To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

I was a fat kid and tbh I don't think what your Dd said was wrong in context .

I'd be telling the school she won't be doing any punishment but that you're happy to be involved with any mediation between her and her BULLY.

Outrageous. Your poor DD. Bullies are still getting away with such horrible behaviour.

I'd have kept a record of EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that was made about her height and booked a meeting with the head every week to raise awareness and ask 'what are you doing about it?', plus complained to the Board of Govenor's every week too. By now, I'd probably be hanging round the school gates waiting for the bullies' parents to rock up and discuss it with them EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS. (Yes, I'm one of those people) Height shaming is NO different to fat shaming. Derogatory comments, no matter on what physical feature, are derogatory. As another poster said you have to be that 'squeaky wheel' unfortunately.

I hope you are able to get the school to improve their bullying policy and your DD is ok. Good luck and let us know how things go.

YANBU

Bullies do not play fair and are not reasonable. So having a conversation saying "it's not nice you calling me short" is not a language the bully will understand.

The language the bully deals in is nastiness. So you have to give some nastiness back.

Out of context calling the bully fat was not nice, however your daughter bit back and she was right to and I would encourage this again and again!

It seems it got to the bully which is a result.

I was bullied for a different reason and never said boo to a goose. How old is your dc? In my mind I’d like to say: ‘The next time anyone tries to pat me I’ll bite their fucking hand. I’m not a dog but if you’re going to treat me like one, I’ll act like it.’

Sorry I selected YABU by mistake.

YAVMNBU. The bully-girl got what she deserved and like all bullies, she showed that she's a coward at heart.

The school are wrong to punish your daughter so harshly for one episode and let multiple equivalent episodes from the bully-girl go unnoticed.

Withdraw your two daughters from the school and make it very clear why you have done so.

I'd definitely complain.

And also teach dd to respond with a comment such as

"I may be petite - but I'd rather that than the opposite" with a pointed look in her direction.

(Don't but it would be brilliant!)

I also hate comments about size and appearance but it's totally wrong when they treat certain protected characteristics and certain comments as worse than others.

There's no hierarchy. She's bullied your DD for 2 years.

Simple email....

Dear HT,

Further to the incident on X date where this happened xxxxxxxx.

I accept that DD comments were unacceptable and she has a punishment as stated in your bullying policy "quote......".

I would like a response in 5 working days informing me of the punishment X pupil will receive for bullying DD under the same policy for 2 years.

If I do have an acceptable reply within this timescale I will be withdrawing DD from the school and informing the ISI inspectors of the reason why.

Thankyou for your co operation

Xxxxxx

Hell would freeze over before my dd did this punishment or any other punishment. I’d take her out of school for the week if necessary. You should just tell the head it isn’t happening. Stand up for your dd. My dd is at private school and I would be appalled if they prioritised money over welfare and safeguarding. I know they don’t for a fact. This one sounds abysmal.

Please ask what message this is sending to your dd’s bully and how is he going to tackle the girl’s behaviour now to ensure that your dd is protected rather than having to take matters into her own hands.

YANBU at all.

This is my experience of private schools, too where larger families get away with all sorts.

I would vote with your feet. Your daughter was sticking up for herself!

Never let anyone bully your child and never let your child bully anyone. I was given this good piece of advice by a friend.

Another friend's child was being bullied by a horrific nasty bully at our old school and my friend told her DS to stand up to him at all costs. The bully then went home to his mommy and cried and she went up to the school about it. My friend was also invited up and she ripped into this other mum and refused to back down saying every time her DS came at hers, hers had permission to defend himself both verbally and physically. All age 8, nice! My friend told me that the only way to make a bully stop was to get the parents to get their bully to stay away from the other. It worked. The other mum told her precious DC (the bully) to stay away from nasty other boy.

Mine have been bullied a few times in their school days. I very rarely email my school about anything. I am the opposite to helicopter parent. However, on the 3 occasions mine have been bullied, I have asked the school to deal with it, they didn't and on the 3rd ask, I went nuclear and miraculously it was instantly dealt with.

One mum had it in for my 10 year old when he decided he wanted to expand his friendships beyond just her DC. She sent 2 emails a week about my DS for 2 years. His form teacher told me this. He spitefully made all kinds of stuff up about my DC. The school constantly pulled him out of class to investigate her latest accusations. In the end I went to my DC's friends parents, they spoke to their DC and I got the whole story. I then went to the school and met with 3 of the senior leadership and told them in no uncertain terms that they had breached my DS's human rights and if I heard one more peep out of this DC and his parent, I would be seeing legal advice for harassment against my DS. Since then I have not heard one thing about it.

