go and accept that this is how it is when kids get closer to their teenage years? Should I talk to him about evening things out and inviting friends here more often?

15 mins is in the week.

That is far too little at his age. No wonder he is going elsewhere.

Can I reassured you about the screen time? I have teen sons aged 19 and 16 and DH works in IT. We have never limited screen time. They did school work, then sports/hobbies, had evening meals with us as a family and we watched films or TV shows together. Their down time was usually spent gaming on headsets with their mates.

Ds is at a top university, got incredible grades at GCSE and A levels, same for Ds2 GCSE wise. They are truly lovely kids. Tech is in our lives, we need to let kids use it but safely. Mine don't have computers or TVs in their rooms, we have a playroom so we can monitor what they are accessing.

Talk to your son, ask him how he feels about the quite frankly ridiculous short time he has on tech and ask him what he would like. Negotiating is a good life skill.

At that age I’d often start the conversation with my kids asking what they thought was fair

They might surprise you.

it’s also necessary for them to find their own limits with screens, junk food etc

my rules about that were: when it’s gone it’s gone, only shop once a week.
Eat whatever you want but don’t come to dinner saying you are not hungry

if I bought a 12 pack of crisps they made sure not to eat all of them and leave non for their siblings

giving a certain amount of self regulation has actually helped them hot be very normal about food/junk food now they are older

This.

Your rules are ridiculously strict. Poor boy, I can totally understand why he's escaping elsewhere at every opportunity.

In your shoes I'd be dramatically changing my approach to parenting. Fast forward two years and I'm guessing you'll barely see him!

Sounds very regimental 😳

And the forced 'family film night' sounds weird. Can your dc opt out or is a requirement like the no gaming until you have your pjs on?

15 minutes?!?

It would almost be kinder to give no screen time at all.

Have no rule sleepovers at yours. Surely during a sleepover you allow unlimited screen time and junk food?!?!

I think two things are going on here. Firstly yes it's entirely natural for friendships to become more important than family as they move to teenagers and secondly yes I'm sure he probably does appreciate the more relaxed atmosphere at his friends.

As they get older it's harder to dictate what they do and where they do it, simply because they are entitled to their own preferences. We live a bit out of town and whilst our house is comfortable, it's not as big or well decorated as many of his richer friends. As DS is an only - like me - I made a huge point when he was younger of making his friends feel welcome and encouraging them to come to our house. Sadly DS prefers being closer to town so we don't have many sleepovers here - as he's 16 can't dictate what he does or doesn't do.

Loosen the reins a little bit on your rules, but also just congratulate yourself on having such a well adjusted DS who seems happy in himself.
I wouldn't make a huge deal about stuff otherwise you'll push him away.

You have a play room for you 19 year old at uni, adult child and their old enough to die at war 16 year old sibling? No computers or tvs in their room at that age? Wow.

No screen time at all would be better than 15 minutes. That would be really frustrating. What can anyone do in that time? How do you enforce it? Shout stop after 15 minutes?

@StinkyWizzleteets yes a "playroom" named when they were 3 and 6. What would you like us to call it? It has now been divided into 2 rooms. So reception rooms 1 and 2? No it's not a dining room or a lounge, we have those too. Actually they are gaming rooms I suppose, just habit that we call it the playroom. They have gaming desktop computers and they each have a 2.5m length desk which facilitated school work and lock down learning. Ds1 is away at uni. We had family in the armed services thanks so understand the sacrifice.

Why would they need a TV in their bedrooms? They have 32 inch TV in their gaming room, plus 2 monitors each for their desktop computers. They have Prime, Netflix log ins. They have another bigger TV in the lounge. Hardly the deprived children you make them out to be.

Dd is 12 approaching 13. I barely see her between her hobbies and her friends. She goes to her dads EOW but is starting to arrange things during that time too which is beginning to cause conflict as he's seeing it as all about his time being missed rather than the normal for parenting at this stage and it's not going well

15 mins???? Wooah!!

Ok OP, it think you sound really lovely. Your DS is clearly loved and you value spending time with him. However, I think given his age you will just need to accept the fact he's going to be getting more independent. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. He sounds like a great kid who loves you very much. He just needs more time hanging out with mates! You need to see less time with you and more independence as evidence you have done a good job raising him this far.

I also think relaxing the rules at home a bit would be a good idea! Maybe say he can have a sleepover one weekend with unlimited game time, no rules on bedtime, and a takeaway or something to enjoy with his friends.

I know the worry with screen time, but if you son is active and leading a fulfilling life, I wouldn't worry about increasing it! My boys are much younger - 10 and 8, and they are both athletes training multiple times a week. Even at their age though, they have quite a bit of screen time!! (Waaaay more than 15mins a day!!)

I would sit down with your ds and say you recognise they're getting older so you want to make some new agreements. Then go over the rules you have at the moment and try to reach a compromise so he feels listened to and respected. Could maybe be instead of 15 mins screen time during the week he can watch 1 hr (which would allow for a full programme or half a movie provided school work is done) and more at the weekend. Or we won't provide loads of junk food because we need to keep our bodies strong and healthy but we will give you x amount of pocket money so you can choose to save it, buy something that will last or buy sweets with it. Then in return you can say you'd like to agree on a family night x times a month where you all do something lovely and each person takes it in turn to choose what you do and its protected time so no booking things over the top of it because family is important. He sounds like a really great kid and very well rounded so I'd imagine it's ok to loosen the strings a little and reward him for doing so well.

