Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

Both of you need to try 1-2-3 Magic IMVHO. Works well with ASD kids as they know precisely what the deal is.

He got a scare and that was lesson enough. If it continues to be an issue then you could reconsider but I wouldn't do this to a 3 year old. And DH needs to learn how to get him ready, what motivates him, how to get him to listen. The book How to Get Little Kids to Listen is great and really accessible

Why couldn't he have just gone to the pool in his PJ's and changed there? I would have done what you did all day every day. He's only 3.

This is really harsh on the DH. It’s like saying any time a parent needs to follow through they haven’t parented effectively.

You made the wrong choice, as you know. You taught your son that he can misbehave then meltdown and mummy will sort it out. You need to claw back from this, apologise to your partner, and teach your son how to behave.

From chatting with friends, I am a real harsh parent. There is no way I’d have done anything different to you, OP. Being 3 with possible ASD requires a little bit more patience from the parent.

Next time they are going swimming if DS doesn’t get ready you can remind him clearly how upset he was when Daddy left without him. And explain Daddy came back because he really wants to take DS swimming but he can’t keep coming back. If DS refuses to get ready or refuses help to get ready again then it will probably be time to follow through.

My son has ASD. Have a little gentle age appropriate chat with him. He obviously doesn’t understand why his daddy left without him. He hasn’t connected his not doing as told with being left behind. He was confused. It’s a good example to him of consequences of not doing as he’s told so make sure he knows that he must be ready to go swimming or he will be left behind. If he is ASD he needs help making sense of the world

I don't think you were wrong. I am normally all for natural consequences but kids with asd do not operate in the same way especially a toddler. I would however b thinking of how this could be better next time. Maybe your child needs to have a social story for getting ready to go out and needs plenty of time to get ready for trip.

What’s done is done. But empty threats are the cause of many naughty kids. It won’t do him any harm to be left behind if he does it again, thing is next time your DH is trying to get him ready there’s no point at all threatening to leave him as he knows daddy will come back. You should have just let him go without him - might be tough but you’ll wish you’d followed through with this kind of thing in the future

While I 100% agree that 3 is a good age to be learning boundaries and how to behave.... I feel more strongly that 3 is still really little and I couldn't and wouldn't listen my boy have a meltdown like never before without rectifying it.

A lot of you sound really mean 😳

I personally would have done the same. I can't bear to see my kids upset like that

I think you were both right. He experienced missing out, but you showed gentleness, effectively forgiving him when he said sorry and your DH coming back. Next week, hurry up, you nearly missed out last time, etc.
It's good that he gets lost in his trains, it's such an imaginative toy and I can understand why he wouldn't pay attention to be called away.

If your son is neurotypical, leaving him behind might (might!) have taught him a valuable lesson. Though probably not, because he's 3. If he was maybe 8 or older, yes.

If your son is neuro divergent (I'm thinking ADHD but ASD also possible) your husband's way of dealing with the situation is not helpful at best, and harmful at worst. Your kid is dealing with a million different stimuli and needs love and support from his parents, not abandonment.

Either way, I'd have asked my husband to come back too. Though in fairness my husband wouldn't have left in the first place.

Would have done and felt the same way as you OP. But parenting is tough. And my partner would have likely behaved like yours… i’m sure your son is ok now anyway but it really is awful for a mum to see her son like that, so i do feel for you x

Regardless of any putative or supposed ASD issues, it's not right to fall into the trap of accomodating the older child (who won't listen or obey the rules then start hysterically wailing because he missed out) at the cost of denying treats or outings to the younger sibling. As they grow older, if not kept in check now, it will become more apparent to to your older son that he has the power to alter the family dynamics by his behaviour and getting his own way, whether or not he later regrets it.
Your younger son will thus be kept in the shadows and start resenting his brother as all your efforts will be on placating the older child which is not a good idea.

