AIBU to feel rejected by my son?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 12 and a lovely, kind, gentle, easygoing kid. We get along really well. I love our family time together. Lately he’s been hanging out at his friend’s house a lot and is always going on sleepovers there. The friend is a nice kid, but is quite indulged (I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an only child). Junk food, sweets, fizzy drinks, no screen time limits, big house, lots of fun stuff eg basketball court, sleepovers all the time with lots of friends etc. The mum is really nice but definitely less strict than me. My son never invites his friends to our house and jumps at any chance to go to his friends’ houses-especially this friend. Plans that start off being at our house seem to always end up at this other kid’s house instead. Today we planned a family pizza movie night and when we arrived to pick DS up, he had just been invited to sleep over and was all excited. I said yes but left feeling a little hurt. I’m happy that he has friends and gets invited to things. I don’t want to guilt trip him, but we had planned to all hang out together tonight. Do I need to let go and accept that this is how it is when kids get closer to their teenage years? Should I talk to him about evening things out and inviting friends here more often?

@Tigofigo

Sorry to intrude, my dd struggled to read etc and it was a slog but we got her going.. unfortunately she won't read as much as her D's but she has now read two thick novels which is a huge milestone for her.

But we had to do it all oirse etc the school was absorbed clue less.

He’s 12, this is normal. This is when they start pushing for independence. It’s not only normal, it’s biologically necessary.

And you have to let it happen, unless you want to end up as the parent of Buster from Arrested Development.

Wait till he’s 16. You’ll never see him.

*ourselves
Absolutely

OP, it has taken me more than 15 minutes to read all of the posts to here. Can you imagine what your son feels when his 15 minutes are up? You can’t do anything from beginning to end in 15 minutes.

we are the other end of your rules. DS has no restrictions on screen or gaming time as long as the jobs in the house he needs to do are done and homework is done and his room is relatively tidy. He can spend a while gaming and chatting to his friends but similarly, he will often come off and just say he’s had enough and switch Netflix on or come and watch a film with me and his dad.

Its the same with food. Nothing is restricted in the house. This works well as he will usually go for fruit and water even though he has free access to chocolate and crisps etc.

He is 14 and self regulates. I think if you restrict too much you are setting yourself up for difficult times ahead.

I have noticed that at secondary school age kids seem to favour the house with less restrictions for sleepovers or just hanging out. It's not personal. For sleepovers we felt we were easy going but we would go in and tell them to go to sleep if they were up too late. This was embarrassing apparently as other parents were more relaxed!! When my oldest was 16 he never wanted friends over as they always went to houses where parents were cool about drinking alcohol!!!

This. He's 12, not 2.

OP, this is the beginning of your ds choosing his own life and what he wants to do. As he progresses into his teens, this builds up, he'll want to spend time with his friends, develop his own society, do sports or travel and eventually leave home.

I was like your ds, our home life was 'rigid' and by 12 I grabbed any chance to be elsewhere, quite simply because it was more fun. More freedoms, new experiences, different foods, etc. It's natural that your ds should want that. I left home at 18 and never went home.

Maybe you need to loosen the leash !

Of course he wants to go to his friend's house whenever possible

He's able to do all the things there that he's not allowed to do at home

You may find if you insist that you alternate sleepovers that he will stop doing them altogether as he will be embarrassed for your screen time restrictions to become known by his peers.

Kids that age can be vicious and will single out any "oddities". I suspect that he makes a million excuses as to why he can't game with his mates or rarely gets back to them on messenger etc rather than admit to your 15 minute rule.

Out of interest, if school work requires working on screens how does that fit into your screen time rules?
Our schools are virtually paperless these days. Everything from source material to text books is now delivered via a screen. And all work is submitted electronically.

This is the worry mint Julia.

It's a type of person who imposes rule's like this and unfortunately it creates an atmosphere and environment.

DH family had strict rules as well , we would both rather spend time in more ramshackle environments when first dating, anywhere except that tightly controlled environment at his home..it was suffocating rules needs to be age appropriate and flexibille.