If the choice is for him to have a sleepover at his friends house where he can have some time with his friend or a movie night with all his family watching a film together, no wonder he wants to be at his friends house.

He's 12 OP! He wants to be with his friend. Not with you and the family with his friend added on.

The screen time restrictions sound crazy, but actually wanting your son and his friend to hang out with the whole family is utterly bonkers.

If you want him to be at your house, lighten up and let him have time alone with his friend, playing onscreen games, eating whatever and generally having some fun away from the rest of the family.

I don't think there was anything I actively did, I just never made junk food a "treat", it gives too much power to non nutritious foods IMO. If you make sugar off bounds or exclusively treat/reward food your telling children this type of food is special and should be earned/desired, they associate sugar with gratification, its very hard to break that mind set as an adult & can lead to a binge eating. My 7 y/o is a weird one she only likes Popcorn, certain chocolates and will only drink water, she hates jellies/gummies/chewy sweets/lollipops and won't even try fruit juice. But she'll eat any veg or fruit you put in front of her. My 13 y/o will is most types of sweet stuff/drinks but just never seems to want them, her favorite food is cabbage and mash potatoes 😅 & will request that often or a bowl of melon. As a child, I came from a restrictive home and because of that I would of prob gorged myself on junk food if I ever got the chance simply because it would most likely be a while before I got it again, this meant me and my sister always over did it at parties and such as kids. Our house always had loads of fruit and veg but none of this had any appeal over sweets since sweets were a "treat" and fruit was just boring everyday food.

Both mine like to read but I would say I'm the main influence for that, especially for my older 13 y/o. I love to read and have a large personal library she'll borrow from, we'll watch "booktok" together to select our next book, we often read the same thing mostly because she loves to discuss her books and majority of her friends don't like reading. I read fast which always fascinates her lol but I've seen her tale two weeks to finish a 400 page novel to now only taken a couple of days, she typically reads two but sometimes 3 books a week. We just finished "The first to die at the end" she waited month for its release, before that we read Song for Achiles & House of Hollow & the Kingdom of the Wicked trilogy. For her bday yesterday she asked for books and bookshop vouchers. She definitely doesn't read within her age category, she reads alot of YA, fantasy or period drama, she loves Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett also. I don't restrict her reading by age but I do discuss book themes with her. My 7 y/o wants to be like her older sister and likes to join in our little book club she mostly reads dogman but she's recently started Coraline after dd (13) gave her her copy of the book.

Hi all, he’s back home this afternoon. We had a good chat. We told him how we felt and asked him what would make him happier generally re: our rules and more likely to have friends over to ours. We agreed that he won’t have a screen time limit in the week and he can go on screens once his school work is done until dinner time. No limits for play dates/sleepovers. If he invites friends over, we’ll run out and buy them fizzy drinks/junk food/order pizza. We will put AC in his room as all his friends sleep with the AC blasting all night. He already has a gaming area and a mini fridge for drinks plus several beds for friends.

He was happy and said he felt excited and was glad we had this talk. He actually wants limits on his screen time. He doesn’t trust himself to police his own screen time. He’s glad he’s had limits up to now and was happy to say he still has his creativity and imagination as a result. Thanks to those of you who gave helpful advice!

I then heard from another mum that his 12 year old friend has just got a motorbike! 😳. This is the thing-I feel like I can’t rush to drop all boundaries to be the cool parent. My job is to do right by my own kid. I think it’s the right thing to loosen the screen time rules. I won’t be buying him a motorbike just yet though!

I think you’ve done the right thing by talking to your ds. He sounds sensible and you can work together if he feels like he’s having too much screen time. As for the motorbike, is it a real one or a child’s electric scooter? Perhaps they have land to ride the bike. I think 12 is a bit young to ride an adult’s bike on private land, or perhaps it’s a child’s limited speed one, which is probably not such of a big deal. But I think it would be worth talking to the parents about this and safety.

It’s a proper motorbike for riding on the road. My son said, ‘That’s not being a cool parent. That’s being a crazy parent!’ We aren’t in England. It’s illegal here as well though, but this kid is local and a lot of kids ride motorbikes here. There are many deaths. That’s a whole ‘ other subject!

@Flippingnora100 sounds like a really productive conversation between you and your son. He also sounds like a lovely young man with his head screwed on right.

Watching them grow up is terrifying...as I keep pointing out to my lot (2 who left home years ago and are over 6'4", another one at Uni and "The littlest" who went for supper at the pub with his GF this evening)....in my mind I still see them as "my kids" approx age 5 lol.

Taking that leap to trust them and let them go a bit didn't come easy!

I love your DS's comment about the motorbike!

I can imagine. They will always be our babies in our minds. Even when they are much bigger than us! ❤️

Ah ok. I think fourteen is a more sensible age for a 50cc bike on private land.

Wow. I'm so impressed by both you and your son. Well done OP. Imo this is great parenting