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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want SD’s to share a room?

573 replies

jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 12:14

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

OP posts:
StoneMap · 03/11/2022 14:45

Your 'D'P is truly horrible and unkind. He is hostile to your DS. He doesn't care at all about your son, does he? (With that rhetoric, no wonder your DS doesn't like him.) I would be seriously reconsider if this relationship is worth. I would give him a notice and kick him out. After all it's your house.

Hope your DS will feel better and come out if this crisis. I am sure you will give all love and support he needs this weekend. He needs to know that there is always a safe place for him. You are the only person who can protect him. Don't let this vile man get in the way.

PassingWhim · 03/11/2022 14:46

All the kids, step or not, take priority. Only appropriate for the girls to share in this set up. Perhaps DH thinks DS needs to stick it out a bit? Hotel is not the solution though.

SVRT19674 · 03/11/2022 14:50

It is a no brainer, my child who is in need of support or some dickhead I met on the street? He would be out if he came up with that again.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/11/2022 14:50

Wow this is so sad, poor lad.

My DH made the mistake of referring to our DDs room as the ‘spare room’ when she was in her third year at uni. That made me cross enough, this would make me rage.

TeddyTonks · 03/11/2022 14:50

Your DP is a selfish, insensitive prick. At best.

Flutterbybudget · 03/11/2022 14:51

Your DP is frankly being a nob. But is there some sort of compromise you can come to. It DOES seem a bit unfair that your DS has the biggest room, if he is rarely there. Could they swap, so he has a small room and the girls get to share the larger one? If it’s big enough, it could be divided into two with either a stud wall or just a curtain to give them some privacy.

That’s for the longer term, but in the meantime, if your DP insists, then tell him to book a hotel for him and his daughters for as long as your DS is at home. No one and nothing would be making my children feel unwelcome on their home.

Iwonder08 · 03/11/2022 14:51

On this note I would ask your DP to move out with both of his daughters from your house

billy1966 · 03/11/2022 14:51

Megifer · 03/11/2022 14:35

I'd be making it crystal clear to DS that is his room for as long as he needs it. If he wants to move back home for good, fine.

And id be making it clear to DP that if he doesn't like it he can piss off

Thats what any decent mother would do.

That waster that she has moved in has his eye firmly on her house and he doesn't want the son thinking of it as his home.

He'll be offering to marry her soon, if he hasn't already, he'll be wanting his daughters to inherit a property that he has no rights to.

These type actively seek out vulnerable women without boundaries.

OP, why you need to ask this question at all is unbelievable.

That you don't know that your son should have priority in his own home is so sad.

You have handed over control to a nasty man and your son is paying the price.

If your late husband was a good man, he must be turning in his grave knowing you have someone in his home that would suggest a hotel for his child when he is in distress.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/11/2022 14:52

If anyone attempted to treat my child like this - not least when he's lost his father and is struggling - I could never feel the same way about that person again.

It saddens me that you even need to ask whether YABU, OP. Please support your son.

RobinStrike · 03/11/2022 14:53

Your son should always feel he has a home with you, as well as some understanding and compassion. I agree with a PP his room should be kept solely for his use. It has always been his room, and the DSD can share. The problem is that you agreed to allow the DSD to use the room and it's difficult to rescind this now, but you really do need to. Your DS needs your support and to know he has a room to call his own.

Coffeeandcake15 · 03/11/2022 14:55

PassingWhim · 03/11/2022 14:46

All the kids, step or not, take priority. Only appropriate for the girls to share in this set up. Perhaps DH thinks DS needs to stick it out a bit? Hotel is not the solution though.

Why would her DP think he needs to stick it out a bit when he’s clearly struggling mentally. He’s a twat, clear and simple.

fatnotfluffy · 03/11/2022 15:00

The girls live with you every other week, so they presumably have other bedrooms at their mums. Your son has no other parent to stay with, yet your partner is happy for him to have no bedroom at all in YOUR house, while each of his daughters have two bedrooms? Stuff that for a game of soldiers. YANBU at all, what dickish behaviour!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/11/2022 15:00

Coffeeandcake15 · 03/11/2022 14:55

Why would her DP think he needs to stick it out a bit when he’s clearly struggling mentally. He’s a twat, clear and simple.

