To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

How awful and well done you for everything you’ve done. DS was at a private school a couple of years ago and there was a similar incident… but dealt with differently.

One boy said something racist, others jumped in to say it was wrong and racist. DS said, “you can’t say that, it’s racist you fat pig.”

first boy was suspended and my DS got detention. I thought that was reasonable. DS wasn’t thrilled, but understood it was a learning opportunity and he should not have said what he did.

Can you ask to see the school’s bullying policy ? Often private schools don’t have these but should do as state schools are required to.

You need to put a full complaint in writing to the head telling them that your child had been bullied by this child over last 2 years and they have done nothing. Now suddenly she is being punished for 1 comment. If you put it in writing they have to act on it as it will go on their record with the independant school inspectorate and they won’t want that, they have to show they dealt with it. You should ask them why your child has been made to put up with what us an abusive relationship in school in the name of ‘resilience’ and why height shaming is allowed and fat shaming is not. Do not accept this, it is totally wrong and unfair.

Just to add my son had a similar situation, after I complained In writing referring to their own bullying policy I was invited in, they fell over themselves to sort it out, the bully and parents were spoken too ( and subsequently left the school) I was then asked to send a letter in response to thei written response agreeing that the episode had been dealt with to my satisfaction to put on the record which I did.

I do think you daughter has now solved her problem though, I wonder if the girl will be so quick to say anything more given she has just showed how sensitive she is to references to her weight. Hopefully it’s the end of it but I wouldn’t accept the punishment.

Sounds like you handled this really well. Good for you

YANBU and your daughter did nothing wrong.

For years she has dealt with personal remarks about her own body and nothing has been done but she retaliates with one remark about the other girl's body and is given a smack down by the school.

Hell No!

No more putting in verbal complaints, put it all in email and insist replies are via email so you can get a paper trail going.

Include as many details as you can in your emails, when the issue was first raised by your daughter to you and by you or your daughter to the school, prior issues, dates you spoke to teachers, outcomes etc.

Keep the complaint mainly factual but perhaps a brief explanation of the effect on your daughter (reluctance to attend school etc) and if you have explained that to the teachers, also include dates (if you can) as well as the promised outcome and actual outcome.

You are being completely reasonable. Don't feel sorry for the girl being called fat she deserved it

I pulled my daughter out of a private school after years of bullying. I worked there. It was terrible. I know first hand- They are shit! It's absolutely all about the money. We were constantly told by the head when he was showing families around 'they have x children - thats xxxx thousands of pounds per year!' I kept her there to long! Tell them to go fuck themselves! You'll feel amazing. Good luck xx

My son (11 year 6at the time) was bullied by his "best friend" hit, punched, kicked, name calling including "see you next Tuesday". The parents told him to not be friends with my son, and he took it to extremes.
I complained to the school for 7 months. One day I snapped at the head, said my son will break and hit back, I told them not to call me when it happened. It did, he punched the bully in the stomach, my son got punished by not being allowed to go to his year 6 leavers party. He was devastated. The other boys father took him to the party anyway so he didn't miss out.
I made a formal complaint and sent the boys mother a message to say talk to your son.
Nothing was done. The mother told everyone I was a bitch.
My son left the school with anxiety and still has panic attacks over it. He's convinced every friend he makes, will turn on him.
Pull her out, back her up. Good luck

I would have snapped a lot sooner. So it was ok for the girl to comment on DDS appearance for years but she retaliates and she's punished. They're literally saying just put up with it as long as it's not directed at an overweight child in regards to they're weight.

The girl is likely doing it to draw attention from herself. She might get called fat at home by her siblings.

I would move schools as the school has shown that they will not change their behaviour and how much longer will your child be at that school in that class? Teenagers can be even meaner.
can you ask for school to facilitate a mediation meeting for the girls to discuss their feelings in a guided way.
get your daughter to have a note book where she writes everything down as it happens. You can send a letter to the inspection people to let them know about bullying.

YANBU. Let your daughter take her punishment but please praise her. Next time this bully takes aim at her, then raise it that it's okay for this girl to be unkind about your daughter's appearance but when your child finally bites back because she has lost confidence in the adults at school hoping to protect her you punish her.
And tell your daughter that the only thing she did wrong is say it loudly in front of other people.

Well it’s going to hit the bully hard when she enters real life, unshielded by the cotton wool private school is offering her presently.

I think your DD was totally right in saying what she did and my only fault is that it took her 2 years to say it !!!

