To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

I know and I feel like a prize twat for thinking less wealthy children (ie us) are treated equally.

We went through something similar, although the child cracked after a couple of months with some encouragement for things to say back.

school didn’t give a rats arse until I went on sm and slammed the school for their complete disregard of anti bullying.

The punishment was stopped.

And every single incident email was sent to the various heads, teacher, child protection and anyone else I could think of. Once the perpetrator started getting into trouble they moved onto someone else.

Good for your daughter. Punishing her is completely unfair and I'd fight it to the end. I'd also tell my daughter to not get caught next time. Sounds like that child needs a taste of her own medicine.

I’ll tell her I understand why she did that and whilst school do have to punish her I don’t agree with them and have raised how unfair it is. I want her to know I have her back

WTF?

The school doesn't have to punish her.
They were fine with not punishing the other girl - for two fucking years.
Please don't give this damaging message to your DD.
All she did was finally stick up for herself, because no adult would. Good for her.

But why do the school have to punish your daughter and not the other girl ? I’m absolutely with your daughter. My son is short and when in Year 9 he was picked on by another lad. One day my son snapped back “at least I’m not fat and ugly like you” that was the last comment that lad ever said to my son.

Absolutely not. I would not be having this. I would be going in guns blazing. Yes, what your dd said wasn’t very nice but she’s been consistently bullied for 2 years- she’s human and bound to snap, even an adult would find it hard not to throw an insult back. I would not punish her at all for it.

I would say that if they’re going to punish her in that way then I won’t be sending her to school for that week. I would also demand that the girl in question receive the appropriate punishment.

Some teachers are absolute wet wipes. It’s easier to deal with the softer child that finally snaps than deal with the actual bully.

Well done to your daughter. There’s only so much anyone can take.

We had a similar thing happen with one of our children. A year of another child making comments, we’d asked for if to be dealt with numerous times so school were aware.

Eventually my child snapped. School tried to give detention and isolation to my child so we asked for a meeting with the head. We took in a 2 page document of every incident (times/dates/outcome of conversation with school) that I had been recording from when this all started. I told them it was unacceptable and if necessary I would take it further. The head asked for time to speak to his staff and 24 hours later we were told that detention/isolation was not necessary. They apologised for the ‘miscommunications’ 🤔which resulted in the other child not being dealt with properly and assured us any further incident would be promptly dealt with. In fairness to them it was, but if we hadn’t had the meeting, if wouldn’t have been sorted.

Ask for a meeting, write down any incidents you can remember and who you spoke to about them. If they will not address it, I would be moving her. Your daughter must know that when things are unfair, you will fight her corner.

Enjoy your weekend away, it’s sounds much needed.

I would also ask how comes the other girl doesn’t have to learn resilience like you have been told for the past 2 years

Subject to a formal complaints process through the school - yes.

Not that this would be my goal - simply ammunition to make the Head pay attention.

I'd fight her corner, and I'd tell her she had my permission to say the same thing every time this girl says nasty things about her height. And I'd tell the head that as well!

You need dates and emails etc of what has happened before, and go in and ask for an explanation of why this girl has been allowed to bully your child for two years, and the one time your child actually responds they come down like a tonne of bricks

I would be thinking strongly about moving. It's clearly a school which favours certain pupils based on their parents financial status

I suspect the bully won't be making anymore comments from now on.

They will because their comments are always unpunished and tolerated, but the DD is being punished for her one lash back in self defence. Any punishment will embolden the bully further. The fact the school has not only chosen to punish the DD but picked a severe punishment means they are now bullying the DD imho.

I was bullied for being short. My first day at a secondary school, coming into the lobby from the bus with a bus load of fellow students, I was publicly humiliated by a teacher who came up to me and loudly insisted I must have got on the wrong bus and tried to escort me to the primary school across the road. (No uniforms at these schools). I refused and said no and then got hauled off to the school office to prove I was at the right school.

Well, I never lived that down. I was the shortest person in the entire school the two years I was there. I was called midget, shrimp, chihuahua bitch. Every PE not only was I not picked for a team but the kids argued over who “had” to take me on their team because I was a ‘useless baby’. Bullies shut me in my school locker and locked me in it. It was hours before I was found and let out. There were constant comments about, oh it’s so funny how your feet don’t reach the floor when you sit in a chair or how’s the weather down there. Girls would sniff at my clothes because I was too small for any of the more mature clothing for preteen/teen girls- I was stuck in clothing designed for much younger girls. Secondary school also brought in disturbing sexual harassment from the boys like “you’re the perfect height for a BJ” ‘your hands are so tiny, I bet my cock would look massive in them”

No one being bullied for being short should be told they “lack resilience”
I was so happy to get out of that school and at the next one, I was not bullied.

