Need advice on this possibly terrible/weak parenting decision of mine.

[KidsArt]

Really want brutal opinions pls.

DS1 is 3 years old. He can be pretty challenging, in his own world, never listens, doesn't want to play with others, and his nursery have talked about ASD.

DH doesn't work on Fridays. He takes DS1 and DS2 (18 months) swimming. They all love it.

I work from home on Fridays.

DH just couldn't get DS1 ready. He wasn't listening. Refusing to get dressed. Playing with his trains. Running away from DH. this went on for 20 mins

DH left without him. Took DS2 and just walked out. He did give DS1 warning that he would leave unless he got dressed.

DS1 lost his mind. I mean, sobbing, wailing, throwing himself at the door. "I want my daddy. Where is daddy? I want to go swimming. Why not me? Please please. Where is Daddy. I'm sorry I'm sorry"

I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was shaking. He got all his clothes and was trying to put his own pants on, falling over, crying, collecting his towel, trying to get out the front door, looking for the car out the window.

I made DH come back and get him.

DH thinks this the reason DS1 is the way he is. That he needed to suck it up.

Is he right?

Yep. That's just what a(probably) ND child needs.🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

I'd suggest it's crap parenting on your partner's behalf. He could only do what he did because you were there to deal with the fallout. You have to deal with the children on their own. Would he have behaved as he did if you hadn't been there? He left you to deal with a distraught toddler.

Your son demonstrated that he understood consequences: he apologised, he tried to get ready. I hope it's a lesson learned, but ffs, he's only three.

I think your dh did the right thing generally however leaving him at home with you wfh , unless you agreed this was ok, is not on.

if you make a threat you have to be prepared to go through with it or the kid will see right through it. That being said it’s very difficult to get everything right all the time and such things def put pressure on couples who are unlikely to agree 100% of the time.

on a separate note I could not have managed swimming on my own with my kids at that age! It was a two parent job, for me anyway.

If he was genuinely having a meltdown, when they cannot control their emotions or calm down no matter what, then he wouldnt have been in a good mood and happy once his dad got back to take him. The meltdown would have carried on.

He was having a normal 3 year old tantrum, then he got his way so cheered right up. And he learned that if he does tantrum, mummy will step in and everyone else will have to dance to his tune.

SEN kids wont often understand the big chat you'll have about behaviour and getting ready. Natural consequences are what he needs. He needs structure and consequences and to see the world going on around him. You dont take his toys or yell at him or ban him from TV etc. You leave him behind so he misses swimming. That is a natural consequence of not getting ready, and it also allows his sibling to get on with the activity instead of being beholden to his brother's behaviour.

What does your employer think of you parenting a 3 year old while working? Or did your DH not think your work was important enough for him to solve this parenting issue himself, and not leave the very upset child with you do deal with?

Hey OP - I know you said you wanted brutal opinions but I just wanted to post that you need to be kind to yourself - this is effing hard. Almost every day when I take on one of these battles, I'm thinking to myself "why did I decide to die in this particular stupid ditch?" I agree with posters above who said your son will have learnt from this. I would have absolutely done the same thing as you. Take care of yourself and please don't worry too much x

the shaking and crying is a bit of a red herring - he's upset because he doesn't get to do the nice thing, but his lovely mum is there to calm him down and be nice to him. I think that's ok. It is very harsh, but there you have it

No he was distraught because he experienced the event as having been rejected and abandoned by his dad, not fully grasping what just happened.

It is. As the parent of a SEN child,

*as the parent of a SEN child, natural consequences are what they need. That is exactly what they need.

How much has your DH learned about how to communicate and support a child with autism? He is likely to have developmental delays so if he’s just expecting your DS to go off and get himself dressed etc that could be completely unrealistic.

Problems with executive functioning can make staying focused on a task and knowing what to do next really difficult, plus dyspraxia is common alongside autism which will make it physically hard due to motor skill problems.

Your DH needs to prepare ahead and help your DS much more when going out somewhere. Dealing with transitions is very difficult for autistic people so just showing them a now/next card or verbally telling them may not be enough.

I think DH was completely unreasonable how he reacted to a problem he essentially created. If your child was in a wheelchair you wouldn’t leave them behind because they couldn’t walk down the steps by themselves to leave. It’s the same for an autistic child, they have a disability that means they need a lot of extra help to do things and traditional parenting has to go out the window. Punishments and harsh consequences are unfair when he has no control over how his brain works.

I would have made DH come back as well. If anyone should be learning from this experience it’s DH to ensure it doesn’t escalate again.

You don't learn to fly by jumping off a cliff.

+1 to this.

As a parent of an asd child I would reflect on what went wrong that morning was there a change in routine? Was he being rushed? When my ds was that age we had a daily planner which broke down the expectations of the day.. and he had sensory breaks between morning jobs. parents of kids who are high need or who are neuro diverse need to manage their child environment and not expect more than they are capable of.

