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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking aunts offer to buy her house cheaply when my sister wants/needs it more?

295 replies

Anonquestion125 · 03/11/2022 18:03

When my husband and I were at my aunts a couple months ago we talked to her about how we were looking into buying our first house. My aunt after inquiring what our price limit was asked if we would buy her house. Her house is a beautiful five bedroom and was out of our price range. She however said she would sell it to us for far less. Her husband died a couple years ago and she said she had wanted to move back to Scotland and live with her sister, but had only been holding off because she didn’t want to sell her house to strangers.

I have always loved this house and have lots of fond childhood memories of the please, so we had the house inspected and it’s in really good condition. Even after calculating the extra expenses associated a home of this size it’s still a great deal. So we accepted my aunts offer.

My sister found out and she is upset because she knew that I knew she and her husband were also looking into buying a house and that I should have brought the offer to her first since since she has a larger family and a greater need for more space.

This whole situation has been brought to my aunts attention and she has said that my sister can have the house if I say no, but it’s completely up to me and she doesn’t want to get any more involved and refused to talk about it more.

My main thought on why we should have the house is that my aunt had said she didn’t want to sell the house to strangers. Yes, my sister isn’t technically a stranger, but she very rarely ever goes to visit our aunt (maybe twice a year). Meanwhile me, my husband, and our daughter visit my aunt regularly. Usually twice a month. My husband goes by even more often to help her with any heavy duty chores or to fix things.

My sister says that bringing that up is unfair because she doesn’t have as much free time to visit our aunt as she has four kids all under the age of 10 and no help while I only have one and my mother in law helps out a lot with childcare.

OP posts:
VollywoodHampires · 03/11/2022 20:17

Newwardrobe · 03/11/2022 18:06

Personally, I would either let my sister have it or no one has it.

Give over 🙄

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/11/2022 20:17

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2022 20:10

My sister says that bringing that up is unfair because she doesn’t have as much free time to visit our aunt as she has four kids all under the age of 10 and no help while I only have one and my mother in law helps out a lot with childcare.

Your sister shouldn't have had more children than she can manage or house properly. Her circumstances are not your fault or responsibility.

Exactly.

this reminds me of Little Women when the aunt picked the gracious and well-behaved Amy to accompany her on the Grand Tour, rather than the bumptious and stand-offish Jo. Too bad, so sad. OP should snap up this offer and the sis will just have to lump it.

JustLyra · 03/11/2022 20:18

For me you have to look at three separate things -

Firstly - is your Aunt capable of making the decision and is she, and you, aware of all the consequences of it? Properly. Not “well Mary’s mum’s sister’s neighbour did it and it was fine when she needed care” but properly read up on policy with HMRC and care fees policies.make sure neither of you are going to be surprised down the line.

Secondly - your relationship with your sister and the damage that could/will be done

and thirdly - your family and the benefits of the house versus the damage in family relationship. Including damage already done

bumpytrumpy · 03/11/2022 20:22

ermana · 03/11/2022 19:35

The aunt was wrong to offer it to you without thinking about your sister.

Imagine a mother doing the same with her off spring. It would breed resentment.

I think neither of you should have it, it should go to the market and your aunt should keep the money.

And if she wants to contribute to you both being able to improve your position on the property ladder, give you both an equal sum of inheritance to help you do that.

But she's not a mother (or father, or stepmother, or anyone else who could realistically be expected to share things "equally" within the next generation.)

She's an aunt. An aunt with a relationship with one sibling and not another. Are there any more siblings or cousins in the background too?

What if she were a godmother? Would she be expected to share with god-child's siblings?

Or a family friend? What makes an aunt more like a parent than anyone else?

OP it's fine, take the kind offer from your aunt and your sister needs to get a grip

stuntbubbles · 03/11/2022 20:22

You should both buy it. You get a bedroom, sister gets a bedroom, 5 children share 3 bedrooms between them. See who cracks first.

I don’t think your sister is grasping, selfish, a cow, any of the other names on this thread. You’ve been offered a helluva boost – a five-bedroom house is figuratively and literally enormous. Can you imagine actually living there and having this amazing home and being able to invite your sister over for dinner or for the kids to play in the garden, and not feel terrible and guilty the whole time?

