To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

I’d be so annoyed. They are a shit show.

your DD has a bully who habitually makes negative comments that explicitly refer to her height. She is personally named, there is no doubt they are aimed at her. This is bullying.

the teachers know about the bullying, as it happens in the classroom - they are right there, but they never admonish the bully.

DD makes one generalised comment about size, in response to another personalised insult. The other girl is not named. She decides to take it personally.

the teacher decides to punish your DD but not the instigator.

not logical.

a really shit way to deal with bullying, letting one kid habitually get away with it, but come down really hard on the victim.

Personally I think this is more down to society’s perception that some personal comments are acceptable. Commenting on being tall- no problem, but fat, oh no must do that. As you rightly point out it’s not acceptable whatever the personal comment. If there is one child who is specifically bullying your child then it may be a good option to change schools. However, bullying is rife in many schools and an enormous amount of state schools are very poor at dealing with it too. So it might be worth just dealing with it head on.

No your daughter shouldn’t be punished at all! She has had two years of bullying and the adults in school have not stepped up to support her and nip this in the bud and to protect her self esteem and mental health. She has reacted because she was ‘stuck’ and you know what….that girl should leave her alone now that she has stuck up for herself. Under normal circumstances I would say name calling not at all acceptable. In the instance where a child has genuinely had to put up with this shit for two years then the best life lesson she can learn is that in the absence of ‘fairness’ that she can stick up for herself to try to get a bully to ‘back off’. Why should she have to put up with this shit and how will that have an impact on her in later life if she thinks she has to put up with bullying from others.

I had similar as a child. I had a group of girls make fun a lot. I was a very well behaved, quiet, conscientious child that didn’t want trouble and to do anything wrong. I put up with low level passive aggressive bullying for a few months and dreaded school. Year 7. One of the girls was worse. One day she broke my hair clip accidentally on purpose and laughed. She also then knocked my pencil case on the floor and all the pens came spilling out in the PE changing rooms. I reacted by shoving her quote forcefully out of my space (she was in my space) and telling her to ‘get lost’. She actually bumped her back on a peg and cried. All the girls said I was wrong to push and told me off and went to alert a teacher. I managed to call my Mum so that she could come in to support what I was saying as I knew I would be in trouble. The deputy head actually listened and said whilst they didn’t condone pushing that actually he could see why I had done it and maybe now she would leave me alone??? I had no punishment. She did bloody well leave me alone. I had NO MORE issues with her and I went back to being the same well behaved quiet child that worked hard. To have punished that would have been dreadful as I was very placid and vulnerable to being picked on and I think it’s the same for your daughter, she doesn’t deserve the punishment so long as she wouldn’t treat people like that in a way to bully others or cause intentional upset when unprovoked x

I haven’t read the full thread but obviously agree you are not being unreasonable. Just wanted to add that if the meeting with the Head doesn’t go well you should report to the Chair of Governors. Also I am sure they have an anti bullying policy and it might help to point out where they are not complying with this (point out both to the Head and to the Chair of Governors if you go there). Good luck - I think your daughter is a rockstar!

The gobshite got what she deserved. Your daughter has suffered two years of bullying. If you keep poking the bear it will bite. As far as I'm concerned the school have behaved appallingly and has given said bullying a licence to tease away, when she's given a reaction, she'll turn on the water works. I was bullied mercilessly in primary. It wasn't private but considered pretty posh.

I would have left last year when the school failed to do anything.

Your DD has lashed out because she has learnt that the adults do not do anything to help her. In a way I would be comforted by that because it means that she is still standing up for herself and has not given up and resigned to being bullied forever.

I’m confused. Your daughters comment was a statement, she may perceive it to be better short than fat? She didn’t aim that at the bully, unlike the bullies stepladder jibe personally addressed to her.

I don’t think ‘Emily’ should be punished because the bully took offence to a statement your child believed to be true?

I feel this is so much deeper than your child and the bully. The teachers are just as bad, if not worse..

In all honesty, I'd be giving your daughter a big pat on the back for sticking up for herself. Going to the teacher only helps if they actually do something.

Bullies pick on kids they feel won't stand up for themselves. Regardless of what the school say, I'd be proud of her for choosing herself over the bully.

I would also move her. Life is too short.

I would use the words “height vs weight shaming” when speaking to the head. That’s what it is and there is no difference. I would also save your money and send her to the local school. Use the extra money for extracurricular enhancement. It doesn’t sound like your dd is benefiting from an expensive education.

Absolutely ridiculous!! I feel so sorry for your DD, after 2 years she must have snapped.

I don't know if this has been suggested or whether it's even an option now after your DD's comment (good on her by the way!) but as well as the Headteacher could you possibly speak to the bully's parents?

My DD was having similar issues with name calling from a girl in her class and would come home crying and upset. The school weren't interested, it's just one of those things that little girls do, (pfft) so I spoke directly to this girl's mother (who was actually pretty horrified at her daughter's behaviour.) Things improved and my DD and this girl are actually pretty good friends now.

Hope you get some kind of resolution and enjoy your girly trip!

My DS was relentlessly bullied. School was aware but any sanctions against the bully just upped the attacks (both verbal and physical). One day my DS snapped and punched the bully. I was called into school by the Deputy Head who told me what had happened and he had spoken to my DS. I was told if it happened again then he could not ignore it. My DS was not bullied by that boy again.

Put an official complaint of some sort in. They will have to keep a record of it and how it was dealt with and therefore will be seen I imagine. Plus it might encourage school to actually do something. I wouldn’t be able to help myself and ask what aspects of student appearance are covered in their bullying policy because obviously they see some as more of an issue than others even though you would say your child crying every night seems more impacted than the one that cried once.

