To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

I think the timeline goes by age for your ds:

8 - your ds’s dad sadly passes away
15 - you meet your partner
17 - he moves in your house, 2 month later the relationship with your ds sours
18 - your ds attempts suicide, the relationship with your partner does not improve
19/20 - he continues to berate your ds and accuses him of being rude
20 - your partner decides your fragile son should not return to his family home

How much joy has your ds had in his life op? It sounds as though the last 3 years have been especially tough for him and coincided with your partner moving in.

Have you asked your ds what he thinks of this man? I hope your ds can be honest and tell you how he truly feels about the man you’ve moved in and apparently cannot stand him.

If my DP had to move out so that my DS could come home he would not be coming back.

Time and time again parents put their partner before their children and then wonder why the children are fucked up.

How do you think your DS feels knowing your DP has moved out and will stay away as long as he is there but will return once he’s gone?

ffs your son is vulnerable and he has this shit to deal with

Have a think, how is your relationship good if he doesn’t respect you enough to treat your son well?

Oh @Mummyoflittledragon that timeline 😔

I don't think that the OP needs to ask. That they haven't spoken for years tells the tale.

I don’t understand how a relationship can be - so bad that he has to move out in order for your son to be able to be at home, but yet too good to end.

This man not only doesn’t care about your son and has a complete disregard for his well-being (and therefore by extension yours) but he seems to actively want to make things worse. There is no ‘otherwise good’ with someone who doesn’t care or support you in caring for a vulnerable young man and the most important person in your life. Not supporting you in that makes him not only not a good partner, it makes him an actual enemy.

Make no mistake OP…this man doesn’t just not get on with your DS. He doesn’t care at all about you. If you stopped adding helpful things like a home to his life, you’d be disposable.

You need to get rid of him and not let your DS feel that you are keeping your partner in the wings waiting for a time when DS is elsewhere to move him back in, or that you want to be with a man who has shown your DS such disregard. But also make sure your DS doesn’t blame himself for the split, make it clear that while no one comes above your DS you haven’t lost anything in getting rid of a man you realised doesn’t care about you.

If you doubt this try finishing this sentence, ‘the man who wont let me support my beloved, vulnerable and potentially suicidal son still definitely really cares about me because…..’. Because what? What will make up for your son’s pain and yours if your child is suffering or worse? How do you do that to someone you give even the tiniest shit about? Most people wouldn’t do it to a stranger.

This. Your poor son. Is he at home now, hope he's feeling a bit better. As said before your "D" partner seems to have no interest in your son.
You said it's your house and presume you're not married to him. Think its time for the partner to leave permanently.

This thread is really upsetting.

That poor poor lad.

The story is all too familiar.

Step parent resents partners child and tries to push them out. Does utmost to alienate step child who asked for none of this.

So many times

I know. Lad is still only 19 FFS.

Indeed ☹️☹️☹️

I really hope you are starting to connect the dots now OP?

I'm sad to see that you confirmed my suspicions that this cocklodger had nowhere to live of his own and was unable to have his DD's until you came along.

Then you walked into his life and all his prayers were answered, cheap housing, no food bills to pay and best of all he can play disney dad at your expense by having his girls 50/50 and therefore not having to pay any maintenance, thus saving him even more money.

There was only one fly in this ointment - your poor DS.

You have been manipulated in the most horrendous way and now it's time to open your eyes and see him for what he really is.

As you have already said, this is literally a matter of life and death for your DS with his MH history.

Is this "D"P worth that?

This is a heartbreaking timeline. I know you want only the best for your son and that it must have been so hard to be bereaved with a young son but it is not good that your partner seems to have made so little effort to build a relationship with your son and that things have been like this for so long.

You're not planning on leaving a man who insists on mentally abusing your unwell son?

Maybe it is best he goes to his grandparents after all.

Such a sad thread. I hope OP see’s since before it’s too late. What if next time DS is successful at taking his life?

