Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

488 replies

KidsArt · 04/11/2022 10:14

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

OP posts:
WanderingSouls · 07/11/2022 12:32

I also agree with another poster that undermining your DH is something to be really careful of

While I agree with this generally, I think it becomes a problem where one parent is more authoritarian and their approach becomes the default. I used to have this myself with DH- I'd be dealing with DC in my own way (which tended to be more gentle) then DH would come stomping in grump grump grump handing out punishments, and if I objected he'd say I was undermining him, not appreciating that by stomping into a situation that I was handling he was equally undermining me.

Obviously that wasn't quite how it went for OP- her DH was supposed to be in sole charge while she was working. But equally if he had actually be acting like he was in sole charge he couldn't have left DS behind.

Edam1 · 07/11/2022 12:47

It was unfair of dh to dump a distressed toddler on you when you are working. You need to agree stuff together in advance.
As others have suggested, help ds to practice getting ready for swimming - a week is a long time in a toddler's life, he may have forgotten some of the details by the next session and just remember the panic/distress

Charlene1marie · 07/11/2022 12:49

You are both right in a way, if dh hadn't driven off when ds1 realised he would miss out then dh could easily have waited in the car whilst whilst ds1 quickly got ready all the while explaining that next time he would miss out if he didn't do as he was asked first time. 3 is a hard learning age and we are all still recovering from lock downs and lack of social interactions

Itsalwayshard · 07/11/2022 12:57

My DS has autism and finds the whole situation on changing clothes really hard. Going from 1 texture that he's gotten used to (pj's) to another of clothes. It could be that your DC is becoming overwhelmed by it and that it why he is singing etc. We let our DS now choose what he wants to wear. For swimming he goes in his swim shorts and onesie over the top so it means he's not having to get dressed at home, then again at the swim baths and again afterwards. PEC cards are great too as no words are necessarily needed. My DS needs plenty of time to process aswell so we use sand timers and say once that is up its time to do this. I don't think you did anything wrong with getting DH to come back as your DS had gotten dressed, its a hard balance to know when they are genuinely struggling or playing you up. My DS is 10 now and I still have to weigh it up.

Reluctantadult · 07/11/2022 13:03

@KidsArt i know this is a really long thread now! But for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I think your little one will have learnt as much from this as from missing swimming. Your dh came back for him and they had a nice time, so that will have repaired their relationship instead of damaged. Imo I would take your little one to swimming in his pj's in future, doesn't seem much point in fighting to get him dressed just to get changed to swimmers at the pool! Avoiding what's clearly a flash point. Also I think your dh was disrespectful that you are actually working at home, which I understand was a heat of the moment thing for him. But might be worth a chat about that.

RalphGnu · 07/11/2022 13:13

You're not a terrible or weak parent. Please be kinder to yourself. These moments happen and DS is only three. I promise you haven't ruined him, nor will this have long-lasting effects on his behaviour or development.
I'm glad you asked your DH to come back and I'm glad your DH did come back. You saw your child in unusual distress and acted upon it.

Throwawayaccount1 · 07/11/2022 13:13

Hi @KidsArt this doesn't sound wildly different from what I routinely deal with. DS2 is 7. He is subborn and when tired massively quick to anger - crying screaming, the lot. he can't at that point self manage his own emotions and it spirals. DH has now been banned from coming near when it gets like this as he "just stop, you're ruining the night for everyone etc etc" and he makes it a million times worse because he doesn't get that DS2 can't regulate his extreme emotions. I'm left to cool the situation.
DH would have 100% done the same as yours. I understand why he did. Yes your kid needs to learn but I've come to understand that at that point of beyond upset no learning happens.

He would've been better to have stepped back, asked for your help earlier and let things cool down and not left you with a kid having a meltdown while your were working from home. You were right to have him come back, hopefully it gave him time to cool down from the situation too.

marmb87 · 07/11/2022 14:12

Christ - many a time I have threatened to leave mine to try and get their arses into gear, but reading about a 3 year old trying to put his own pants on whilst crying actually broke my heart 😭

you did the right thing. 3 is very young.

quanglewangle · 07/11/2022 14:40

This sounds so familiar. I think you were right. You reduced the trauma and he can still learn from this.
My ds didn't enjoy these meltdowns any more than I did so I used to remind him what happened that time and then he would get his act together. But I had to remember to remind him at the start of having to get ready.

suzanneinfo · 07/11/2022 15:15

I think DS did learn as he went and got dressed. Maybe just at a different speed. You were right to ask partner to come back as the situation has changed. Next time you can use this as a prompt that getting ready is part of going swimming and one has to happen before the other. Three is very young to expect consistent behaviour for any kid ASD or not. It really does seem that your son did realise and tried to remedy. Tbh is your husband being a bit reactive? He did leave to follow his plans knowing you were working, so did he lose patience? I don't know full situation but am making an assumption that ordinarily would not leave you to deal with this and work as well.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/11/2022 16:15

@KidsArt

What happened this Friday? Did your son get ready in time or listen to his father at all?

Monstersmum3 · 07/11/2022 16:27

So because your DH isn't understanding that his son possibly has ADHD, (Believe me on this, nursery/reception do not sat things like that for fun so there must be cause for concern there) and isn't happy because he was unable to help his 3 year old get ready, he leaves him home!
I'd be furious! 3 year olds don't understand that sort of reaction! And some 3 year olds still need a hand getting ready.
Your DH was totally unreasonable and needs to read up on ADHD. He has possibly caused anxiety to your son behaving like that.
Well done on making him come back for him.

elh1605 · 07/11/2022 17:13

He's 3, why did he need to get dressed if going swimming, couldn't he have gone in pj's and DH get him dressed after.
I think DH over reacted in the heat of the moment and left you to pick up the pieces.
Yes parent's need to follow through but to effectively abandon a 3yr old for not getting dressed is ridulous

adomizo · 07/11/2022 17:23

He's 3. Leaving him distressed when he already seems to struggle with emotions is a complete over reaction by your DH. He's the adult here. You did the right thing you can't hope for any constructive outcome with a 3 year old. A 7 year old maybe.... what is it exactly your DH wants him to be able to do to get ready? At 3.... Need to break this down..stay calm..plan ahead and be firm and consistent. It's not easy but it won't last forever.

