Sick to death of hearing about people's cancer

[MiserableCow2022]

I've name changed for this one because I'm pretty sure I'm going to get massive abuse for it but I'm a regular poster.
What the title says, I am sick to death of everybody and their brothers cancer or other appalling disease being postered up in every magazine and newspaper all of the time with week by week progress of their dying. This morning headline news was another "celeb" and her cancer.
I feel sorry for her, I'm not a monster but that's for her and her family to deal with it isn't headline news.
I've had a terrible sad life with lots of abuse and illness and I've lost no less than 9 lovely people who were very close to me over the last three years so I've had loads of grief too on top of my own health problems which I choose not to broadcast to the nation or go on about on mumsnet or facebook.
Isn't life just shit enough for everyone now without reading about people's terminal illnesses every single day - it's enough to make you want to just end it all.
I don't find people like bowelbabe inspiring, she is gone and her children are motherless and we all had to watch her dying and shrinking bit by bit, nor do I find Sarah Beany's bald head refreshing or inspiring.
I just wish they could just keep it it to themselves and their families.
Everytime I look at the papers I think it's going to be me next.
When I grew up people with a terminal illness just got on with it and retreated into the bosom of their families to die and I wish they would do that now. That is certainly what I am going to do.
People will be informed of my terminal decline only after I've gone. I have no intention of rubbing their noses in it everyday.
I want to die with dignity away from the public gaze and not drag anyone else down with me.
I think part of the reason people do the public thing is because they are terrified of dying and can't accept it and going public distracts them.
AIBU?

Yabu. Greater awareness saves lives.

If you dont like it don't read/listen to it but you don't get to decide for other people.

I find the sentiments expressed in the op abhorrent. No problem with her saying them if she must but equally bowelbabe or whoever we are talking about can say whatever they like without the op trying to whinge them into a compliant silent end of life.

There's no bizarre moral virtue in hiding yourself away to die just in case others find it a bit distasteful. This is yet another form of discrimination and the self absorption/entitlement of the op is mind boggling. No, snowflake, my mother with cancer will write about it and publish all she wants. Thank fuck there are people kind enough to be interested and let her feel heard, just like you wanted to feel heard when you started this thread without giving a toss about anyone with cancer who might be reading it and feel unaccepted and silenced.

It isn’t just about ‘switching off the news’ though. Everywhere you go, there’s gofundme pages and charity walks and head shaving. We get office-wide emails at work telling sad stories and asking for sponsorship, links to gofundme pages all over Facebook, people rattling donation tins in town. It’s not just newspapers/magazines either, there seems to be lots of people with sad causes popping up on breakfast television, radio shows, basically everywhere.

Everyone thinks their cause is the most important one, but it’s lost in a sea of other sad causes. I would rather live in ignorance to be honest and approach problems when I cross them, rather than live in an anxious state of heightened anticipation because it seems like these tragic events are always just around the corner.

But surely you can understand that many people, feel similar (not the same) as the Op and sharing it may be upsetting to some.

I don’t believe that means your mother shouldn’t write about it. But surely she accepts it’s a double edged sword. People feel different ways about it throughout their diagnosis and outcome as do families. So some people may feel like this at certain points and not at others.

I do agree people should feel the need to hide away. But also understand it’s difficult when you are going through it when it’s multiple news stories every single day.

Don’t think there was any need for the snowflake comment though to an op who is clearly struggling.

I think that’s the issue. That it’s everywhere. There is no avoiding it and it can be really upsetting for some.

Exactly, as I said above it was a real struggle to find magazines for a friend with terminal cancer at the same time as Jade Goody. Sometimes it feels like even the light fluffy stuff you turn to for light relief is filled with tales of woe. And these days, those resources tend to be online and so the algorithm means that once you click one story (intentionally or by mistake) you will see ten more.

There are many things in life that we feel and might even express but it doesn't make it morally acceptable. I am lucky enough not to have cancer. I remind myself of that and how precious life is when I see such headlines. I do also feel unease but there are many things that make me feel uneasy that I don't think should be altered or silenced just to suit me. An example being pictures of starving children. I don't expect to be spared from seeing those pictures. As much as I find it upsetting I also have a responsibility to respond with empathy or, if I can't manage that, no response at all.

