Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

You can’t go back and change your decision this time, but personally I think being left behind on this occasion (after numerous warnings) would have taught him a pretty good lesson.

I agree that parents should follow through. Next week will be interesting! But what would dh have done if you weren't there? Bit selfish to make a decision that impacts your working day.

Even at 3, they can start learning. If he wont do what is needed, after being given plenty of time and chances, then he misses out. He needed to learn that lesson.

My son is autistic. Sometimes he misses out on things because he wont cooperate and the rest of the world wont wait for him. That's life. He learned that lesson and his behaviour is a lot more manageable because he understands the natural consequences and even with an autistic child, natural consequences work.

I think the initial scare of thinking he wasn't going is enough for a 3 year old. We do need to follow through on warnings sometimes...but he's very little.

I'd have done the same as you with my ASD child.
They don't always understand the transitions, especially at 3 years old.
Can you create a little social story to show him what has to happen to go swimming?

I agree that parents show follow through to. if he asks for a snack and i say no and he starts kicking off...no way would i give in. Or he tries to not go to bed etc.

But this one was different. When DH and DS1 left the house hand in hand and the door shut on DS1 (he was trying to leave with them still wearing his PJs) - he crumpled to the floor. I mean - it looked like real bloody rejection. He coudl not believe they were going swimming without him

maybe that is even more reason i should have just stuck it out. I feel awful now. i know DS1 needs boundaries and i just didn't know what to do.

I meant when DH and DS2 left hand in hand

So dh punished a toddler because HE couldn't parent him effectively? . What a twat.
Off track but how is he allowed to manage 2 under 5 alone in a pool?

I agree, he could have learnt from this.
My 16 year old has ASD and I never stood up to him because he pushed back like he had an army behind him. Now at 16 I feel like it's unspoken that he does what he wants.

But that was a logical/natural consequence

Children learn from those

you've removed the learning opportunity

Apart from anything else, surely if you're wfh he cant just walk out and leave a distressed kid with you, without prior agreement?

It’s about degrees isn’t it

the punishment was clearly way too much for your child to understand and so wasn’t effective in that situation

I think you did the right thing to assess that and change it

its the kind of abandonment memory that he couod
have remembered forever

your husband sounds like he doesn’t understand nuance

But that was the natural consequence. He refused to get ready so he cant go. It isnt a punishment. It is a natural consequence.

It is really important that children see these consequences consistently during their development. Even a child with SEN can still understand a natural consequence and shouldn't be totally protected from them.

The world will not protect him from those. He has to fit into life and that is much harder if you dont let him see that his behaviour has a direct impact on what he gets to do.

There is a balance to find, especially with the additional needs but you've gone the other way and given him totally what he wanted regardless of his behaviour and it's affect on his dad and his sibling have a nice time. He needs to learn and you cannot always protect him.

If he is sad then he is sad. He

I don't think it was a bad parenting decision. 3 is so so little and with the potential ASD as well - I'm just not sure whether he would have learnt the lesson to not mess around next time or whether he would have just internalised the lesson that he's hard work and gets left behind without really understanding why.

You had to make a snap decision. I think there are some things that are good for DC and you don't take them away or bargain over them and it sounds like the Friday swims are one of those things. If I was your DH I would have threatened (and then followed through) on taking him in his pyjamas.

In that situation no one would have gone insted of leaving him, but that's as much because it's unfair to spring an upset toddler on someone who's meant to be working. But if he couldn't corporate well enough to get to swimming, I wouldn't feel safe taking him into an environment where not listening or following instructions is so dangerous. 2 toddlers with one adult in a pool would be a stretch for me anyway, even without SEN, I'm surprised the pool allows it.

*He'll learn, like all children. And you might find that it actually helps him.

He wasn’t being abandoned though was he.
OP you should have left it until he calmed down a bit and re-indie Ed the message that daddy told him lots of times to get ready and you didn’t.

he’ll come back soon and next week if you’re a good boy and get ready quickly you can go too.

I think your DH would have been in the right to say "I warned him and he didn't listen and I'm sticking to my guns on this" and not come back.

I also think if your son got himself ready despite being genuinely distressed, you were also right to communicate that with your DH and to allow him to swim.

Your son saw the consequences of his actions and rectified his behaviour. He is still too young to see future consequences/know what those feelings will be. He didn't know what being left behind meant or how it would feel until it happened so the threat was not enough.

Personally, I make the rule that I am never going to issue a punishment that punishes me or another innocent person. In this case, that would mean I wouldn't have left the child at home as that inconveniences you when you are trying to work.

I'd be picking my battles. Does he have to be dressed to go swimming? Take him in his pyjamas and put proper clothes on when he comes out of the pool. Take shoes with you and put them on when it's time to get out of the car etc.

While I don’t think your DH should have come back did he make it very clear what would happen if DS wasn’t ready in a certain time frame? A countdown might have helped. It was also a bit off to leave him with you while you try and work

However, your son is young and as he gets older his behaviour may become more challenging so it’s a good idea to try and get a handle on his behaviour now and help him understand natural consequences

Natural consequences are actually highly recommended for children with SEN

so your view doesn’t stack up

But that's the whole point. He didn't think they would go through with it. He has now learned an important lesson. As others have said, next week will be very interesting.

I think this is right.

Your DH told him he would leave without him if he didn’t get dressed.

He left.

Your DS got dressed.

Then he got to go swimming.

This is plenty actions = consequences for a 3 year old.

The biggest issue is that you and your DH need a shared strategy on how to deal with these things.

You can turn this around but you need to do it together. Don’t give him mixed messages from you both.

He needs to practice getting himself dressed - clothes chosen and laid out ready the night before with his help.

His towel, etc. gathered together the same, the night before.

Don’t use leaving him as a threat but do use it as a reference as the time Daddy nearly had to leave him as he wasn’t ready and ‘we don’t want that to happen again do we’.
He’s only 3, they still think the world revolves around them at that point and need to realise that although they have some choices, there are consequences too.

He is right. Your DS needs consequences.

Amazing when his dad left, he knew exactly what he should have been doing and did it quickly.

Next time. See how fast he gets his things and gets ready. He won't be faffing about.

Be kind to each other as parents.

Parenting possible asd preschooler is tough and you will get things wrong (I have). I can see dh point in that they needed to go and he was trying to show natural consequences when you don't do as you are asked BUT this doesn't necessarily work with asd kids as their processing is poor (and I'd be bit annoyed that you are working and he left dc).

The devastation when they do realise the consequences is awful as you saw but it's hard to see that when you have been the parent battling with them for half an hour and your cross.

I'd try and work out a plan with your dh on how to handle these situations.

Look at the incredible years book. Myself and dh did the zoom course and they were awesome at getting dh to.understand our neurodiverse dc better and tools we could use.

incredibleyears.com/
www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Trouble-Shooting-Children/dp/0578434512/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=52782975306&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyM2HzKmU-wIVzdDtCh2xsASYEAAYASAAEgL73vD_BwE&hvadid=259063875246&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1007274&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=7502111207311701917&hvtargid=kwd-297797918773&hydadcr=21616_1763458&keywords=the+incredible+years&qid=1667557994&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIxLjk1IiwicXNhIjoiMS41MyIsInFzcCI6IjEuNjYifQ%3D%3D&sr=8-1