Ooh. This made me cry. The thought of a toddler trying to run round and find his swimming stuff and go with daddy etc BUT… as the mother of 3 adult DC, you have to be really firm and stick with your decisions. It’s so so hard and heartbreaking but it’s the only way your DS will learn. Consequences and actions and all that. Even at 3, they will learn. You’re not a bad or weak mum

So, you need to unpick what happened. What went on before this behaviour started and why it ended like it did. No point arguing now over it, however you need a strategy so that it’s less likely to happen again. If there is potential ASD being considered there are thing that might need to be done differently. More structure perhaps. DH being calmer and flexible with what time he leaves (unless swimming is a fixed time). Possibly having some kind of visual board in the house so your son knows he needs to have breakfast then get dressed then play the put toys away then get swimming bag ready then leave the house then go swimming (or whatever order the morning goes like). Stick pictures of each ‘thing’ up in a line on the wall. When each thing has happened it can be taken down. You might find you need to give countdowns to transition between things. “Ok, we have 5 minutes left before we are packing our toys away” then count down (in real minutes or parent countdown minutes), or get a visual sand timer for when you want something to end. Lots of warnings. Always staying calm. Autistic people need to know what’s coming up ahead and have time to process it all. Even if he’s not autistic, this would still help a toddler. Be united as parents though. Stick to any consequences you are wanting to give and don’t threaten anything you won’t follow through. Consequences don’t always work though.

I had a similar issue with my autistic DD when she was younger. Both DDs had a swimming lesson and DD1 had to be left at home with grandparent whilst I took DD2 to her lesson. I followed through and never had to do it again. It wasn’t fair for my DD2 to miss her activity. And I was backed up by all the family. It’s the only time I have ever cancelled an activity due to behaviour as I do have a rule that paid for activities don’t get cancelled because it’s not fair on the leader/teacher who will have planned something. Same with parties or play dates. Not fair on the other child. However this was one occasion where it wouldn’t have been safe to take my DD1 so i sucked up the loss of £ for the activity and the others in the swim groups aren’t really effected if one misses it. My DD1 was much older than 3 though, possibly about 9 years old. Before her ASD diagnosis but whilst we were getting her assessed. Since her diagnosis though, she has been better and we have been calmer in our parenting and now use very different strategies than we would with a NT child. (I have one ND and one NT and do have to slightly differ with managing them).

Hopefully he'll be ready next week.
What is SEN?

That sounds heartbreaking. I think you did the right thing, DH was a little too harsh, he’s only 3 after all.

Your dh is a jerk. Not listening is typical of a 3 year old.

I don't think it really teaches kids anything valuable by leaving them behind when they're struggling tbh. I have memories of being left behind, I couldn't even tell you what I did wrong, so I didn't learn anything. But that devastation of your parents abandoning you hurts far too much for a 3 year old imo.

OP, I know you don't yet have a diagnosis or even know for sure if your DS needs one...but I think sometimes one needs to be careful about the advice given on here. Because people aren't in your situation and sometimes can't even imagine what that situation is like and can be quite judgemental as a result.

All children are individuals. Also, I have both ND and NT children and the parenting techniques that are standard for NTs sometimes simply don't work with my ND child. They just don't. Reward charts never worked for my ND child, for example, they had not a hope of working (they may work well for other ND children of course). Transitions were much harder. Getting dressed was much more of a challenge. Actually listening and focusing and realising what was going on was hugely challenging ( it still often is). And when we learnt the approaches that worked for our DC that really helped. It took time, and trial and error, and there were parenting books that helped too. (Ross Greene and Dan Siegal are two names that come to mind re books.) It still takes time. Everything takes a lot longer.

You and DH know your child best and take what you need from this thread. For what it's worth I am sure you did the right thing.

I think it worked out well - he got to go swimming but also got to experience what it looks like when he doesn't get ready.

I'd have done the same. I'm all for consequences and consider myself reasonably strict, but I could not see my child so devastated at such a young age unless the behaviour truly warranted it.

All children are individuals. Also, I have both ND and NT children and the parenting techniques that are standard for NTs sometimes simply don't work with my ND child. They just don't.

You are right, all children are individuals. I have two boys, I didn't parent them the same even though they are both NT. what worked for one just didn't work for the other. I used the 'count to 3' method with my oldest. I never got to 3. I could count to 3 million for my younger one and he still wouldn't have done as I asked. I had to use other techniques for him.

They are in their early 20s now and as different as chalk & cheese, as they always have been.

Personally, I think a common mistake is that people try to parent all children in the house the same, and when it doesn't work they think there is a reason or that their child is ND, which is not always the case.

OP doesn't know yet if her child has other problems beyond just not responding to the way she is parenting at the moment, all she does know is that it's not working. There's nothing wrong with people offering up suggestions and techniques that might help because one or some of them could turn out to be the holy grail for her. We all know how long it takes to get help and a diagnosis if it's needed, there is no harm in her trying a different way or implementing new strategies whilst she waits for help from the professionals.