To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

Tell your DP to find a hotel. I really mean that.

I’m wondering whether part of your DS’s struggle is your DP?

Dont let him come home feeling unwelcome, second best or a burden.

If your DP can’t respect and be kind to your DS then he shouldn’t be there.

There is no 'spare' room it is the Ds's home and his room!

There's a certain type of man who uses the word 'disrespectful'.

In my book there is no greater warning flag than this particular word. Who the hell do they think they are?

Your DP sounds like he treats your DS very badly. There is no way I would put up with that. Could your DP move out for a while- it sounds like your DS needs some support and that he’s unlikely to get that with your DP at home. Is your DP really worth it?

And respect works both ways, He has Zero respect for Op or her Son.

Your husband doesn’t sound nice at all. It’s your house so maybe let the girls permanently have the bigger room to share so DS always had a room at home if need be.

I would ask your husband to leave and take his daugters to stay elsewhere for the weekend to giv you all some space. Your son needs his mum this weekend and doesn't need the hostility and conflict that your DP and daughters are going to bring to the dynamics this weekend. I would tell him very clearly that you will not be dicated to in a home that you own. Your son is in crisis and he is your focus for this weekend, therefore no discussion your DP can take his daughters to a hotel for the weekend, or go stay with friends or family, not your problem where he goes alog as he's gone. After the weekend in over and your son is hopefully feeling sufficiently strong enough to go back to uni, then you will enterain a talk with your partner about the future and dynamics of your relationship. What you decide to do longer term is another discussion. But you need to take back some power and control in this relationship and put your son at the forefront of your priorities when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable.

So you have brought this man and his DC into your DS home and now your DS is at Uni and needs help your DH is suggesting he stay at hotel and you prioritise his DC.

Stand up for your DS- your husband sounds nasty and you have married a man who your son doesn't like and a man who is derogatory about him. you are setting yourself up here for your poor son not being made to feel welcome in his family home.

I have no doubt your husband eyed up your large house for him and his DC and likely was sat there living in a bedset or one bed flat. I cant believe you have placed your home at risk and DS inheritance by marrying another man who can make a claim

OP - your DP is flexing his male muscle. Resenting another man's son, a young adult male in the nest. It is a story as old as time: The Greek Tragedies, Hamlet, The lion King.

A significant number of teen and young 20s boys living homeless on the streets are there because Mum's boyfriend made life unbearable for them at home.

Your DP chose to move into a house with one spare room for his Dds. He hasn't paid for a loft conversion, or a bigger house, and whichever way you look at it, the current set up is reasonable: a room for girls, a room for boys. Or a room for his kids, a room for yours.

Your DS needs a home base while he is at Uni, in the same way that in due course, his Dds will.

You are going to providing a home for his Dds for a lot longer than he has been in the household with your DS. It will be 14 years until his youngest leaves Uni.

I suggest you discuss these facts with him and tell him to think on!

Is he likely to make life unpleasant while your DS is home for the w/e? If so I would seriously consider chucking him out for the w/e - pay for him and his Dds to go for a weekend away if necessary

The priority at this point is creating a calm supportive environment for your DS.

Get rid of this awful man.

Actually, i have just seen you are not married which is a relief. This is time for you to put your son first and if your DP is making him uncomfortable in his own home I would suggest you rethink him living in your home.

Get rid of him, it's your home, who the hell does he think he is?

HE'S NOT HER HUSBAND.

HE'S A BOYFRIEND THAT MOVED IN TO THE FAMILY HOME AND BULLYS HER SON.

Hope that helps.🙄

YARNBU. The anniversaries are tough. My friend’s DH died when their daughter was 4, she struggled as a teen and counsellor told my friend that it’s often 10-15 years later they struggle.
Your DS needs as much care atm as if he was 10. Being older doesn’t mean he’s not feeling lost.
Wont hurt two girls to share for a few nights. They would if you were on holiday.

@mynameisbrian You don't have to believe that she has put her home at risk as nowhere does the OP say she is married, and she repeatedly refers to her DP as....DP.

SuperCamp you will note my follow up post where I corrected myself as I spotted the error

Your dp is a dick. Your son is struggling and wants to come home not to a hotel. Its his room, he should have it back while at home. The girls can share, tough if they don't like it. I'd be reconsidering my relationship with someone who thinks this way towards my kids. Your home is your sons home and he should be welcome anytime no matter his age.

Curious, and sorry if I've missed it, as I haven't read the whole thread, but what did DP and SD's do before he moved into YOUR HOUSE?

Your dh sounds like a bully, calling ds disrespectful why exactly? Also ds isn't mandated to go out with them if he doesn't want to.
Turf the dh, keep ds.

OP, do you realise how incredibly rare it is to have an almost completely unanimous AIBU? Now 10 pages in and everyone thinks your ‘D’P is totally out of order.

I agree with them. He sounds poisonous. And your update about his previous behaviour towards DS is really unsettling.

Your son sounds vulnerable and needs his mum. Shut down the nonsense about bedrooms, Put DS above all others when he comes home. And please, please ditch this uncaring man - he has shown you who he is many times now. You and your son deserve so much better.

Also I agree with the others please rethink marrying this man.
Should anything happen to you, it appalls me to think about how he may behave to your ds, if this is how he acts when you are present.

OP, it gets worse with the additional detail.

I don't necessarily expect the girls to get it - it takes a while before children develop empathy - but your DP is being awful.

Your DS had a mum and dad who loved him. His dad sadly passed away, and some bloke has taken his dad's place in his mum's heart, and in his home. Plus, he's brought along two young girls, who your son probably has naff all in common with. It's a lot of change that he didn't ask for and had to accept.

Now, at a time when he's missing his dad greatly and wants the love and support of his family, his blended family - the interlopers - don't want him there. That just intensifies the feeling of loss.

Young men can be quite vulnerable, and your son needs you. If DP can't accept your son coming home, he can move out and find somewhere for him and his own children to stay. Your son only has one parent left - you - and he needs to know you have so much love for him that he still has the love of two parents. You can't be his dad, you're his mum, but you can love him and stand up for him with the force of two parents.

Let him come home, have his own space, and be there for him whilst he works through this immediate crisis. If he needs to stay longer, well, that's a bridge you can cross when you get to it. For now, you just have to be there in his corner.

You know you're right to advocate for your son. That's why you posted. We're telling you your instincts are right, and you have to tell your DP to do one. He can accept that your son is coming home - to his home - and you can have a grown up conversation about what that means - or he can leave.

YANBU. It’s all three of your combined children’s home. It would be inappropriate for your son to share with one of his stepsisters so the two girls have to share. Your husband is being ridiculous.

RTFT

It’s your house yet he thinks your son should go to a hotel whilst his daughter’s get a bedroom each?

He’s an entitled cheeky fucker. This would really make me consider what type of a person he was. I don’t think I could be with someone who so blatantly has no care for my child.