Im short too and I hated this girl at school that would always pick me up, comment and run my head. I saw her as an adult and she said “ah you are still really little and cute,” I said similar to your daughter and replied with “ah you are still overweight with a tash”. I realistically know my response is unacceptable (I’m overweight and constantly plucking my tash) but after 7 years of being worn down as a child I couldn’t help myself. Although I’m now worrying as I’m a teacher and teach in the catchment area of her children and don’t fancy seeing her again at parents evening.

I wouldn’t be punishing my dd at all and I would fight the school over her punishment, she has put up with 2 years of teasing and name calling and nothing has been done, if the bully can dish it out then she should be able to handle what others may throw at her!

Yup, the school encourage resilience and they got it, let the school do what they want re punishment and you do what you feel you need with you DD, that's the bit that matters, it doesn't have to be punishment from you tho, talk to her about her values and why she was pushed to go beyond them, I think she did what she had to after a very sustained period of stress and hurt, but you could talk to her about ways of asserting herself against this pest that don't mean compromising on her sense of right and wrong, like alternatives eg you seem so interested in my height X, that's a bit weird, are you ok? Oh this again X, still got nothing interesting to say?

You said you thought she might be bullied elsewhere if she moved, I could be way off here but I think it would do no harm to encourage the sense to stick up for herself if it's starting to show through now for her, she's finding her way and testing/learning what works imho what she did was effective but I get you don't want her to stoop as low as the other girl and compromise her own good self, so maybe there's a middle ground you can help her find?

Oh gosh I’m so sorry you had to ensure all that.

See I had the opposite - I was 5’8” from age 12, and never grew again! But at the time the tall jokes infuriated me. However in late teens it turned into how fantastic to be so tall and lucky me

I really struggle for clothes with DD as her taste is very much skater punk style, baggy jeans and grungy t-shirts. But the problem is she’s in age 6-7 or 7-8 clothes and they only make girly unicorn things and pink tutus 🙄 shopping is a completely and utter nightmare because anything she likes in the ‘teen’ section will fit her friends but never her. We have to go to the boys section for clothes and even then it’s all quite babyish. I had to get her uniform altered for her too as when she got to hear 5 it was a different uniform than before and they didn’t sell her size. I kept the fact I altered it a secret from her as it would just make her feel once again like there’s something wrong with her!

When the teacher told me o did think “FFS DD you could have at least said it when teacher wasn’t in earshot”

Yeah fuck that no way would I allow her to be punished for sticking up to a bully

I am 100% saying this in the meeting 🤣 it’s on 35 mins. My anger has bubbles slowly throughout the day, I don’t envy the Head

No it begins with a vowel. But very interesting that it seems to be a pattern for private schools. I really wish we’d never put them in and just tried for somewhere else or moved earlier. What a waste of money. That’s how I have felt for a while.

Yes. Def ask bluntly what the difference is, and why the threshold is 2 years of consistent abuse for height shaming, and 1 comment for fat shaming.

My dd was tiny in primary school and constantly called titchy witch. She was the ‘Little Fir Tree’ in a Christmas play and sang a song that started ‘all alone’. Some ‘friends’ used to start singing ‘all alone in silence now I stand’ and running away from her laughing.

Other children used to pick her up constantly without asking and would say they didn’t want her in the netball team as she was too short to shoot etc. It was really horrible so I get it. In the end we moved her and she was so much happier.

It sounds like for your dd it is genetic rather than because of an undiagnosed medical condition so this is unlikely to apply to you but dd is now 16 and 5.9. She’s pretty much the tallest girl in her year and children who were so nasty didn’t end up at all tall.

The school have been really unfair towards your DD and probably just empowered the other girl as she now knows what to accuse your DD of to get her in trouble.

Good luck getting it sorted and sending you lots of virtual strength to battle on your DDs behalf.

This is very good advice.

One other thing. I would approach the HT with the position that last year's teacher was all about empowering your DD. Well, that empowerment has paid off. Your DD stood up for herself. Not exactly in the best way possible but as a victim of constant bullying from this other pupil she had had enough and stood up for herself. Is the HT, Teacher etc. now saying that the pupils are not to be empowered to stand up for themselves when they are being bullied??

I'd be taking her out for ice cream to be honest. It's not nice to insult someone's weight, obviously, but your DD clearly knows that and probably wouldn't dream of saying it if that person hadn't spent years slinging her own insults. People in glass houses and all that.

I agree with pulling her from the school TBH because they have shown they will do sweet FA about bullying, so what happens if it escalates or turns physical etc?

However if you can't, could you maybe teach your daughter some replies that might not get her a punishment but might help shut down the Billy's comments? Such as "you're being a bully, that's ugly behaviour," or "you're really boring everyone now" etc.

Absolutely see the head remind him it’s been a problem for years and Tell him you are looking forward to his support going forward with any further issues with this child and you would like the child reprimanded immediately as your daughter was and that your hoping to not have to remove your child from a school due to this. The whole issue has been mismanaged and your child has been treated unfairly. The whole point of private education is your child becoming a confident happy adult she’s not going to achieve this if they don’t sort out there disparity!

I told my DD to slap their hand away and say “Stop that I’m not a dog”. In year 2 they used to fucking pick her up like a dolly. At that point though we had a conversation about physical boundaries and how it’s ok to lash out if someone if crossing your physical boundary. So she kicked one boy in the crotch whilst he picked her up 😂 the Head was the previous Head then who was fantastic and said “Well that’s a hard lesson learned isn’t it James” and told them all to get on with their day. He did tell me at pick up but he was laughing as he did! That was his final year sadly.