HermioneKipper · 03/11/2022 20:23

I think you should buy it. You’re much closer to your aunt.

Your sister is cheeky and entitled expecting to get first dibs. She wouldn’t have even known about it if you hadn’t been visiting your aunt.

could she even afford it at the reduced price anyway?

whumpthereitis · 03/11/2022 20:23

The aunt has zero obligation towards the sister. She’s close to OP and offered it to her first; indeed she would have only offered it to OP until the sister found out. The sister can’t reasonably expect anything from the aunt - house or inheritance wise (wtf?).

I wouldn’t be surprised if she fully expects OP to take it and just said that to the sister without anticipating the sister getting the chance.

ClownSchool · 03/11/2022 20:23

Does your aunt have children?

Lemonsandlimez · 03/11/2022 20:23

Buy the house

If you don't you'll resent your sister, if you do your sister will resent you ...

whumpthereitis · 03/11/2022 20:25

stuntbubbles · 03/11/2022 20:22

You should both buy it. You get a bedroom, sister gets a bedroom, 5 children share 3 bedrooms between them. See who cracks first.

I don’t think your sister is grasping, selfish, a cow, any of the other names on this thread. You’ve been offered a helluva boost – a five-bedroom house is figuratively and literally enormous. Can you imagine actually living there and having this amazing home and being able to invite your sister over for dinner or for the kids to play in the garden, and not feel terrible and guilty the whole time?

LOL! Because the sister would feel guilty for swiping it out from under OP I’m sure.

longtompot · 03/11/2022 20:25

I've not rtwt but is your aunt likely to want to come and stay at 'her house' if she was to come to visit? I've read a few posts on here where ops have bought family homes and then the family members still seem to think it's their home and want to come and stay for long periods with little or no warning. Not saying your aunt would behave that way, but if she is likely to want to stay is your sister going to allow it, given the lack of closeness in their relationship?
Also, is your sister and her dh actually in a position to buy, or is it more a case of they want the house but it could take a while for them to be in a position to do so? You sound like you are in a position to do so now, which is possibly why your aunt offered it to you, that and the relationship you have with her, and it means she can move in with her sister quickly.

gluteustothemaximus · 03/11/2022 20:25

your sister has too many children so she is struggling with space, and it’s somehow your problem and you should give up a golden opportunity to sort out her shit? What is wrong with people. Why can no one take responsibility for their own lives anymore. There is always an expectation that the sensible sibling that lives to their means has to support the reckless one. Unbelievable.

Exactly this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/11/2022 20:26

stuntbubbles · 03/11/2022 20:22

You should both buy it. You get a bedroom, sister gets a bedroom, 5 children share 3 bedrooms between them. See who cracks first.

I don’t think your sister is grasping, selfish, a cow, any of the other names on this thread. You’ve been offered a helluva boost – a five-bedroom house is figuratively and literally enormous. Can you imagine actually living there and having this amazing home and being able to invite your sister over for dinner or for the kids to play in the garden, and not feel terrible and guilty the whole time?

The OP has nothing to feel guilty about. If sister wants to make it a wedge, that is entirely on her. OP and aunt were minding their own business till sister tried to barge in between them.

And frankly as a middle-aged woman, I'm finding all of the suggestions that aunt is senile or mentally frail or lacking in financial savvy to be quite ageist and insulting. There is zero indication of that. Older women are perfectly capable of managing finances and life admin, and deciding how to allocate assets.

Byfleet · 03/11/2022 20:26

OP are you going to come back on the thread or are you just eating popcorn and chuckling?

TomTraubertsBlues · 03/11/2022 20:27

ClownSchool · 03/11/2022 20:23

Does your aunt have children?

Obviously not.

I wonder why the OP and her DH have put so much effort into the relationship?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/11/2022 20:35

TomTraubertsBlues · 03/11/2022 20:27

Obviously not.

I wonder why the OP and her DH have put so much effort into the relationship?

