AIBU to feel rejected by my son?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 12 and a lovely, kind, gentle, easygoing kid. We get along really well. I love our family time together. Lately he’s been hanging out at his friend’s house a lot and is always going on sleepovers there. The friend is a nice kid, but is quite indulged (I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an only child). Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc. The mum is really nice but definitely less strict than me. My son never invites his friends to our house and jumps at any chance to go to his friends’ houses-especially this friend. Plans that start off being at our house seem to always end up at this other kid’s house instead. Today we planned a family pizza movie night and when we arrived to pick DS up, he had just been invited to sleep over and was all excited. I said yes but left feeling a little hurt. I’m happy that he has friends and gets invited to things. I don’t want to guilt trip him, but we had planned to all hang out together tonight. Do I need to let go and accept that this is how it is when kids get closer to their teenage years? Should I talk to him about evening things out and inviting friends here more often?

This.
Maybe your house rules are a little strict - your son obviously thinks they are. If he’s not adhering to them because he always at his mates’ fun house then you may aswell loosen up a bit as he’s not getting any benefit from your rules as he’s not there living by them! Don’t take it personally, he’s growing up that’s all xx

TDLR

OPs DC is literally living the dream childhood wise and still Pps who are triggered by their own parenting choices, attack her for limiting screen time 😂

OP, your DC’s life sounds beautiful. He must be thriving. Keep up the good work ❤️

SOME kids can set limits, usually girls. Most kids will use screen time to a level that limits other activities if given free range - screens are DESIGNED to be addictive.

15 minutes is really a bit silly. Zero minutes one day and half an hour the next would make a teensy bit of sense. I'm assuming this is gaming time? By the time the game has loaded and they've entered whatever world/server they are waiting to join they will have maybe 10 minutes to play. WHat is the point?

Too much screen time is still bad for kids. Too much screen time is associated with poorer physical and mental health. If they are spending hours per day on the screen, this reduces their opportunity for physical activity.

15 minutes? What’s he supposed to do in 15 minutes? Start a game and not finish it? Watch half a tv programme?

Thats not limiting screen time, it’s basically giving him none, he can’t do anything in 15 minutes.

Don’t worry about people criticising your parenting, @Flippingnora100 .

Things are always more alluring at someone else’s house.

Wish I was allowed just 15 minutes a day honestly! Though I suppose it would make my job a lot harder. Agree op’s son sounds like he has a dream life but YABU for feeling rejected by a 12 year old having fun with friends.

I’d be rejecting you too op 😉 unclench! X

What? Only 15 minutes? Good grief woman ease up! No wonder he wants to go to this friends house. You sound unnecessarily strict.

Those are very strict screen times for a 12 year old. Do you impose them when friends are over, even at the weekend? If so I imagine his friends won't want to come over when they have a better ( to them) option.

He is 12 Op

not 17

assert some authority and restrict all the sleepovers. One every other weekend.

15 minutes sounds a bit harsh, but it sounds like you've got a lovely lifestyle out there where there's no need for children to be glued to screens for hours a day. Increasing the time a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.
It's not personal that he wants to go to his friend's house. He's 12 and the freedom is a novelty.

You seem to have a good handle on boundaries and expectations, so why are you allowing a child to decide if he's sleeping over Vs being at home? I might have got the wrong end of the stick, but you can set limits and say no to sleepovers all the time.

I have DS same age.
One tv programme during the week but ONLY after all homework done, showered and in PJs and all laid out for school next day. No gaming during the week.

Weekends 3 hours of gaming on Saturday (I have control on app So it cuts off after 3 hours). And 2 hours on Sunday but only after showered after rugby, and done homework. Then a film with family on evening.

And thankfully sleepovers aren’t remotely a “thing” in his group of friends.

This

Your restrictions are ludicrous imo BUT if these restrictions are in place during sleepovers too, then it's no wonder your easy going son is choosing to go elsewhere. I expect he's embarrassed but wouldn't dream of upsetting you by telling you.

Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc.

quite simply - I would not want my 12 year old regularly in this environment. So would heavily limit sleepovers

And not a chance I would turn up to collect my son and then just turn around and accept him sleeping over there. That is plain rude for a start

Op 15 mins is too short what would anyone watch in that time?
Unfortunately what such strict boundaries show at age 12 is a lack of trust.

You don't trust your son and of course he will want to "escape" to a free environment!
It's one thing restricting screen times at younger ages but age 12! He would feel hugely embarrassed to invite people back.

Respect and trust is a two way street and if he works hard and is a good student you need to relax with him and have " age appropriate" boundaries.
Otherwise you will simply turn into those "strict" parents who no one can relax around and no one wants to he around.

Remember his friends, some will be getting the exact same grade's, possibly better and yet be allowed loads of freedom. Maybe not basketball hall boy but certainly others and he will start to wonder what the point of these rules are?

I’d have taken him back tonight, you had plans.

@Thelongnights that's not usual though, my sons would sit there all day (and all night) if allowed. My eldest also needed snacks moderating when younger as he puts on weight really easily - he's got the hang of it better now that he's older.

I would rather parent properly and then lift restrictions when they no longer need them.

This is an amazing life. OP - you are not a bad parent for limiting junk food and screen time, quite the opposite. At 12 your son is still very much a kid.
Screen time and technology is always going to be a contentious subject -
I would suggest being less regimented about it. If its a quiet or low energy day then yes, more time playing with tech is ok. Some days it doesn't feature at all.
Trust yourself - you're the parent and you sound like a great one.
Your son is separating from you a little which is of course natural but you need to keep the family ties strong and stable too.
You could suggest that sleepovers need to be an equal amount - split between sleepovers out and sleepovers at home. Maybe one sleepover every fortnight during term and a lot more in the holidays.
I think it's ok to say no to surprise sleepovers too, if it doesn't work for the family.
Kids need sleep and healthy food as well as fun.
You might enjoy reading "Hold on to your kids" by the fantastic Gabor Mate.

Lola

I think doing that would cause massive deep seated resentment.

By 12 our children should know who they are and have formed good habits.
Being exposed to some freedom shouldn't affect a 12 year old.

I would not cut down on sleepovers without op relaxing her rules at home and it sounds like her DC share a room. Nothing wrong with that but unless she is flexible she will drive her son away..

I can't believe at this age she thinks he would want to sit in a super strict controlled environment with someone who seeks to control him.to this degree rather than be free at his friends.

You sound like a good parent, but quite judgemental of your son's friend's parents and what they allow their son to do and have. You don't really know what rules or boundaries they have, only what your son has told you. Also what's with the only child comment? Jealousy is a terrible thing, as is insecurity.
I'd have said no last night to the sleepover as you had plans. But you didn't say no, presumably because your son would have been unhappy, so I think perhaps you don't have the strong boundaries you think you do. Just an idea but you could invite the boy to sleepover at yours more often, maybe his parents are fed up of all the kids hanging out at theirs all the time, but don't want to cut their son off from his friends, especially as he's an only child.