We can expect others to refrain from hurting us out of malice but trying to create a world where you're not even touched by the misfortunes of others, and even expect them to keep those misfortunes out of your way so you won't have the unease of hearing about them, is incredibly controlling and entitled. It's like telling shielding people that not only should they stay at home, they should also not distress us by telling us about their isolation.

The op was able to display great empathy for herself and none for the people she was describing in rather unpleasant ways. As much as I understand her reaction and feel a sense of fellow feeling about the unease, I find the choices she has made in response to that feeling incredibly self absorbed and entitled. The definition of snowflake. Yet there is a feeling from the tone of her post that she is actually trying to imply that people who don't shut up about their cancer are a bit snowflakey and entitled. The reality is, we can all learn from people who haven't got much time left, whether they are old or young. They don't tend to be whinging for a start.

There’s actually an advert coming up for me on this page about ‘How not to die of cancer’ by Dr Greger 🤦🏻‍♀️. Perfect illustration!

It's an interesting point, and difficult to answer. At the risk of raising your ire, last week I was diagnosed with early stages of leukaemia, of a sort that could turn terminal quite quickly. Must admit I feel that ignoring it's existence is my goto coping strategy (this is first time I've mentioned it to anyone, and wouldn't now if it weren't anonymous). Probably won't stop me dying, but one can but hope. I don't know - pretend it doesn't exist? Possibly not healthy.

Blimey, that must be very upsetting for MNetters who are actually dying of cancer.

And yet you believe because you think one way everyone else should also. That Op and others shouldn’t be allowed to express something because you feel they shouldn’t. Isn’t that self absorbed and entitled? You feel entitled to not see and read a view like the ops? You are expecting not to be touched by something (the ops opinion) you find unpleasant and retaliate by name calling.

The vast majority of people are not expecting to never see anything. But the amount of it can be overwhelming. In the thread there has been examples amid all the places people have been confronted by it. And it’s difficult for some.

Like I said, I don’t agree with the Op that we should go back to hiding death, but I think there could be a better happy medium. I can understand how someone in ops position, being bombarded by certain things ends up feeling at the end of their tether with it.

My mum died last year. not of cancer, though (as I said at the beginning) my aunt did die of cancer. What my mum died of pops up every so often. Not very much so it’s easy to navigate away from. But certain illnesses are not that easy to navigate away from. It’s been an awful year, I can imagine if it was everywhere I looked, I might be feeling pretty angry about it.

Lots of casual ableism on this thread. Lots of people who think the very existence of disabled and sick people is distasteful, and they shouldn't be allowed to be visibly present in their own lives, lest their very existence hurt the feelings of the well.

Remember that scene in The Beach, where Tilda Swindon puts the dying man in a shed outside because his dying is putting a dampener on the party? It's like a whole thread of that.

I am a young person living with cancer. I feel that I have no choice but to keep the information as quiet as possible, because I have young children and my priority has to be controlling the spread of information in case they hear something that they aren't ready to from someone else. It's incredibly lonely, and I cry most days.

Lots of people who think the very existence of disabled and sick people is distasteful, and they shouldn't be allowed to be visibly present in their own lives, lest their very existence hurt the feelings of the well.

Can you quote any of these posts? I'll admit it's a long thread so it's possible I missed some but I really don't think there's anything like that here?

I think we're all expected to be terrified of life these days. Best to turn the TV etc off.

@CandyPiglet That's really awful. When I became ill (but not diagnosed) I quickly realised that most people don't want to know if you're not well, and in some cases effectively ghosted me. I don't bother telling anyone now, and have no idea how to answer the "how are you" queries. Your comment about it being lonely is so true.

Again, completely agree with Mumbles.

How unbelievably ableist to want people who are suffering to do so silently so that you don't have to hear/think about it! You have the option to turn away, the person living with it doesn't.