Because some people are nice and some actually ENJOY the company of mature relatives?

How nasty to impugn the character of the OP with zero basis for that speculation.

Not everyone out there is angling for a financial advantage. I have young relatives who help me with heavy-lifting DIY, and due to my frugal lifestyle they have no idea, and would be bowled over to learn, of my assets. I think they do it because they like me and because our extended family take care of one another.

Viviennemary · 03/11/2022 20:36

I think you need to pay your aunt a fair price for her house.

Firstruleofsoupover · 03/11/2022 20:36

Stay out of it I reckon there is more at play than just a house sale.

ClownSchool · 03/11/2022 20:37

I was just curious about the house size. Obviously people can buy whatever house size they like though.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 03/11/2022 20:38

Unless your sister had 3 more children than you did, for your, your husband's, or your child's benefit, then I don't see how it can be your fault that she has four children to house, and who take up her precious time.

You - meaning both you and your husband in this instance - have decided (or maybe it just hasn't been possible), at least for now, that you only have one child, and you have decided that you like to spend time with your Aunt. Your Aunt obviously appreciates this. It appears that your Aunt is Scottish, and wants to return to Scotland and live with her sister. As it doesn't sound like your Aunt has any children of her own, when she dies, she may - if she wants - leave some, or all of the rest of her money to your sister (money which might include what you give her for her present house), or she may leave her entire estate to you, or anyone else that she so wishes.

Any decisions your Aunt makes are hers to make alone. How any of her decisions affect you, will mean that you then decide how to deal with those decisions, and your sister will get to decide how to deal with anything that affects her. I obviously don't know how close you and your sister are, but neither you, or your Aunt are obliged to give your sister any financial help, unless she has already done something similar for you in the past! Good luck OP, hopefully your sister will soon realise that she is being unreasonable, but you have to put your and your son's happiness and interests first, so I think you would be rather foolish to give up this amazing opportunity in favour of your sister.

GetThatHelmetOn · 03/11/2022 20:38

Ignore your sister, you are closer to your aunt and the only reason she is not choosing you over your sister is because she doesn’t want the drama coming from your sister.

I think there is going to be a lot of resentment between you and your sister whether you keep the house or allow your sister to buy it, there’s no way around that so I suggest you just do as you planned and let your sister sort herself.

Theluggage15 · 03/11/2022 20:39

Your aunt is either really stupid or ill. Doesn’t want to sell a house to strangers? Will sell it really cheaply? Whole thing sounds rather unbelievable.

Polly421 · 03/11/2022 20:42

It’s a difficult situation but I would look at the situation in the interest of your aunt rather than yourself or your sister. Are you getting the house at an absolute steal? As you were looking for a house but would this have only been a 2/3 bedroom with your budget and your aunt is accepting a extremely low value because your family. Would it be acceptable for your sister then to be able to offer your aunt more? If she had the funds to do so? As surely you would want your aunt to get as much more money if it’s possible she can do this without the house going to a stranger. That’s just my thoughts.

TomTraubertsBlues · 03/11/2022 20:43

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/11/2022 20:35

Because some people are nice and some actually ENJOY the company of mature relatives?

How nasty to impugn the character of the OP with zero basis for that speculation.

Not everyone out there is angling for a financial advantage. I have young relatives who help me with heavy-lifting DIY, and due to my frugal lifestyle they have no idea, and would be bowled over to learn, of my assets. I think they do it because they like me and because our extended family take care of one another.

My basis for the speculation was that her first instinct, when the aunt made this offer, was to bite her hand off rather than trying to persuade her to sell at market value. Someone acting in the aunt's interest wouldn't have done that.

Both sisters had £ signs in their eyes in my opinion.

CJsGoldfish · 03/11/2022 20:43

How convenient. 🙄

Nothing like cultivating a relationship with a childless relative and then making the play. I'm sure you 'just happened' to end up talking about buying a house.

You played the long game. Your sister did not I guess.

Your aunt should be selling at market value and anyone who truly loved her and had her best interests at heart would encourage this. Doesn't seem like that's you. 🤷‍♀️