I have two DC with ASD and can recall very similar situations. We once almost missed a flight because DC3 refused to wear socks because they all had bumps in them, refused to leave without a giant Teddy that was too big to take with us and then refused to be strapped into their car seat because the belts were “cutting them in half” and kept releasing them every time we clicked them on.

It was one thing after another. In our case we couldn’t just leave the DC behind.

But I think your DH did do the right thing by initially leaving him behind. I think you also did the right thing by calling DH to come back though after a little while. It taught your DC the consequences of being obstinate, but at the same time showed your DC that you have lessened the full consequences because you do love him and only wanted to show him what the consequences could be. I would however not make this a pattern. I would tell him next time dad won’t come back for him but that you and dad will help him watch time so he doesn’t miss “the daddy taxi” to swimming again.

What was really helpful for the DC was flexibility. So if DC wants a bit of train time before swimming. I’d say, let’s get dressed and then you can play trains for 15mins before we go swimming. Then you give them warnings, like in 5mins we are going swimming! Three is an age where they start to express the desire for a bit of control as to what they do and when they do it. So this is the start really of being flexible as parents because their need for some autonomy just constantly expands until they are teens and strike out on their own.

I think you need to remind yourself that every decision you make isn't your one chance ever to teach your child And you can try something one time, reflect on it and then try something different next time.

So don’t be too hard on yourself. You can always do something different next time if you come to the conclusion that your husband should not have come back.

Going swimming is a treat not a consequence for unwanted behaviour. I honestly think that while your husband should have dealt with it differently you should have backed him up
He is the one that has to ensure their safety in the pool, not you
DS1 was rewarded DS2 suffered to consequences

I totally agree.

Two factors for DH to consider are 1. Support needed for focusing and starting and finishing tasks and 2. Latent anxieties about leaving the house, going somewhere new, overwhelming etc.

DH needs to be careful that he does not teach DS that the consequence of his difficulties indeed (potential) disability is rejection and punishment.

i agree with this. He said sorry and started getting ready and got his towel bless him. I think him knowing that he almost missed out was enough of a lesson.

@KidsArt I think you've probably read enough advice and opinions on this for today. Everyone makes mistakes; I'm not saying you did, or your husband did. (Children are quite robust and resilient; they have to be or the human race would have died out long ago.) The important thing is to learn from the experience. Many posters are suggesting that your elder son will have done so. What have you and DH learned, though? Can you sit down amicably and agree how to set things up next week so that DS1 is cooperative (and to give lots of praise for that?) and how to deal with things if he isn't? Good luck. Have a nice cup of tea and a digestive.

AHA Parenting website ! And Bonnie Harris. Have a read. Good luck xxxx

OP I would have done the same as you. My DS (now 13) was recognised at nursery as possible ASD at the age of 4, not formally diagnosed until 7 but from my experience he won't "learn a lesson" by being punished if he has social communication difficulties for one, his understanding of the world and ability to understand consequences will maybe not be as developed as his neurotypical peers yet. All it possibly does is distress and deregulate him. What helped my DS a lot at that age was having a visual timetable of what was happening and in what order so I used to make them for him, showing him the order of the morning (eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, get bag, get in car, go swimming etc etc) - it helped him stay calm and do what we needed him to do to get out of the house without drama.

No, no he didn't. He did the crap parenting thing. HE couldn't manage DS1, so he walked out leaving a distressed 3yo with the OP who is supposed to be working. How the hell do you think he did the right thing.

@KidsArt it's not you that fucked up here. DH needs to understand YOU are working & he can't just walk out the house leaving one child behind. DS1 needs assistance to get out the door on time, that's down to DH. Carrying him out in PJ's would have been the easiest solution if he could get himself sorted to help DS1 get ready.

yes 3yo's can be annoying little buggers, but especially when they have SEN, you have to be the adult and keep situations under control.

And poor DS2 was very annoyed to be back home again

think about this for a second. DS2 is 18 months. He was only upset/annoyed because DH was giving him that narrative. He's too young too be annoyed with DS1 for making them late all of his own accord.

Your DH needs to up his parenting skills

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I would have done the same OP. 3 is very, very young. I think the shock of what actually happened might have been lesson enough at this stage. I'm glad your DH came back and that he got to go swimming.

Go a bit easy on yourself.

I think your husband was a dick. Your 3 year old needs more warnings and longer than 20 minutes to get ready.
This business of a few warnings and then leaving without is possibly for an averagely developed 7+ year old without any mental or learning issues suspected or diagnosed. You did the right thing op.

Well yes it is

Natural and logical consequences are exactly what SEN children need. It’s actively recommended