OP, your DS has had a awful time after losing his father, you then moved a new man into the house, a man he doesn’t get along with, he’s attempted suicide and moved to uni, he’s now feeling low and wants to come home but your choosing your dp over him. This is the house he calls home, I’m guessing the house his father lived in?

I think we need to calm down with the hyperbole a bit.

OP is perfectly entitled to move on with her life 7 years after her DH passed away, and to move her DP in if she chooses.

It's just unfortunate that the man in question subsequently turned out to be a bad choice and that the DS has mental heath issues.

Her DS is not Tiny Tim. It reads as if OP has had a wake up call about her DPs behaviour.

This. I feel that some posters are being unecessarily cruel. The op needs to come to this realisation herself, or at the very least put some strong boundaries in place. The partners children should not be given priority over her son. I am just not sure what she is getting out of this imbalanced relationship.

I'm sorry @jopejob511, this thread must be very hard to read.

While your son is home with you and your partner is staying elsewhere, I'd have an honest evaluation of what you mean when you say your partner is 'good'.

Is he always kind to you? Does he make you feel cherished, respected, valued? Does he ensure that he contributes his fair share financially and in household labour - not just for him but for his children? Does he do those things without being asked but because he recognises he needs to contribute equally? Does he take on the lion's share of care for his children when they stay in your house? Does he recognise how lucky he is that you have housed him and his children?

These are the minimum things he should be doing to qualify as a 'good' partner.

I would also say that this is a pivotal moment in you deciding whose needs and wishes you should prioritise - you child's or your boyfriend's. Your son will be your son for life. Your boyfriend could walk out at any moment. Ask yourself honestly if you think he'd be with you if he had his own home and you weren't around to help out with childcare?

And point of fact for everyone on the timeline. The OP's son is not yet 20, he's still 19.

I hope your lad is able to find the solace he needs, @jopejob511 . I'm sure you'd willingly take on all his pain in a heartbeat, and it's so awful to see our lads in suych distress.
Sending best wishes to you both.

“I don't plan on leaving him as the relationship overall is good, apart from him treating Ds like this.”

That is one massive “apart from” though - surely?

OP are you financially dependent on this guy? I can't think of any other reason you would stay.

Not read all the replies.

Yanbu. Your dp is being an arse - I think he's very threatened by your son.

It's a bit rich that he's expecting you to provide his daughter's with something that he never provided them with himself.

He saw you (and your house) coming!

Agree - I think he sees OP's son as a threat to his financial security. OP will obviously prioritise her son , and it may be that he will need help to cope (including financial) and a place in his mam's home for some time yet, and the partner doesn't like this.

OnlyOP can say how valuable this relationship is, and maybe the two of them are usually very happy with each other, but there seems to be a disturbing undercurrent of jealousy and entitlement which I think OP is just becoming properly aware of.

There may, for all we know, be faults on both sides - the son resenting the partner, and the partner losing patience with the son - but this doesn't alter the fact that OP's son is vulnerable and needs to know that he has a supportive family home to go back to whenever he needs it, and he has to be her priority.

I don't envy OP as she is trying to balance the two of them. She obviously loves her son and is prioritising his needs, but has deep feelings for her partner, too.

Posted too soon.

A big red flag, though, is this man effectively trying to make her choose between them, and telling her who she should have in her home, and who should stay somewhere else. This isn't the action of a caring partner IMO.

By trying to dictate if her son can come home, he is threatened and extremely controlling.

By having his children every other week, he no longer probably pays CM.

The OP supplys a home AND free food for him and his children.

He throws her a few bob towards utilities.

So he is wining big time here financially, and is protecting himself primarily.

This is ALL about what works for HIM.

He hasn't provided a home for his own children ever, independently, so like most users and CF's,....... is determined to protect his nice little set up which works so well for HIM financially.

He could care less about the OP's son.

His agenda is to protect his free accommodation and free food at any cost.

He's a tosser.