Sick to death of hearing about people's cancer

[MiserableCow2022]

I've name changed for this one because I'm pretty sure I'm going to get massive abuse for it but I'm a regular poster.
What the title says, I am sick to death of everybody and their brothers cancer or other appalling disease being postered up in every magazine and newspaper all of the time with week by week progress of their dying. This morning headline news was another "celeb" and her cancer.
I feel sorry for her, I'm not a monster but that's for her and her family to deal with it isn't headline news.
I've had a terrible sad life with lots of abuse and illness and I've lost no less than 9 lovely people who were very close to me over the last three years so I've had loads of grief too on top of my own health problems which I choose not to broadcast to the nation or go on about on mumsnet or facebook.
Isn't life just shit enough for everyone now without reading about people's terminal illnesses every single day - it's enough to make you want to just end it all.
I don't find people like bowelbabe inspiring, she is gone and her children are motherless and we all had to watch her dying and shrinking bit by bit, nor do I find Sarah Beany's bald head refreshing or inspiring.
I just wish they could just keep it it to themselves and their families.
Everytime I look at the papers I think it's going to be me next.
When I grew up people with a terminal illness just got on with it and retreated into the bosom of their families to die and I wish they would do that now. That is certainly what I am going to do.
People will be informed of my terminal decline only after I've gone. I have no intention of rubbing their noses in it everyday.
I want to die with dignity away from the public gaze and not drag anyone else down with me.
I think part of the reason people do the public thing is because they are terrified of dying and can't accept it and going public distracts them.
AIBU?

@Ingrainedagainstthegrain what about that childs dignity and rights to privacy?

Olivia Newton John was inspirational in the way she handled it over 30 years. She didn’t wallow, she stayed positive and found ways of turning a negative into a positive, particularly by founding and raising tens of millions for her cancer research and wellness centre, which she was heavily involved with. We never got the “pity me” photos in the media - she kept out of the limelight during her treatments and until she was well again.

When I received my diagnosis I felt deeply ashamed of my body I hid away from the world and felt guilty about the effect that my illness would have on others. Luckily I found that there were others that had shared their story to help others .
I listened to Deborah James along with Rachel Bland and Lauren Mahon on you, me and the big 'C' who spoke about their illnesses in all its shitty 'glory'. Slowly overtime I learnt that I didn't need to hide away that I wasn't just on a fast track to death and living well with cancer was possible.
I don't see myself as a warrior,a fighter or resilient or any of the other of the labels that get tossed our way but I'm not going to live in silence because it makes others feel awkward if my speaking up helps then I'll keep on talking

It's well known fact that if all cancer sufferers just stayed positive and didn't 'wallow' they would be fine.

But why should anyone feel the need to adopt a ‘mustn’t wallow’ and ‘staying out of the public view while visibly ill’ if they don’t want to? If I were dealing with a serious illness, the last thing that would benefit me is behaving according someone else’s idea of ‘staying positive’ and ‘turning a negative into a positive’. It sounds as if you want people to tidy away the unpalatable side of dealing with a bad diagnosis.

Indeed. While ‘bravely battling’, obviously.

this resonates with me

Yes, triggering is a good way to put it.

I feel the same way about miscarriage. It's something that women shouldn't be ashamed of or have to hide. And yet, I bloody detest being blindsided by it in films and TV series.

How disgusting

Children have their pictures etc on social media all the time. It's a big thing to you if they look a bit different but really there is nothing shameful or embarrassing that should be hidden away any more than the average child (if you disagree with children on sm as standard that isn't the issue). Their parents do not see what you see. They see what is still there-a beautiful child. Everything I said about why they need to share their journey stands but if you're too self absorbed and lacking in empathy to respect why they might need/wish to do that, it's your life. I personally don't have time to waste on you.

@MothralovesGojira

There are plenty of celebs who do deal with it all quietly (Andy Taylor for one) and I can only applaud them.

