Is this weird - work related - is it cultural?

[cofingalthetime]

So just to start - I'm Irish.
So I work in a office in a small team. Colleagues has been off for 3 weeks. The first week she was off I asked the team leader was she ok, and she said she it was "personal". So of course I respect people's privacy and didn't want to pry and so I didn't ask anything or mention it again. I was in the office with TL and one other girl yesterday. And I just happened to say to the other girl "I hope X is ok, she has been off for a while" and the girl said did I not know, but X's brother had been murdered! I was so shocked, and upset that I didn't know. I asked her had flowers or a card not been sent -and she said no - that not even our Head knew what happened, that the TL hadn't told anyone, and this girl had heard it from a completely different friend of X's. (X is friends with people outside our dept, she's worked there for years).

I said we should organise at least a card from our team, to let her know we were thinking of her. That we should maybe send flowers... that I'd be happy to chip in if the company didn't want to pay (notoriously stingy).

Team leader came back into the office and we both said it to her and she said 'no no' we are not to organise anything like that. Why not I said? And she just said kept saying 'no no'.

THEN, Team leader said she had been in touch with X and had told her she needs to come back to the office as it's been 3 weeks - X had apparently been doing working from home, and some compassionate leave, and some annual leave. X asked to work from home for the time being (she lives a long way - we are doing 3 days in, 2 days wfh) but team leader said no, she has to come back properly. She even said to X that she will arrange for her to work in this horrible little office we have - that has no windows - and she can work in there on her own if she doesnt want to sit in the office with us???? I was gobsmacked. She said she has told X she needs to get signed off by a doctor or come back asap. Fair enough I know - even though managers are allowed to "use discretion" when it comes to working from home and personal circumstances - this manager likes to follow the rules to the letter. More than that though - why can't we send a card? Is that an "English" thing?? I know in Ireland there's no way nothing would have been done by now. I feel so sorry for X that she has had nothing from her work colleagues at all. I mean, am I wrong or?? Feel so bad. Have bought a card and will send it myself if team leader won't let us send a group one.

Nobody ever does a small funeral , a non religious funeral, a quiet funeral. Even if they wanted one. Nobody gets to express their own individual wishes. It is always a massive religious funeral with the priest droning on.
That's not true. My neighbour was taken directly from the morgue to be buried with no religious ceremony and only a couple of people present because those were his wishes.

No funeral goes on for a week either.

I think the discussion of Irish and English attitudes to death is muddying the waters a bit (although it is very interesting). In terms of the OP, the only thing that matters is this woman who has suffered an absolutely awful loss. As far as we can tell, she seems to want this kept private. Her reasons for that are hers, and regardless of what others might think, they should be respected.

Of course, only OP knows her, and as with pretty much all threads on here the individual nuances of each situation/person are key, so it is hard for anyone here to say what this woman wants. But it does seem that she doesn't want the news widely spread at work.

Your most recent posts describing TL put another slant on your situation.

However, do you not agree that it was unfair of you to label English people as 'cold and uncaring'?

NO this isn't true. It may have been true in the first few days, but it's been 3 weeks now, and X's close friend has been telling people what happened. And if she had been asked not to, she obviously wouldn't say anything at all.

Just to say this manager has 'form'. When another colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer, the manager wouldn't tell anyone - she said she was extending her maternity leave (she was on mat leave when she got cancer) - and my friend specifically told her she would prefer if SHE (TL) told people so she (my friend) wouldn't have to.

Well that's a fairly significant drip feed

So a close friend has not decided to send her anything despite she knows about it
yet you who are just a friend and didn’t know about it is now pushing to send something just to make yourself proud because you did something not because you cared about your friend. If you really cared about her in this 3 weeks you’d have texted her and asked ey I’ve not seen you for a while are you ok?

this is not about the woman. It’s about yourself

Wow just wow. This is a toxic place isnt it.

I'm just here for the deletion message.

Just because some of us don’t agree with you and tell you if she wanted you to know she’d have told you by now and you shouldn’t be sending anything ?

I didn't say the funeral goes on for a week.

It definitely does go on for a week.

You're gas

Funerals are a three day event round my way.

Day 1 Rosary
Day 2 Removal
Day 3 Burial

I agree about the attacks on "English culture"
Say that about any other "culture " and you would be hung drawn and quartered!!
We are here and we can read, just in case any :"English haters" haven't noticed 😡

You are a strange one Jane.
You got that bit right at least.

You are not the only one to think the way you do about English people and you won’t be the last.

It seems as though you want to be horrified and you've already convinced yourself that The English are a heartless lot; 'toxic' is a bit much IMO!

I'm nosey enough but I would definitely consider in this situation that maybe she's not feeling up to contact with people and doesn't want acknowledgement or the feeling that people are discussing her. Especially since it seems like she wants to be away from the office.

People not agreeing with you isn't 'toxic '.

I think it is a cultural thing. People act as if there’s something shameful about mentioning a bereavement. When my dad died I went into work and was extremely hurt some people avoided me. I was 18. I think you sound completely normal-but still some people don’t like to talk about dying-and who knows? Maybe the absent colleague has made it known she doesn’t want it acknowledged at work.

Yet woe betide any English person hinting that anyone from another culture might not be very nice 😉

I've been to a lot of funerals here in Ireland and I have yet to see weeping widows turn up in black wedding veils (do you mean mantillas?) at a random funeral.

Jeez OP just feck off! It’s a murder not an everyday death, though I’m guessing it might be a gang related one as that’s more common over here in England. Even if it’s not a gang related death then murder is relatively rare over here. You won’t make friends here making blanket statements about all Brits being uncaring!

Ireland is a much smaller country with fewer people living there than in England/UK. I’ve been in Ireland to Irish funerals and they’re nice with the support for the family but it can be a bit overwhelming if you’re not Irish. I was touched eg when my step grandmother sent a Mass card when my dad died suddenly at 50. And did the same when my grandparents (mum’s parents) both died.

my close work colleague’s DM died recently and she had to go home (Eastern European country) for the funeral. I sent her a brief teams message and we went for a coffee when she returned (not about this!) where she told me her DM had been sick with cancer and we had a nice chat. I left it up to my bosses to sort out a card/flowers for her.

she also told me that one of our colleagues was off having an operation for cancer which luckily is curable but she’d asked me and a colleague for donations for flowers until our bosses said they were sorting this out.

to the person saying about English people and foreigners - well, I work in a large global organisation and all 4-5 of my closest colleagues are from around the world and similar with my team of 80 people! We swap stories of life overseas and bring back food (cake/biscuits/sweets) from abroad. No snobbishness or unfriendliness here from us towards foreigners!