Go your daughter for saying something back at last!! She's got an inner voice that is starting to get louder and fight back - I would be rewarding her!

I used to be relentlessly teased for being a nerd/ geek/ goody goody etc. I used to be so shy and self conscious, it stung every time. But I just got on with it, saved the tears for when I was alone. I remember I once got the courage to say back "at least I'm not stupid, like you". Followed by crying from the bully girl, all other girls in class fawning over her, saying how horrible I am.
I never did it again.
I can't imagine if on top of that I was punished by the school / teacher.

I'm confident (on the outside) now, but still a shy and unliked girl on the inside. You sound like an awesome mum, build her up now. It's good she shares things with you, I kept it all to myself.

As another shorty, I really hope that the head teacher listens and acts positively.
I never had one particular person target me through school, it was much more general than that (and continued into adulthood at work). But at best it was really tedious.
Had it been one person repeatedly using it to wind me up, it would have been much worse.

Same. I dont usually agree with name calling or tit for tat however in that instance I think your DH is right and it seems its the only thing that will get this girl to see what she is doing is hurtful. She clearly needs it explained on that sort of basic primative level. I would tell the school my DD isn't to be punished, its because the school has done nothing and their quick punishment of DD only highlights how discriminative they are themselves with their application of policy/approach on bullying and if this isn't resolved now I will pull both kids and be honest if anyone asks me about whether I recommend the school.

This almost sounds hypothetical. It’s such a neat moral dilemma.

It’s really useful that you had bought this bullying to the attention of the school so often and so clearly.
Id want the punishment for your daughter completely cancelled. The school is in the wrong

That was a boy at my kids school who was a bully and would occasionally have physically violent outbursts which resulted in the police being called ( happened twice.) It was a private school and the boy was never expelled and actually won prizes at the leavers assembly. It was a private school and his parents were alumni and they donated a whole new classroom and it’s contents. No one could convince me that their donation didn’t influence the way the school dealt with the boys behaviour.

Luckily he was in a different year to my kids.

Vote with your feet! The bully spoke the truth, your daughter spoke the truth and the bully didn’t like it when the truth hurt…

I would demand a copy of the school’s behaviour policy, (they are obliged to have one). If they are not following the policy complain.
If that gets you nowhere complain to the governors.
Finally, complain to the Independent Schools Inspectorate, (independent schools’ OFSTED). They are very fierce!

Good luck with your meeting OP.

I don't say this often but I also think you should consider moving your children. I was bullied relentlessly by another girl in private school, they made the bully apologise and then it went back to how it was after a couple of weeks. I was physically bullied (my arm sprained, and I had a chair thrown at me) as well as being followed home more than once, as well as the constant verbal abuse. I was also short plus i had red hair and glasses so an easy target. I was an only child but my bully had a sister in the school. Looking back I suspect this played into it tbh.

Private schools do turn a blind eye to poor behaviour. My DS has a child in his class who was expelled from elsewhere for something quite serious. He is now doing the same thing at this school. His behaviour is terrible. He came after my DS last week and I've told him that I will be straight up there if he does it again. They only do something about poor behaviour when it gets so bad they think it is going to affect their reputation.

She shouldn't be punished at all IMO and I'm on the side of your DH and would have told my daughter to say exactly the same. It's literally the only way to deal with bullies. If it was my daughter I'd be praising her for finally standing up for herself.

I would demand a copy of the school’s behaviour policy, (they are obliged to have one). If they are not following the policy complain.

Yes to this. I think one of the reasons why I got listen to was because I went through the bullying policy and I quoted the points and how they were not following their own policies and procedures. This seems to make them panic and do something about it.

Well done to your DD

Tell them every single time she mentions my daughters height my daughter will mention her width. Ask them if they'd accept that.

Shame on that school protecting a bully like that. I'd be raging with that teacher

I'd be furious. Your daughter has been bullied for years. I don't blame her for sticking up for herself - if the school ad done their job in the first place she would never had have to have said that!

Sorry to hear this. It seems unfair that she's been punished for retaliating after so long. As a minimum, they should both get the same punishment. Hope you have a great weekend.

The OP said she has spoken to her daughter and she doesn’t want to move . So the child gets punished for standing up for herself then has to change schools against her wishes 🤫