Olivia Newton John didn't want people to know - she didn't even tell her own daughter! Unfortunately, a member of staff at the hospital leaked it to the media and ONJ was given an ultimatum to either make it public herself or the media would report it anyway and she'd have no control over what they reported! She ended up giving a press release and then effectively "disappeared" from public life for the duration of her treatment and early stages of recovery. Even after it was all over the media, she still didn't tell her daughter until quite some time afterwards when she moved back to Australia for convalescence and sent her daughter to a local school, where of course, they knew all about it as it had been all over the media there!

The second time she had it, ONJ managed to keep a lid on it and only her very closest friends/family knew about it. It never got widely known, the media never got hold of the story. Her close friends/family respected her decision for privacy and there were no leaks!

She spent her final 30 years campaigning to help reduce the suffering of other cancer sufferers and putting her money where her mouth was with setting up her own cancer centre in Melbourne (her home town).

Throughout those years, she did numerous interviews etc where she explained why she didn't want to be seen as a "sufferer" or having had a "battle" with cancer - she coined the phrase "thriver" rather than survivor, and explained how she changed her mindset to be grateful for what she had rather than obsess about the unfairness of it all. Hence the song she wrote and released herself - "Why me? Why NOT me?" She spent every day being grateful she was still alive and making the most of what she had, rather than allowing negativity into her mind!

Such a thought provoking thread. I still don't know what I think. Best wishes to the posters with cancer.

Oh yes apparently so. And if they all kept quiet about having cancer, and just pretended they were perfectly well they could avoid offending or “triggering” others. Or perhaps they could just lie and say they have a totally different illness to avoid offence? Oh these pesky people with cancer causing all these problems eh? 🙄

Well I've got breast cancer, stage 4, and I just don't know what to make of this thread.

My own mother died of breast cancer in 1985 & she didn't tell anyone; no-one at work; just one close friend & her brother. It was extremely taboo. I am glad it no longer is. I think if celebrities WANT to take control of the narrative, write & talk about it, & be photographed, more power to them. It's part of the big shift in society to cancer NOT being a dirty, shameful secret and I find that personally, for me, comforting. I wish it had been the same for my mum, and she didn't feel she had to keep it secret for fear of being sacked etc. It must have been intensely lonely for her.

The media outing celebrities is shameful. But those who choose to be private such as Olivia Newton John or David Bowie are not morally superior beings to those who have chosen to be open about their illness, which is very much the subtext of the OP & many PP. What a crazy old-fashioned attitude, one that takes suffering in silence way too far. @Mummbles you've made some great points.

You do not have to read salacious websites/magazines etc that publish stories about celebrities with illnesses if you don't want to, as so many PP have said. I appreciate @MothralovesGojira 's point about accidentally seeing the Sarah Beeney pics when buying something in the supermarket though; I haven't seen them, and I haven't sought them out as yeah I look and feel like shit & don't feel there's much to be gained from seeing her tattooed eyebrows or whatever. But she shouldn't have to hide away if she doesn't want to, and she clearly doesn't.

Personally, I feel quite private about my disease. My close friends and family know the details, but I don't especially feel like sharing it with all and sundry -- apart from on here, which is anonymous, and a great source of support for me. Unfortunately, once you lose your hair, you lose your privacy. People still recoil from you, and don't want to meet your eyes, or chat. At my daughter's school there is no doubt I am Cancer Mum. That's awful, that's lonely.

As for death and dying, we are all going to die. It should not be taboo! We have a very, very odd attitude to death in England specifically, unlike say, Ireland, where open caskets are still a thing etc. I wouldn't choose to go out as publicly as Deborah James for example, photographed until the end at various events, but she wanted to wring every last drop out of life and more power to her. I'm sure there was an element of rubbernecking and grief tourism there, but that doesn't mean she should have stayed home. Yes, she shrunk, yes she looked like she was dying. So fucking what? That's what happens when you die of cancer. NORMALISE THIS. 100% of us will die one day.

Everyone talking about their health anxiety being triggered by coverage of cancer like this — have a word with yourself. Get off the internet. Turn off the TV. I wish that was all I had to worry about!

Spare a thought for those of us actually living this nightmare.

Respect to you and best wishes for your recovery.

