To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

That's good OP. It really is. We're glad to hear it. But if you have any self respect you would tell him to leave permanently. Forever. Seriously he is scum that is using you. You can't be that desperate for a man, right? You can do so so much better than that.

It's never easy to blend families. However your son needs you and I would 100% put his needs over anyone else's. Your sd will just have to share and if that is too difficult maybe set up a camp bed in the living room for her. If his mental health is as low as it stands then he had to be the main focus. I hope you can get some help for him when he is home be it seeing his go for medication or referring for counselling. My brother went through a mental health crisis whilst at uni and we came close to losing him. Nothing else mattered and we as a family rallied around him. This is what your partner should be doing he should be trying anything to make your life easier and show ds that he always has a place with you. The fact that he isn't speaks volumes. I'd deal with the biggest priority first being your ds and then once he is settled I would look to ditch the partner because he doesn't sound much of one. Sending love at what must be a very scary and stressful time for you.

I have told him, at first he was saying it wasn't fair on his DDs as they were expecting to stay for the week, he said their mum won't be happy but has said he'll ask a family member if he can stay with them.

@Theskyisfallingdown that wont happen at all, I've told DS if he doesn't feel he can go back on Monday, then its fine and he can stay for as long as he needs too as its his home.

@jopejob511 Is there any reason why you're ignoring us all saying you need to get rid of your disgusting germ of a partner? Is it his cock gold-plated or are you really that desperate?

he said their mum won't be happy why would you care about that? You don't answer to their mother.

P.S. do you have plans to leave him?

Maybe she's got enough going on
Give her a break

I have told him, at first he was saying it wasn't fair on his DDs as they were expecting to stay for the week, he said their mum won't be happy

Nonsense!

Even if everyone got on wonderfully there can be emergency situations that would prevent their visiting: flooded after heavy rain, their dad breaking a neck leg and landing in hospital; trees bringing down power lines that can't be fixed for days . . .

Things happen. That's life. They'll have to put up with it.

Can you see his priority and narrative here OP?

His daughters.
Their mother.
His Ex.

Everyone to be accommodated, except YOUR son, whose home this is.

Your fragile, vulnerable son who has already tried to take his life .....really doesn't figure at all.

His daughters.
Their comfort.
His ex.
Their mother.

Your son and his life really doesn't concern him.

He thinks your vulnerable son should sit alone with his sadness, desperation and grief, in some hotel, while his children are in your sons home.

It's really horrifying.

Because him, his girls, his family, his ex, CANNOT be inconvenienced in ANY way.

You and your home are a convenience for him.

Your son and his life are collateral in this situation.

I'm asking you to try and be brave and wake up to exactly what is going on here.

It is such an awful thread.

Don't allow that poor boy become another sad statistic.

I’m so upset reading this thread and also fear for this vulnerable young man’s life

i hope the OP can start to realise the position, not just for this weekend, but into the future.

I don't plan on leaving him as the relationship overall is good, apart from him treating Ds like this. But if DS decides to leave uni then I will suggest him move out permanently for the time being.

I can’t even imagine entering into a relationship when my child is treated like this. I really don’t know what you are thinking.

but there are all sorts of folks in life, and plenty of parents who don’t put their kids first, sadly

apart from him treating Ds like this if I started treating my DSC like this I would expect my husband to leave frankly. Its disgusting and I don't see how you can even look at him if I'm honest.

Or the money?

My mind is blown that you think this relationship with your “DP” is good.

He seems to have no consideration or respect for your son and in turn this is a reflection of what he thinks about you.

Think very carefully before you let this man back into your home. It seems to me your home is useful to him and his children and that is the overriding factor of importance to him.

put yourself and your son first and get rid of him. He will never be there for you emotionally if you needed him - his reaction to this situation and your sons mental health crisis shows this very clearly.

Maybe she's only just starting to realise and she can't cope with any more.
I know she said things are otherwise OK but maybe she just can't see it.
The nastiness on here is unbelievable.
One step at a time. Let her deal with what's going on with her son then when she's had a bit of breathing space she can deal with the partner. But telling her she doesn't deserve to be a parent is helping no one.
OP focus on your son, deal with the rest when you can

apart from him treating Ds like this

But this bit is so huge. It is not like saying it is good apart from the fact he snores or he leaves stuff around the house. You seem to be ignoring the fact that moving him in and him treating DS like that could be a huge factor in your suicidal son's mental health issues.

And the fact that even now he is unwilling to give anything.

I think you are near to having to make a choice OP

I don't think I could ever separate myself from my sons in the way you do. My children's welfare was a everything to me. I can't imagine putting such a cretin above the needs and f my struggling, suicidal child.

You might not be planning on leaving him, but if I were him I'd assume you had broken up with me when you asked me to leave.
Anyway, hope your son is doing better soon

This thread's starting to resemble Swiss cheese. It will only be pulled completely if some posters don't rein it in.

A woman is not going to leave her partner because a bunch of fonts on the internet have told her to. In fact, if you continue insulting her in the same vein, she will likely double down, and convince herself that because they've given her a good old font-kicking that makes them wrong in everything they've said. For the most part, I don't think they are, but attacking OP like this isn't going to help her and it certainly will not help her son.

Sometimes people have to realize on their own that something in their relationship is seriously awry, and that theirs is not the good partner they previously thought. That realization might take time to sink in. It rarely happens overnight, and the moment when the scales fall from your eyes is painful and difficult to face.

OP, you've seen what a large number of anonymous women on the internet think, and I hope you'll at least take account of what some of the more measured posters are suggesting. In the immediate short-term, you're doing what's in the best interests of your son. In the medium- to long-term, though, I'd be giving far more careful thought as to the real effects of his presence in your son's life, as well as his future and your own.