To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

I'd refuse to let my daughter take the punishment un;ess / until the same punishment had been handed out and completed dozens of times by the fat kid.

I’m just wondering, do you actually know that the bullies have not been punished? You said, the new teacher is a ball buster and things have been better this term. You wouldn’t have been informed of any punishments dished out to the bully (in a state school at least, not sure about private). So it’s possible, the other girl has been receiving punishments and now this one time it’s your daughter’s turn to get told off for physical insults. Is this definitely the first time your daughter has responded?

That could be the only reason I can think of. Still seems like a harsh punishment… Otherwise, if it really is that one-sided and the bully has been left to it for 2 years, I would indeed point out that as the school encourages resilience, the bully can take this as a learning opportunity and / or remove your child.

Or teach your daughter to get this girl when she’s on her own, then deny deny deny. It’s not ideal, but the world isn’t ideal, and the people who make the rules never stick to them themselves.

I'm in agreement. I would also congratulate them on their empowering of your daughter in standing up for herself! I'm surprised that you kept your children in a school this long where their wellbeing was not being supported.

I would be doing what they ask and write a review on Google: “leadership weak, no bullying policy, focused on incoming fees more than student welfare so tend to prioritise children with multiple siblings,l”

And if you don’t want to do a public review, just say to the Head when you speak to them that this is the feedback you will be giving to the inspectors , regardless of you are one of the chosen ones to be spoken to

My DS was bullied in year 6 by a girl who had previously been his friend. She was very careful at not saying anything to him when there were teachers around so his teacher wouldn’t do anything about it despite knowing what was going on.

Around Easter time the girl purposely said something she knew would upset DS, he snapped and hit her. The deputy head saw it all and shouted at the girl and then took her to his office to shout some more, she was suspended for a day! DSs class teacher was pleased that the girl had been caught in the act and DS wasn’t punished.

The girl never did it again and DAs never hit out at anyone again either.
I completely agree with you that the other girl should be punished as there is no difference between height and fat shaming!

Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated

A very good question.

The thing is, it is possible in most cases to do something about being fat.

You can't change your height though and heightism should be completely unacceptable. I hate all those silly comments about short men syndrome as well.

I would also be annoyed OP. And I'd be reconsidering my decision to give the school my money.

That is outrageous. We have a short DD and her teacher made them line up in height order which upset my DD. Even worse, the kids got to organise the order so were all telling my DD to get to the bottom of the line. My DH said there's no way they would line them up in order of weight, skin colour etc so why don't they see that height order is also not acceptable. We have told staff that she is sensitive about height and they have since been very mindful of it themselves and watching other kids. I would most definitely be raising your issue with the Head. That has gone on for far too long and will impact your DD's confidence. Hopefully they will be worried enough about two kids potentially leaving. Shame the bully is one of 5! It sounds like a toxic place for your kids to remain though it is hard to pull them away from friends.

Pull her out of that school and send her to the 'lovely' one around the corner?

Should have switched as soon as you were able. The environment she is in sounds horrible.

You can make comments to an ISA inspection- and I would be !

I would be kicking merry hell at the school to be honest.

If Emily has to learn resilience, so can Annabelle.

I wouldn’t let them punish your dd and insist something is done

But we all know which one is accepted by society in general and which one is seen as disgusting.
(I'm a fatty by the way)

I had this in school, Im disabled and drag my foot when I walk, I also snapped my foot a year earlier and it wasnt setting right so had to wear special boots (a constant source of bullying).

Boots where against school uniform rules but I litrally had a medical note saying I needed them but one of the popular girls (my biggest bully) would also wear chunky platform high healed fashion boots which she called 'stompers' because when she beat people up she would stomp on their head with them.

The head called me to her office one day and told me that I couldnt wear boots as they where against policy. My mam came in with my medical note and the head said she didnt care 'rules are rules' and my mam pointed out this popular girl wasnt being told she couldnt wear her fashion boots and the head actually said 'well she only little at just over 5 foot so she needs them'.