If the attractions of the other house include basketball court, big house etc, could it just be the space and independence rather than the screen time thing? OP do you hover around him rather than leaving him to it? Does his brother always have to join in with things, whereas the friend being an only child means they can do stuff without siblings tagging along?

Personally I would speak to him and say that he's spending a lot of time on sleepovers and it's important he spends time with his family too, so if you have plans you will be sticking to them. You could also maybe put in a rule that there are no sleepovers without at least a day's notice.

You could also say that it's fair that you host sometimes too, so what kind of things would they like to do? If you've got space for a pool you can surely stick a basketball hoop on an outside wall somewhere if that's what they're into? Ask him what snacks he wants, etc. If it's not all the time then 🤷🏻‍♀️

OK I will definitely consider loosening up on the screen time and talking to my son about giving him more space to make those decisions, without removing all boundaries. Many people who work in tech prefer their kids not to be on screens all the time because they know it’s not great for them and they are playing games designed to be addictive. Too much screen time may also be linked with sleep, weight and mood issues (none of which my son has, but I have noticed that his friends with no boundaries seem to have more of).

I definitely would like more balance and don’t want to be the house where no one wants to go! I had extreme freedom as a kid to the point of neglect, so perhaps I have over-corrected in an effort to make my son feel cared about and secure, which I know he does. I do think that sometimes correcting problems from one’s own childhood can create different problems, so balance is important.

15 mins during the week…. And yet, you are on the internet at 3:30am?

I’m on a different time zone. And it’s the weekend. I’m definitely on my phone way more than 15 mins a day though-point taken. However, I am running a business and dealing with all my family’s logistics, plus other stuff, so I kind of need to be.

Because it's completely impossible to relax or have fun without screens🙄🙄

Screen time is outside of school work (mostly all on screens) and time watching tv/movies as a family.

But how can your son have any kind of social life or play video games with his friends or siblings if he's only allowed to use a screen for 15 minutes a day?

Do you really not see how isolating that must be for him?

OP, I was suffocated with rules as a child. My childhood was miserable and I spent as much time away from the house as a I could. That was 80s. I went off the rails a bit as I rebelled. I vowed to do it better for my kids. I hear what you are saying about making your son feel safe and secure. It’s hard to find a good balance but I do think you need to talk to him and give him some space. Trust him basically.

You’re sounding as if you’ve not control over what happens. He’s 12, not 15, or 16
The other family probably think you enjoy him being out of the house so much.

I think it’s very important to spend time as a family too. It shouldn’t just be about friends.

Good post op, why not start to include him! Make him feel grown up and in control?
Ask him what he would like to change and discuss it and let him have a say.

Your son is totally different to you and as you said he does feel loved and it sounds like he has a wonderful childhood.

Parents must be flexible and remember our children do not belong to us and one day they are well within their rights to never bother with us.
Good luck op!!

Also.. obviously depending on ££ but instead of a pizza night at home can you afford to go out anywhere on some family nights in??

I don’t know why you keep equating more than 15 minutes with being on a screen all the time! Those are two opposite scenarios and there is a whole load of room in the middle.

At 12 they develop friendships with the use of screens, whatsapping classmates in the evening, posting on Instagram etc, having things in common from playing the same games or watching the same tv show and by allowing only 15 mins you are really stunting that.

It’s also a counter productive rule anyway since you know he is on screens elsewhere.

You had to have a dig at only children thrown in the mix? 🙄

Of course kids of that age will rather spend time where there are less rules and good junk food!

You sound like a decent parent, OP. When your son is a bit older he will appreciate that your 'strictness' was actually care. In the meantime I wouldn't let him decamp to his friend's house whenever he wants. You can insist they meet up at yours sometimes.

When I was 12 (decades ago), ‘hanging out’ with parents just wasn’t a thing. They did their thing and we did ours. It’s totally normal OP.