Show quote history

Agree. 'D' P is not this boy's parent. That's a decision for his mother to make.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2022 15:01

Considering how your ‘d’p has treated your ds recently, I think he should be told to stay at a hotel with his dds for a couple of nights. You can then have some much needed time with your ds and evaluate whether or not you want to stay with him. He doesn’t treat you well by the sound of it.

On a personal note, I’m so glad you’re taking your ds’s mental health so seriously. The same didn’t happen for me after my dad’s death. University is difficult for anyone, who has wounds and I ended up in deep deep depression by final year of university and only pulling it round at the last minute.

InsertPunHere · 03/11/2022 15:03

I still can't believe your DP is being so unkind about your son. If he was that bothered about having separate rooms for his daughters, why didn't he buy a place of his own instead of dictating to you what to do with your own home and son?

Absolutely appalling.

billy1966 · 03/11/2022 15:03

PassingWhim · 03/11/2022 14:46

All the kids, step or not, take priority. Only appropriate for the girls to share in this set up. Perhaps DH thinks DS needs to stick it out a bit? Hotel is not the solution though.

Hes NOT her husband.

They are NOT step siblings.

He's just some nasty block that moved into the OP's house that is her son's family home.

She cleared his bedroom to keep the boyfriend sweet and now he doesn't want her son returning home because he wants his claws firmly in the house.

The OP has allowed this waster to make her son feel uncomfortable in his own home.

Just another woman putting a man and HIS children ahead of her own.

Awful behaviour.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 03/11/2022 15:03

@PassingWhim He's not her DH he's her boyfriend!

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 03/11/2022 15:05

Another question OP. where was this Prince of a man living before he got his feet under your table?

Irritatedmum · 03/11/2022 15:08

Who owns the house/pays the bills? He’s absolutely taking the piss and for me this would be enough to end it, I couldn’t live with this.

viques · 03/11/2022 15:08

If it is just a weekend then DS goes back to university then of course the girls should share the smaller room . If however DS decides he doesn’t want to return to University then I think you need to think about swapping over the rooms so that the girls permanently share during their week but have the larger room.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 03/11/2022 15:09

OP - Please do not tolerate your DP making your son feel unwelcome in his own home when he returns this weekend. Please make it perfectly clear to him that if he makes DS feel even worse you will be considering his position in YOUR house.

billy1966 · 03/11/2022 15:10

So this waster has his girls 50/50 and found you to provide a home for them.

Why isn't he providing a home for his kids?

Cheaper to move into yours?

Did he have a housing crisis that precipitated his needing to move in to your home?

4.50 years together, how long was it before he moved in and started bullying your son?

Still can't see the link between your boyfriend bullying your son and his mental health?

If my 20 year old son was crying on the phone, it sure as hell wouldn't be some boyfriend making decisions about whether or not he could come home🙄

EL8888 · 03/11/2022 15:10

The girls don’t need to have separate rooms, they just want that. Your partner is being out of order saying he can’t come home, it’s not even his house really. Why does your DS have the biggest bedroom? It makes more sense for yourself and partner or the step daughters to have it

Your DP has unrealistic expectations of your son, at his age why would he want to spend his summer going to theme parks with much younger step siblings? DP says disrespectful but l think he means “he won’t do what l tell him and that annoys me”.

TeeBee · 03/11/2022 15:13

So your partner thinks he can dictate who sleeps where in YOUR house and is trying your force your child out?? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Remove the 12-year old's things from your son's bedroom. If your 'D'P doesn't like that he can find housing elsewhere. Absolute cheeky fucker.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 03/11/2022 15:16

Give the girls the big room permanently and let the older SD sleep in the ´spare’ room when it’s free BUT the understanding is there that your son gets first dibs on the spare room whenever he wants to visit home (holidays etc).