Well done to your daughter 👏 there's only so much crap one person can take, the other girl should have been punished 2 years ago.
I'd be asking the school for a written statement on the difference between height shaming and fat shaming so that you can fully understand why she is being punished and the other girl not, and that no punishment should be put in place until you've received this as you believe your child is being discriminated against for being from a less wealthy family.
Mention speaking to the inspectors about the bullying policy. Make them shit themselves and maybe next time you complain about your dd being bullied they'll take you seriously.

You certainly are not being unreasonable. The bully should have been dealt with and stopped, by the school, a long time ago. It serves the bully kid right, and perhaps now she might understand how much it hurts to be on the receiving end (the fatso). Your daughter didn't deserve to have been punished at all.

I would have words with the head and insist that the other girl is punished with a week's worth of no-breaks for every single time she has bullied your daughter about her height.
And i would ask them to revise their punishment on account of your daughter trying to do what they have failed at: stopping the bullying
And email every single time, with cc to the governors if it happens again. Outline the previous contacts with school/teachers about this and how it is bullying which the school obviously condones because this is the 2nd year of it.

Unfortunately, if you escalate your best option is for your DD to change schools.

What I mean is, in principle, schools should always call out name calling even in retaliation, if they don’t they basically condone bullying in certain terms. It’s unfair AF but they have no choice. What I’m calling out is that the other girl was unpunished for 2 years. Other than the odd ‘be kind Annabelle’. So their principles should apply but to ALL kids.

Good for your daughter that was brave. What's good for the goose...

I think absolutely the school should have treated the other girl the same way, particularly given that they know she has been picking on your daughter about her size for such a long time. I'd suggest checking whether they have a bullying and discipline policy and asking for a meeting with the head and the teacher at which the sole agenda item will be how they are going to enforce their own policies and in particular how they are going to ensure your child is no longer the subject of bullying of this or any other type. Put it to them as being a constructive rather than a blame-laying exercise, and say that you want to come out of it with a full picture of their plans for keeping her safe.

If they won't play ball, it might not hurt to suggest that you will be raising this with ISI.

tbh a missed break would be enough as a punishment. One. Not a week's worth.

Can you frame it that it disproportionate, and the number of times your daughter has been let down by the teachers are mitigating circumstances.

You could also ask them how they would like your DD to act if it happens again.

I would be furious.

So both girls made shitty comments about the physical appearance of another person but only one is being punished?

Punished because she burst into tears?
So dds tears at home and fear of school don't count?

I would go and see the class teacher. Make it very clear it is both punished or neither.
If teacher is not in agreement, go to the head.
And threaten to write a letter to the inspectors about the level of low level bullying in the school which is allowed to slide because of money.

The definition of bullying is something like - repeated unwelcome actions from another. This is bullying from the other girl to your dd. The school is breaking its safeguarding responsibilities to your dd. tell the headthat you will be putting all that in a letter unless

1. both girls punished or neither
2. eveyr single time the other girl makes a comment she is pulle dup on it and gets a consequence.

Do they have a parent portal on their website for parent feedback? If so go on and give them low score.

Well done your DD for standing up for herself! Personally I’d tell her to say the exact same thing each and every time the silly little cow says anything about her height. It’s the only way bully’s learn.

OP, I'm just checking that you can report things to ISI if you want (at any time) - you don't need to just be one of the parents interviewed when they come to inspection. Also though, just because ISI are 'due' it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll turn up very soon, so you may be waiting a long time.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet
What I mean is, in principle, schools should always call out name calling even in retaliation, if they don’t they basically condone bullying in certain terms. It’s unfair AF but they have no choice.

The do have a choice. They don’t have to punish her. Not punishing her isn’t condoning bullying, it’s allowing for self defence.

If you don’t want to remove your daughter, then I’d be coaching her on some comebacks, for example, I might be short, but I’ll grow, you’ll always have a horrible personality, or I can’t help being short, but you can help being a nasty person. Things that bike back, but shouldn’t, and I say shouldn’t, get her into trouble.

Im seein the Head 20 mins before pick up. I’ll be making the points you’ve all suggested - especially asking for the difference between height vs fat shaming. I’m going to say I want them to pull her punishment or give the other girl one to match. I might even just bloody give notice. Poor DD.