Yes I'm 5 foot 8 the bully was 'short' but there was nothing wrong with her medically and they where fashion boots bought from the shopping center with silver leather patterns ands studs.

It was utterly bizzare how this head would have 1 rule for some kids and another for others. Oddly the popular kids got away with anything and the underdogs always got punished, I wonder if she had a desperate need to be part of the 'cool gang' after not being popular in her own youth.

My DC is short and I HATE how their classmates pat them on the fucking head grrr.

Any thoughts on what he can say to them when they do this please let me know!

I would have made a formal complaint to the board by now - resilience my ass she is being bullied and the teachers have not done enough.

I would tell them that they can not punish her for something they taught her. They have said they want to empower her to stand up for herself which she had done - and they have given her the message it’s ok at school to make comments about personal appearances as they have not stopped this girl from height shaming her. And I would involve a board member if need be.

YANBU.

I'm assuming there is no other class in the year that bully could be moved to?

Good luck with the head today, OP. The school has handled this terribly and you need to heap demands on them immediately.

Review their anti-bullying policy (usually on their website or school office can email it) and then note the areas where they have failed to support DD in the last two years and play these back to the head. Make sure you tell HT you are quoting their policy and use the word 'bullying' and 'two years' as much as possible.

Tell HT you expect zero tolerance for name calling (which IS bullying - don't let them down-play it). Ask how they plan to keep your daughter safe.

Don't mention the bully by name or make any comments about her or her family - they could use this as a chance to shut down the conversation.

I would ask HT to put their commitment/plan in writing and ensure form teacher and HOY are engaged - I would expect all teachers and TAs to made aware of this so they can jump on it.

If the bully says anything after this then I would go straight to the head again.

If the HT tries to brush this off or fails to act then tell them you will be raising it with the governors/owners and ISI. And of course, you will consider withdrawing DD.

I'd also expect them to withdraw DD's punishment.

Kick HT butt!

I would be tempted to move schools. It's very sad that your daughter thinks she would be bullied wherever she goes but that is definitely not the case. Visit the lovely local state school you mentioned to get a feel for the atmosphere. And talk to them about their bullying policy. Now you have more experience I think you would be able to tell if there was an issue.
My DGS is much smaller than his peers and I can honestly say he has never been bullied about his height at his state primary school. It would never be tolerated and the children are all aware of that..

Do private school have governors?
I’d tell the head your dd will not be doing the punishment. She’s been bullied and harassed for 2 years and nothing has been done. She’s been pushed to the limited and has finally snapped. anyone would.
the bully has not been punished at all, so why should she.

Agree with this. I would be demanding a call to the head.

DD didn't even directly insult the bully. "At least I'm not fat" is a general comment.

Well hopefully the bully will keep her mouth shut next time.

But you daughter knows her weakness now, and yeah- any more height shaming comments your daughter should answer back.

I don’t agree with this. Sometimes leaving a toxic situation and having good boundaries is ‘winning’. Plus your giving these people your cash and your daughter is miserable, I find it slightly mind boggling.

Tell your dd to keep saying the exact same thing every single time this girl mentions her hight. Tell the teacher and the head that is what you have instructed your dd to do.

We have had similar with a child in my dc class. Said child targeted my dc for two years. Endless conversations about disclosing, resilience etc. I said there will come a time when my dc hits back. There is only so much one child can take. They have been so stoic and worry about getting into trouble. But, week before half term, the time came. He was pushed against a wall and the child was trying to pull down my dc pants. He finally snapped and punched child. Now Distraught and worried about getting into trouble. He got a sanction, but it was very mild considering. If the school does not protect the child, the child has to be allowed to protect themselves.

I was/am also short and was shamed about it often in school; sympathy for your daughter. Unfortunately it continued in the work world, it's amazing how many people who would never say something mean about other physical characteristics feel that it's ok to sneer at people for being short.