To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

💯

Oh good grief.

Yet another johnny-come-lately bloke moving in an a woman, getting territorial over her home, & banging on about the "respect" he reckons he's due.

OP - what made you choose to continue with your partner when he behaved like this? Why did you move a man into your & your son's home who doesn't get on with him?

I can guarantee that this has got nothing to do with being fair toward his DD's, & everything to do with a dominance display. He thinks it's in his power to order your son to stay in a hotel. Why are you still with this tiny tyrant OP?

I am only speaking from experience. When my dd was at agri college she was residing there, came home some weekends and holidays etc.

Even though my 2 youngest were sharing (boys ds and dss) I made it quite clear from the start no one was using her room, it still had her stuff in, it was her room, she had not moved out she was just living elsewhere for her education, Same as ops son.

Everyone knew where they stood and it saved any drama. I wouldnt hesitate to do the same again if I needed to. Not that I ever will

Tell DP to put the boot on the other foot.

Imagine he died now leaving behind his 12 and 7 year old - (bearing in mind your son was 7-8 when he lost his dad).
Then tell him to imagine, fast forwarding 12 years and his youngest is at uni but struggling mentally, needs some support and been made to feel unwelcome in her home that her parent owns - all because the partner and their precious kids won't temporarily move out of HER room.

I notice you say that you've been to visit your son a few times at uni - has he not returned due to workload or because he doesn't feel welcome?

I would seriously be reconsidering my position with such an unempathetic idiot who has no regards for my child's wellbeing and MH.

Have you wondered if your DP is partly to blame for your DS being miserable? He lost his dad and in his place is someone who sounds like a bully. It’s not that they “don’t get on”, it’s that your DP can’t be arsed to muster the energy and effort to act like a mature pleasant adult.

your update’s made the picture even worse. I absolutely agree with @BloodAndFire your partner generally behaves towards your son appallingly. Who in his right mind would demand young man in his 20s spend his time in theme park with much younger children ???
I think your partner’s got a nasty pattern here.

www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

As I explained already to the other equally rude PP, mine was a cross-post and OP hadn't given her update before I began writing it.

Please do not put your obnoxious, entitled boyfriend ahead of your grieving, struggling son. If I were in your shoes I'd bin the partner and concentrate on your son who desperately needs you right now.

I suspect the cocklodger has had this planned all along. He fancied the OP and her house. He didn't fancy the teenage son. He's doing his very best to disparage him, make him feel unwelcome, and drive a wedge between him and his mum. Eventually, the OP's son will stop coming home because his mother has made it clear that she thinks her new cock lodger is more important than her son.

That way cocklodger gets the big house for him and his kids that he had his eye on the whole time.

Oh my goodness 😳 of course YANBU

Its just occasionally she has to share with her sister that’s what families do when needed.

I would suggest he books a hotel for himself and his daughters and packs a bag.

He's throwing his weight around in a house that isn't is, possibly he's concerned your DS will move home permanently and another adult male in the house will be a threat to his authority. This is a huge red flag regarding his future behaviour towards your DS.

Its very sad but I agree with all of this :(

Thanks, but most of them are not on it. Like SD. It is inconvenient to keep referring back as well, so you lose the general idea of the post.

Would it not be easier just to write out in full, then copy and paste if you want to save time? More people would read your post, I hope.

OP In your first post you say it is your son's room. That is what it is. If your boyfriend has issues with your son he has no right to take the issues further by kicking him out of his home.

This is entirely your fault for allowing someone to come into your home and your son's home and disrespect you. You need to take control. If this were me, I would be having serious doubts about the guy as he will turn on you eventually.

SD = Step daughter

SD - sometimes DSD - step daughter

It's pretty clear by the context most times

Absolutely this.

Christ almighty your poor son.

Father dies, mother moves a waster and his two children in and he's still trying to process it all.

Funny how these wasters always fibd a woman with a home, prepared to put him ahead of her own child.

Unbelievable.

Your son is struggling with his mental health.

IMO you should be TELLING your partner he needs to vacate YOUR home and find somewhere else to doss down with his children as YOUR SON needs his house back..

I bet this man is a part of your son's distress.

I am at a total loss at parents who would put some waster ahead of their own child, particularly one who has lost an other parent.

Total loss.

I don't see why some posters are being so nasty about the girls. The existing arrangement makes sense: their stepbrother has his room when he's home, but as lives away in term time the 12yo uses it then. She'll likely have a later bedtime than the 7yo and need more time for study, etc. It sounds like she didn't ask for this, it was offered to her because her dad pushed for it. And we don't know the 7yo's feelings at all. It seems the only issue is that that the son is home unexpectedly, so the girls will share when they hadn't planned to. It happens.

It sounds like it's the partner (girls' dad) being a PITA here. OP said in the follow-up she [the 12yo] isn't that bothered about this but DP says its unfair as 7yo shares with a step sibling at home so she doesn't have her own space. If the 12yo has her own room at the other house, perhaps he's also afraid she'll stop wanting to come if she has to share? But if it's such a problem (it sounds like it's not for the girls?) perhaps he should be looking for a bigger house. He needs to work out his issues with the son as well; if the mother's fine with his behaviour it's not up to the partner to dictate norms.

@KAYMACK this is a chat forum that has been going for years. You can't seriously come in and expect people to rewrite their posts because you don't understand them? You'll get the hang of them quickly especially if you have a bit of a think about what they're likely to be

SD = step daughter.

He's a "D"P not a "D"H...tell him to pack his bags and fuck off, no way would I let anyone tell me what to do in my own house, let alone expect me to put my own child (who is struggling), last.

I don't think there's any need for posts calling the DSDs brats etc, though. They're just children, in a less than ideal situation. OP even said DSD1 isn't hugely bothered about the whole thing, just prefers not to share (which, especially with a 5 year age gap, is fair enough). It's not their fault that their parents have split up and both entered new relationships with people who already have children. By the sound of it DSD2 is already putting up with sharing with another child she isn't related to in her mum's house. I'm sure they would rather their dad stepped up and provided a family home for them himself, rather than relying on his girlfriend to do it for him.

They need their expectations managed about whose room it is (i.e. it's OP's son's room), to keep things as straightforward as possible. But it's their dad's fault, not theirs.

The room is your son's room. Someone else (your SD) happens to be making use of it when it's not in use. When your son is here, it's in use. Your DP needs to check himself there. Also, if he's generally this shitty towards your son, you might want to have a firm word with him about how you expect him to behave around your son when he gets home. Your son is having a rough time at Uni and the last thing he needs is some jealous git making him feel unwelcome in his own home.

The nerve.

It's not the kids, it's the dad. He's the arsehole, not them.

I agree the girls don't seem to be the issue, the issue is that their father doesn't want to give to the territory he's effectively taken from the OPs DS in fact he wants him out altogether, he clearly thinks he's got himself a free house.