Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

@WeepingSomnambulist But me crying isn't me telling him off? Its me losing control. Every time he does something wrong I have to cry or leave him behind?

It was a real, natural response.
He hit you and you didnt hide your reaction. He saw a real response and believed it and knew it wasnt going to change if he carried on. And he changed his behaviour.

Dad left him because he refused to get ready. That was a real, natural consequence and he believed it because it couldnt be changed, dad was gone. So he changed his behaviour... and then you came in and fixed it for him.

You need to not fix it for him. Let him feel those real, natural consequences. Sometimes he'll react by fixing it and sometimes he'll get upset like he did when dad left for swimming. But you need to let it happen. And stick with the consequences.

I agree crying or going without him is not losing control it’s showing him clearly the consequences. It’s how they learn. He’s only 3.

OP, I have a question -

When you try and get him to do things, you say he runs off from room to room. If you walk away and leave him alone, you say he gets distraught. What happens if he runs to another room and you just say “fair enough” and ignore him and go do something else?

I feels to me like the running off is to provoke a response, maybe? If being left alone is what has an impact, would that be a possible strategy?

My eldest had a very very late diagnosis and it’s only looking back I realised how very much I adapted to whatever strategies seemed to work with him from day one. With my others it was totally different. I empathise.

As upsetting as it was to watch your son so upset, and obviously distressing for you, I do believe you should have let your husband carry through on his threat to go without him. He has learnt nothing from this episode other than the fact that if he kicks off he may get his own way. Having said that, it difficult for one person to give another person child care advice as its very difficult to be on the receiving end of criticism, no matter how well meant it is. I hope you will take my comment in the good faith that it is meant, and fingers crossed he has learnt his lesson 🙏

But he does know what he's meant to do and he can snap himself out of it. I find him so confusing

That is the oh shit I've pushed mummy to far realisation.

It doesn't mean there isn't more going on - but it's not confusing it's him clearly understanding he is now very much in the wrong.

A PP suggested starting to parent he as if definitely has ASD - and I think you do need to look at how you communicate with him. There are SEN boards here and they are worth a look.

OP you poor thing. I'm not in the UK so not sure what way things work but have you started the process for assessment and have you been offered any parenting courses. I did one on communication and it was excellent. Speaking to people who know what they are talking about and what you are going through can be absolute life changers and always great chats with other parents so great to swop stories and hear of methods that work. I cannot even compare the behaviour of my NT children at 3 to my ND child at 3. Its another planet.

So surprised with the results of this poll! I only have one 2yr old so maybe I still have lots to learn but IMO YANBU at all!
Yes, I agree that you should follow through on your ultimatums. But the ultimatum- in my mind - was vastly disproportionate to your 3yr olds actions and should not have been used as a threat. He’s 3 years old!
I personally think your husband was being unreasonable to even suggest that as a punishment, let along following through on it! And i agree with others it could well have done lasting damage if you’d seen it out and kept him at home. For what it’s worth - i think you made the right call!

Just to say thanks for all your advice and tough words

And re his ASD. Its not diagnosed but every professional who has come into contact with him (pre school, sen school person, health visitor, speech and language and an ofsted advisor) all told me to go to the GP for a referral so I'm not speculating randomly. He has a real vulnerability - he hugs and kisses total strangers and would happily go home with anyone. He doesn't have a sense of a lot of stuff that comes naturally to others I think

But yeah. I know I've got to teach him how to do things without hitting people or waking the whole house up at 4.30am or refusing to get dressed etc and I'm trying. I really am not that soft. He does respond to me crying and he goes get someone leaving him but me being stern or even cross is laughable to him

Anyway enough enough. I've taken up enough of your time. Thank youuuuuu. It's bloody tough eh.
Xx

My son was like this. He used to struggle to get dressed for school even at the age of five (although he seemed able to dress at the weekends!). He was diagnosed with ASD, but didn't quite seem to fit that. He showed empathy when I hurt my finger, he was very interested in what his little brother was doing, and he showed quite a lot of ability at imagination. I don't know how much ASD diagnosis has progressed in the last 20 years, but in those days all those things were considered outside the realms of children with ASD. Anyway, he is now working as a Support Worker for people with disabilities. So don't give up. It's hard, I know. You're doing better than I did - your son is still with you, whereas mine had to go into care because I was unable to cope, which I why I joined mumsnet. You're doing fantastic.

Sorry your son had to go into care. Presumably when he was older?

I'm pretty sure people can still be autistic and all of those things you mention. I don't know how he got a diagnosis if the criteria would have excluded him. Glad he's doing well now anyway.

I was diagnosed with ASD age 39 and show and experience empathy, have an interest in other people and I have always been cr

Annoyingly my last post was cut off. Anyway I was diagnosed with ASD age 39 and have empathy, imagination and am interested in people. All those stereotypes are why women my age are only being diagnosed now. If you want to know about Autism ask autistic people!