And I hate this commonly held attitude of anyone sharing their difficulties online is 'attention-seeking'. So what it they are - maybe they have noone in their life that they can open up to? When people say they never saw it coming after someone committed suicide, or how sad that they felt they couldn't open up, it always enrages me because so often when people do ask for help or talk about their pain, they are met with judgemental responses about how attention-seeking they are being.

There is nothing wrong with not being the one to support when someone is suffering, compassion fatigue is really hard and you deserve to put yourself first. But to try to shame people who are suffering into silence is completely unacceptable.

My work internet browser defaulted to a horrendous clickbaity Microsoft 365 "news" page that was full of stories about cancer (Deborah James featured heavily), murders, violence etc. It took a formal complaint to HR for them to change the central settings so it was not shoved in everyone's faces every time they had to use the internet for work.

I don't mind people talking publicly about their illnesses, but I do mind when I am not given the option to avoid that sort of content. I can do it easily enough in my private life. For me this is self-preservation due to my own family history and associated health anxiety.

You have summed up this thread perfectly. And I am so sorry about what you are going through and that it is so isolating.

But to try to shame people who are suffering into silence is completely unacceptable.

But Hello magazine and Instagram aren’t really therapy are there? There are specific support groups, online forums, friends and family for that. Nobody’s asking anyone to suffer in silence, maybe just to seek that support from the right places.

Who are you to say where people with cancer are allowed to seek support?

Handy tip, don't buy magazines if you don't ike whats in them, and there's no law saying you have to be on instagram.

So now people with cancer can't speak about it unless it's in a therapy context? They don't have free speech where they can talk just because they want to because they're just seeking support?! Did it ever occur to you that everyone speaks to be heard and we don't suggest they save all their words for the therapist?

If that's the state of play, why didn't the op tell her therapist about this instead of staying a thread about it.

Even if they were expressing themselves and finding a response to be of therapeutic value, why would that be 'the wrong place' to speak, exactly? Do you think humans exist in a vacuum? Would you prefer we only heard from other human beings if they confine their remarks to lip gloss and the cost of living? Or is the cost of living too heavy and only suitable for a therapy session too? Where do you draw the line?

Shall we make it de rigor to mention babies in public because some of us can't have children?

Er, no if you read my post you'll see that I do think it op has the right to express her thoughts. Which I find incredibly selfish. Got it?

You have made some really valid points.
It took my smear test results no less than three months to come back. Thankfully, all clear. However I remember reading an article about how a radio DJ has been diagnosed with CC and she put off her smear and it ended up being 5 years between tests and now she has it. I didn't get mine for 5 years due to lockdowns and back log (it was due v early lockdown) and during that same lost three babies (sb and 2 mcs) and I started to really panic about what my poor DH will do without me. I know that's a leap, but I get where you're coming from re too much hearing about illness and death.

That's truly shit Candy. I'm very sorry that you haven't had the real life support you deserve.

I can't speak for OP, but I'll say that I have zero objection to "real" people sharing whatever they want about their health with other "real" people, and have been supportive to friends and family members when they have been ill (as of course is right).

I'm talking about media coverage and social media algorithms I guess. I've posted above about having a family member with cancer at the same time as Jade Goody and the issues that caused us. Similarly, I get a lot of "Local City News Live: Local Dad With Stage 4 Cancer Shares..." something, and it's a terrible story that will be devastating for his family but, well, bad things happening to good people isn't exactly news is it.

Like most people I've been bereaved by cancer, including a parent whose cancer was hereditary. I've only recently tested negative so have spent most of my life expecting to get cancer multiple times from a relatively young age. I don't think cancer or any other illness should be hushed or stigmatized. But what many of us are talking about goes far beyond that.

I'm struggling to express myself here, so I hope you can take my posts in good faith.

Then if she has a right to express it, why the name calling?

Why is it ‘abhorrent’?

Saying ‘someone can say something, but I will name call and bully into silence’ isn’t accepting someone may have a different view from you and should be able to express it.

You can disagree without that. That’s what I was saying. Name calling because you don’t like someone’s opinion, is the same traits you slated the op for having.

Have you got it?