To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

Are you telling him to go out for a few hours to give you space or are you asking him to move our permanently?

I really think you should ditch your DP. He sounds awful.

Your son deserves a bedroom, so please stick to your guns. But please think long and hard about this relationship. I find it extremely hard that he knows your son is struggling and his answer is to send him to a hotel.

It's yours and your sons house. Not his and his daughters.

I don't claim it is the fault of anyone - what I do think is that OP would be likely to feel responsible.

Most people who have been bereaved in this dreadful way blame themselves even when there is nothing that anyone could have done.

The OP should put her son first in this situation but she also needs to put herself first here. She is with someone who does not care about either her or her son This part of your comment is spot on, however.

Both of them need to be away from the influence and control of this awful man.

He wasn’t having his own two overnight every week until he conveniently moved in with you. I’d love to hear what his ex thought of that!
So if he didn’t even make having his own kids a priority then, he really is taking the piss deciding to put them first when it’s at someone else’s expense. What a prick.

Thank you, @MarieIVanArkleStinks - this is what I was hoping to do.

I think OP is trying so hard to be fair to everyone, but is/was in danger of being bullied by her partner to act in a way that suited him but was detrimental to her son.

I really wasn't trying to lay blame, and that's why I had my comment deleted when it became apparent that it could be interpreted in that way.

Good luck OP. Hope it all goes well.

Just remember that DP is the one who put you in this position. He may make a fuss about being asked to leave 'his' home as he lives there with you as his partner. He could have been supportive of DS even if he didn't feel it for your sake but he chose to be very unsympathetic and cold and try to oust DS from his own home because his presence is inconvenient to him and his DC. Does he expect his children to be able to come stay when they are 18+ or is he going to tell them to find a hotel to visit?

There's nothing wrong with children sharing and it's very nice that SD has the option of having DS's room when he's not there but when he is DS should have a room unless you and only you feel otherwise. Otherwise DP has moved in and booted him out. I'm not trying to be mean in pointing out his situation and how good DP has it but it does need pointing out. We see so many cocklodger posts on here. None of us know any of you but he's not been kind and does come across as quite controlling.

You may already have had many conversations with your son about your relationship with him when your DP came along but if it's been a while maybe it's time for another. Being a young adult can be quite scary. Some people leave home at 18 and thrive, some need more support, if he feels his security is being taken away and feels that DP and SC don't want him coming home could this also be having an impact on him? Although still only a young man maybe time to bring up plans for the future if not already done so.

I hope you have someone to turn to who is supportive in real life. It must be taking quite a toll to worry about DS and on top of that worry about your DP's reactions.

I agree.

You sound so very emotionally detached from this situation.

Are you afraid of this man who has moved into your house?

Please ring 101 and ask them for advice to have him removed.

This is your son's home.

Your severely fragile, distressed son, who needs to come back home.

He's only 20.

12 months after you moved your boyfriend in, he attempted to take his precious life.

This man doesn't want him around and has successfully bullied him to stay away.

I have sons that age.

Have you no idea how much pain that boy must be in to be crying down the phone for help from his mum?

Knowing hes not wanted and welcome because a bully now lives in the home where his dad was?

This trauma will be with him for the rest of his life.

If you want his life to be a long one, get that awful man out of your home now and put your son first.

Ring the police for support.

it's very nice that SD has the option of having DS's room when he's not there

The girls are fortunate to even have this. Bedrooms are private spaces. To be allowed to use someone else's room is a privilege, not a right, even if that room has been vacated for some weeks..

@Silvers11
I couldn’t agree with you more. Well done for kindly enlightening OP.

OP, I hope you can bring yourself to face the truth of this situation you find yourself in and do something about it before your son gets home.

Absolutely agree.

Some piece of work.

Finding a woman with a home, so he can reduce CM and get the woman to pay for all the food too.🙄

You really couldn't make this shit up.

Then bullying the womans son so badly that he attempts suicide 12 months after he has moved in, and the OP still clears his room out and allows her boyfriends daughter take his room.🙄

You really couldn't make this shit up.

Way to go to really make a vulnerable, fragile young man feel terribly unloved and alone.

He's so young.

Heartbreaking.

Very much agree.

Do he and his daughters not eat?
Actually, having read your subsequent responses I think this is all fabricated.
Although there's no doubt many women certainly do allow themselves and their children to be mistreated for the pleasure of having a man living with them

I agree, actually hard to believe this is true.

He's strategically paying towards bills think that will give him rights.

But such is the level of scum we are deing with, won't pay towards the food he and his children eat.🙄

And the OP is prepared to sacrifice her child for such scum.

Unbelievable.

That poor boy.

It is a pity that it is necessary but I'm glad that you are telling your DP to move out while your DS is home.
Your DS really needs you just now.

DP's rejection of your son is also rejection of you.

Yet again another case of ‘no one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live’, then. I find it shocking how OP has not dumped her parasitic boyfriend at the first suggestion of his that she discard her own child. Can’t imagine wanting a boyfriend so badly I’d ever accept that type of man.

The bloke is desperate to not provide for his offspring. If you think your shit boyfriend will refuse to leave your property OP, have him removed by the police. Repair the damage to your and your sons relationship by having this piece of crap in his house for years.

Im going to tell him to leave for however long DS is here for, after the weekend we're going to see how he feels but if he needs more time at home then he can.

Who owns the house op ? Apologies if you've already answered that question

She already said it’s her house this scumbag was moved in to. She won’t answer why she won’t dump him. Poor boy, already attempted to take his life and now being bullied so OP can have her parasite bloke in his home.

RTFT. OP owns the house.

You can see how this will go: OP will ask her child how he’s doing on Sunday, any wavering he know will result in the scummy boyfriend being told to stay away a while longer, which will go down like a lead balloon, so he’ll pretend to be doing ok to smooth things over for OP. Boyfriend will slither back in to the boys home. 🤮

Your bf is a parasitic lesion on the wellbeing of your son.

I wonder if his mh deteriorated when this tool came along.

Please please put your son first.

I am honestly quite horrified at how nasty some of these posts are! We're talking about a family's emotions here, not about people who have no feelings. Yes, it does sound like the man OP has hooked up with is a user, and has not treated her DS very well, but nowhere does OP say that he is going to be allowed to push her son out when her boy clearly needs her. She has said that she will make her partner leave while her son wants to be at home. After all of these bullying messages, I have no doubt whatsoever that she will tell her DS that he is welcome to stay home for as long as he wishes, and if that's permanently, she will give serious thought as to whether or not her having her partner in the home IS really detrimental to her son's wellbeing. I think we've all made it clear to the OP that we think that her partner is in the wrong here, and maybe now we should leave her to get on with trying to sort things out. She came here for advice, not to be bullied, so for goodness sake if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't add to the post.

That's good.

But have you told him yet?

He is going to need to make plans for accommodating himself and his Dds.

It's Friday tea time!

So his dds won’t be coming either? I think it’s what your ds needs.