Grohlette · 07/11/2022 20:02

Do you know what there’s no instruction book for parenting but I think you all learned a lesson from that episode. Your husband was right to give your son consequences and it will be interesting to see what happens next time. I do think it was unfair of your dh to leave you with a distraught child especially if you’re wfh. I wouldn’t beat yourselves up about it though, a bit of tough love is often needed.

Original poster
KidsArt · 08/11/2022 06:16

I'm done. Honestly its impossible. DS2 woke up crying at 4.30. DS1 then woke up too. Trying to manage both of them. End up getting hit in the face by DS1 who manages to get me right in the eye. I burst into tears. Not being dramatic it really hurt. I didny shut my eye in time and he pokes my eyeball. DH finally gets out of bed to help. DS2 goes back to sleep. DS1 tries to sleep but can't. DH tries to help and take DS1 downstairs so i might be able to go back to sleep but DS1 refuses to go anywhere with DH. Starts shouting again. I give up and take him downstairs at 5.30.

I don't know why I'm posting here. I'm done in. If I could stop the guilt I'd just run away. Every day is impossible. I feel pathetic. Saying "now sleep, next breakfast" all the while my DS is hitting me. If I give a simple instruction he runs away. Nothing fucking works.

Thank you for all your practical advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
KidsArt · 08/11/2022 06:19

You know whats weird. When he hit me and I cried. He stopped instantly. Said "oh no mummy don't be sad" and cuddling me and got straight back into bed (He couldn't then sleep but stil, he did what I'd been trying to make him do). So he can do it. But only it seems when things get bloody awful, like his dad leaves him or I cry (neither of which we went to be doing). But he does know what he's meant to do and he can snap himself out of it. I find him so confusing

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 08/11/2022 06:47

You poor thing. Your little man doesn't mean to hurt you he can't control it. My son was the same. It's hard to believe but it will get easier as he gets older. Try to stay strong x

Alice65 · 08/11/2022 07:23

Poor you, that sounds really upsetting. Have you started the process for autism assessment? Are things okay with your partner now?

Bumzoo · 08/11/2022 08:33

That sounds really shit. I hope you can get some rest today.

With the swimming I would have backed DH, he knew what to do when he realised he missed it, get dressed, towel etc so was just choosing not to when asked.

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/11/2022 08:45

Are you not seeing a pattern yet?

When his "telling off" is actually serious, with no room for messing with, like his dad actually leaving or you actually crying, he does what he is told.
The rest of the time, he doesn't. Because he knows that mum wont actually go through with any consequences or punishment or anything really. You sound like you give him warnings but you dont carry through with them. He doesnt have consequences. But when something happens that is clearly a consequence that you wont undo (dad leaving or you crying) he does as told.

It will be a long process for him to learn that mum now means what she says so you'll have to get through a lot of shouting to start with but maybe after a few weeks of you being tough with the consequences, he will start to believe you and start to do as told.

SchoolNightWine · 08/11/2022 09:20

KidsArt · 08/11/2022 06:19

You know whats weird. When he hit me and I cried. He stopped instantly. Said "oh no mummy don't be sad" and cuddling me and got straight back into bed (He couldn't then sleep but stil, he did what I'd been trying to make him do). So he can do it. But only it seems when things get bloody awful, like his dad leaves him or I cry (neither of which we went to be doing). But he does know what he's meant to do and he can snap himself out of it. I find him so confusing

You maybe don't want to do those things, but you need to be doing them for your sons sake as well as yours. He needs clearer messages and you pussyfooting round (and I mean that in the nicest way as I've done it too), is not giving him the clear instructions he obviously needs.

TheodoreMortlock · 08/11/2022 09:29

You've got two things there: one is that he isn't making the connection between his action and future effect (although it is positive that he makes the connection with the immediate effect - I hit mummy's face and she is crying - now he just needs to grasp "if my future action is to hit mummy's face, it will make her cry").

The other is not doing as he's told when none of you are getting enough sleep. He might not be processing the instruction properly or he might be avoiding it because instructions often mean transitions or a sensory overload. I tried so many things when mine was that age and everything worked for a few days so I did them on rotation! One that worked well was singing the instruction and her singing it back to me. Another is using the first person "get my clothes on" and get him to repeat it.

You might get more advice on the special needs boards:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs

Is he at nursery yet? If so it would be a good idea to start asking about an EHCP (it begins with an EHC needs assessment) so that it is all in place for school. We had lots of help from the early years SEND team and they were absolutely amazing. A needs assessment will also tell you if this is a processing problem, an attention problem, a can't-be-arsed-to-behave problem or something else, which will give you the tools you need to approach it.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/11/2022 09:53

Can you speak to nursery and Hv today or arrange to speak to them and say what you’ve said here that you need advice and concerned re ds1.
I do think what you are saying shows he understands and wishy washy isn’t working he needs firm and clear. It’s not shouting just your voice and no nonsense tone - do not hit mummy.
A lot of what you are saying is just having 2 small children close in age together. Ds2 will wake ds1 and vice versa meaning all of you awake.