I just think we all deal with things differently and there’s no right or wrong way.

I agree with you about all the cancer adverts. Especially the Cancer Research one about ‘fighting cancer’ or something that implied you only died if you didn’t fight hard enough. I’ve had breast cancer. I’m alive because I was lucky- not because I was brave or fought hard!

I personally have huge admiration for bowel babe. There is no way on earth I could have gone out and about in a wheelchair to a public event with all the sympathetic looks/publicity . She raised lots of money too. Maybe she saved some lives as people went to get checked out?

But I do agree that many of us want to deal with cancer/death/grief behind closed doors. Therefore I understand when quite often the first you hear about a celebrity’s cancer is when their death is an announced. We’re all different- there’s no right or wrong.

I think it depends a lot on the individual. If you are in the public eye, most prefer to want to control what information is spread rather than leaks to the press or photos without hair. Sarah Beeny chose to be photographed bald so she didn't have journalists sniffing around and speculating (she's being treated at the same place as a friend in fact).

Yes some do go overboard on the public information but I choose to avoid reading such magazines or articles, not sure who this bowel person is?

I am reading this and am trying to survive two types of cancer. I said in another post that sadly these attitudes don’t surprise me.

I agree with you and am wondering why there is such openness about a lack of empathy/distaste towards those with cancer.

How did we get to be such delicate little flowers?
How did our feelings take such precedence over the feelings of cancer sufferers that we expect them to go and die in a bunker knowing that the majority of people would prefer not to know them...

My dh died very quickly and painfully from undiagnosed colon cancer that had gone into his liver. We married in hospital and I spent my wedding night on 2 chairs pushed together holding his hand and I cried and cried whilst he was asleep.

i am going through the same thing with my mum who also has cancer and caring for her too.

I am beyond devastated, mine and my children’s lives are shattered, my 12 year old dd is suicidal and I’ve developed a heart condition which could end my life.

inam not some some delicate flower who finds cancer distasteful.
im fucking terrified of getting it and leaving my girls alone because they would have to go into care.

I can’t bear to watch cancer adverts, read about cancer or talk about it to anyone because I just feel so panicky. I’m just taken back to that hospital room with the seagulls screaming (hospital bins were right underneath his window) and holding him whilst we both cried with the helplessness of it all.

he died in my arms 2 days later.

im so sorry for all of you going through cancer yourselves. My husband was so scared and brave too. I miss him.

Bless you all, @blackheartsgirl. I wish you all lots of peace and love. You’ve been through so much.

This.

I find a lot of Instagram accounts incredibly uncomfortable nowadays, especially when there is a sick child involved. Post after post of them looking uncomfortable in a hospital bed with every single detail of their illness disclosed in vast detail.

I get that it may be a comfort but I think there’s other ways of getting that comfort than posting photos and dialogue regarding your child when they are at their most vulnerable and have no ability to say no.

I don’t mind adults posting that sort of content as it’s completely their choice.

What I find hard to swallow with it is that it is always white, middle-class people that share their stories. They control the narrative around cancer (and other issues tbh) because they have the time, money, and connections to be able to do that. Lots of people battle through illness quietly in poverty, without media campaigns, and without getting knighted or damehoods - I find it quite jarring to be honest.

I totally see what you are saying.

However, many people who have posted that they (somewhat) agree with the Op or feel similar, do have cancer and/or have lost loved ones as well.

I don’t agree they should hide away, like op feels. But the constant reminders are very difficult for people who are suffering or bereaved. It’s not about prioritising people who haven’t cancers feelings over the feelings of those whose lives have been turned upside down by cancer.

I thought about this nasty little thread yesterday when it was in the news about Jonny Irwin having terminal cancer. No doubt there was posters on here who were rolling their eyes, thinking oh there’s another attention seeker just trying to upset us. I actually said to Dh oh this will piss of the mumsnetters who think cancer should be kept quiet.

I had never heard of Bowelbabe until after my mum died from bowel cancer.
It wasn't a cancer I was particularly aware of and yet had we known all the symptoms maybe my mum would have lived longer 😔