Let her face the ‘punishment’ in fact reward her greatly for pretending she enjoys it and tell her to Google other words for fat and use them in her daily language (in context and within earshot of the rubenesque girl).

I think I would also enquire as to how you can be chosen to speak to the assessors/inspectors even if you really have no wish too 😉 just to rattle a few bones !!!

both remarks were unkind - but they are children and are still learning how to behave with others who might not like them

it’s the adults who are the issue here - softer/tougher teachers should still all follow an anti-bullying policy and the HT should enforce it.

Ask for a copy to take along to a meeting but sadly I expect the business model of the school probably means they will favour the family which brings them more profit

Exactly this !!
you can contact them at any point (good or bad!) might make them turn up a bit quicker if you are contacting them negatively!

also LEAVE THE GOOGLE REVIEW!!!
do you know how difficult those things are to remove?! It’ll be there forever unless you remove it!

How awful for your DD!!
I would obtain a copy of the school's bullying policy - they should have one!
Follow their procedure to make a formal complaint in writing, mentioning OFSTED whilst you're at it.
From now on follow any incident that occurs in writing. Email is the best as you will have a copy, plus it can't be 'lost!'
Everytime this girl says something nasty to your daughter, send an email. It will act as a diary and if there is an electronic record the school won't be able to brush it under the carpet.
I would also look at speaking to the Governors.

I'm not surprised your daughter finally retaliated. My son was bullied all the way through school as he has Autism. When he finally snapped back the schools (I moved him both during Primary and Secondary) were quick enough to condone him and to want to speak to me!
It feels like it's one rule for one and one for the other. Very unfair and sends the wrong message out to other children.
The bully girl obviously has her own issues and sees your daughter as an easy target to project them on. But that is no excuse.
I would like to think the teacher said to her when she got upset about your daughter's comment, that it's not nice for this to happen and to make you upset (words to that affect) but this is what you do each time you comment on her height.
You're probably right about the school worrying about upsetting the family but again that's another cop out on their behalf. All their students/families should be treated exactly the same, no matter how many children they have at the school.
Good luck with this and I hope by you making a formal complaint they start to deal with it properly.
Do you happen to know the parents of the other child? If so I would attempt to speak to them about the situation. They might not even be aware that their daughter is being a bully. If she has never been punished for it they could be totally in the dark.
If after trying all this and it still carries on (I would write directly to OFSTED and the Local Authority to complain if no action is taken), then I would consider moving your daughter to another school if this is feasible.
Years of bullying will take it's toll and will have an effect on her mental health. The fact she isnt wanting to go to school already shows the affect this is starting to have. I feel for you there, as I know how hard that is.
If it wasn't for the bully, is she generally happy at the school? I would have a chat and see if she really likes it there.
Apologies for my long response but this touches a nerve with me! x

Overweight children also often go through puberty early. So the other girl might get to a certain age and stop growing. They don't reach the height they would have if they weren't overweight and are shorter than average adults.

No don't punish her yourself. She has been punished already by school. School wouldn't punish her for something she did out of school.

Money talks. My grandson was pretty told that he would be the new Head boy the next year. He was really excited about it until one of the pushy posh mums paid for some new playground equipment and lo and behold her son was made head boy. My other grandson didnt even try two years later as he knew he would never be made head boy as the pushy mum had a boy in his class and what do you know more playground equipment and her other boy got to be head boy.

no pretty dont know where that came from

Ha ha ha, hopefully the mean wee chunk will think before she opens her mouth next time.
And good on your daughter.

It may not be 'right' but I think insulting her back is probably the best thing she could've done in this situation. Kids are cruel and victims often stay victims until they stand up for themselves, realistically.

Also I was always tiny at that age, smallest in my year in year 7. I ended up being 5'3 - small side of average. I like being small now. I think tall kids also get bullied too and some people are just cruel and will bully anyone for any reason if they're an easy target. That child got swiftly humbled.

I.have never recovered from being bullied at school and wish I'd fought back more. When it comes to name calling , try to.give as good as you get if there's any one of them eg "Takes one to.know one.,"

Oh FFS they're completely unreasonable, that child absolutely deserved to be insulted, if you dish it out, be prepared to take it.

The school needs to have a formal complaint about why your child has to put up with being bullied for 2 years but when she returns the bully's insults, she gets punished. It's bloody outrageous.

You need to see the school's bullying policy; it doesn't sound as though they are sticking to it (staff may not be up-to-date) or the sanctions not being applied. YANBU to speak to the head, explain the circs and ask for specific details as to how they are going to deal with bully.