To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

Actually, no, you are worse, because you are his Mother.

You are definitely doing the right thing by your DS, so take no notice of those who have said otherwise, they clearly haven't read your posts properly. I would tell your 'D'P to sling his hook before your son arrives. The house is yours, and if you think he'll make a fuss about it, next time he goes out, I'd pack his bags, put them out the door, and change the locks. How dare he try and dictate to you about YOUR home, and you're right, he's bound to say something nasty to make your son feel even more of a failure than he's probably already feeling, so I really wouldn't risk him being around when your DS comes home. Good luck OP. I'm sorry that your 'D'P has shown himself to be a selfish, unfeeling bastard. There are definitely nicer men out there, so don't worry about being alone, better that than with a shit like this one.

He can’t refuse to leave, it’s your house and he’s lived there for a very short space of time.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf Stop being so bloody nasty! Read the thread, OP has said that she fully intends for her DS to have his own room when he comes home. She's got enough on her plate without people on here being so horrible. Try walking a mile in her shoes before you jump down her throat!

You sound helpless in the face of your DP's entitled and cruel behaviour , OP. Your son's issues may stem in part from the tension with DP, your lack of strength and commitment in dealing with his serious MH issues. For example, pushing him to stay at uni when it has been clearly difficult and only now allowing him to come home. Mumstters are going to be spitting mad, so prepare for incoming. This man you are shacked up with sounds terrible - to the extent that you yourself now admit that he may not leave if asked to. I would call in burly male relatives and police to enforce his leaving.

If he won't leave you call the police and have him removed!

@Stopthebusplease not nasty, just honest.

you have no idea what shoes I have walked in, or in what way I have experience to comment.

I’ve been in this situation with a very close family member, the fallout of which we are still having to deal with on a daily basis, so wind your neck in.

I hope your son is OK. I don't think going to a hotel would be great as it could seem to your son that he's not wanted at home.
Sounds like the course at uni isn't going great for him. He just might need to do something else for a while. He needs to feel secure in a familiar place for starters.
The college probably offers free counseling to students but maybe he's already engaged with the services at the college. He needs your presence and your attention for a while anyway by the sounds of it.
You are a good mother doing your best.
If you are made to choose, then you have to put the vulnerable young person before the grown man adult DP, because your son has no one except you to take a stand for him.

Of course you don't leave your home and DS doesn't leave his home because your DP who does not own any part of your house is a bully. DS needs to be home. He's only at Uni, that's his bedroom still. He's kind enough to let his DS Sis stay in it whilst he's away- mine wouldn't!!!
It's your house, you own it, get your deeds out/ land registry check costs £3 online to show anyone if you need it.
You can ask DP to leave and he can stay at his mums or a hotel if he can't be nice to DS whilst he's home.

It would make DS feel worse if he is stuck in a hotel even if with his mum.

You literally can ask DP to tone down his behaviour towards DS or choose to live elsewhere (& for good) whilst DS is home as DP has no rights to your house (change the locks if you have to!) DSD (but she's not as you aren't married) stays in shared bedroom at your pleasure or stays elsewhere at DPs parents / her DGPs house or doesn't come. Fgs his snorkel is your DP with his eye on shoving your DS out of his own home when he's still so vulnerable

OP go and get your son early Saturday, get him home and onto his bedroom.
DSD is due to come stay Sunday . Move her stuff to one side and once DS is home, two of you move her stuff into girls shared bedroom.

If DSD or DP kick off in anyway, they can both be reminded this is your and DS's home, you own it and they can go elsewhere if they say another word or can't behave. And mean it.

Anyone that tries to kick my DCs out of their own home - their bedrooms when he's been kind enough to let her use it when he's away - including when at university (uni students are still home 4-5 months of the year as that's out of uni term times!) - even more important in your DS's situation of his mental well-being reason - would be told to leave my house as they weren't welcome anymore.

There was another thread and there was a very strong feeling that no child over 18 has a right to a bed in the family home and that those who live there should never be inconvenienced for the sake of the older teen. The only difference in that thread was that the older teen was the stepchild of the OP and the younger children the bio children. The posters in that thread felt very strongly that at 18, the step son could sleep on the floor or the couch but that the younger children should be in their rooms and beds and should never ever be moved for an older teen. That thread also suggested the older teen could sleep somewhere else if he didn’t like the floor or couch. Not sure why suddenly the opposite advice is being given in this thread.

Not sure why suddenly the opposite advice is being given in this thread

Well mainly because they are different situations. Nearly all step-children have another parent in another house, for a start.

This young man only has his mother and the one house, whereas the two girls spend have their time with their mother.

I didn't see the other thread but I doubt that the step-father or step-mother was trying to kick the older child out of the family home in such an astoundingly heartless way.

Then mumsnet is not a hive brain. There are millions of users, so it is unlikely that the same people are commenting here.

I would be telling him that ds IS coming now and if he doesn’t like it HE can find a hotel for himself and SD.

You tell the cocklodger in no uncertain terms that if he refuses to leave while DS is home, then he leaves for good.
If he refusea you call the police and him removed.
Let him find another mug to house him and his daughters. Your son's life and mental health are more important than this man's egotistical demands, and presumably his daughters have a mother to live with (not that they're your responsibility anyway)

This random other thread that you are probably misrepresenting isn’t relevant here.

Have you read this thread and is your sole concern really tit for tat rather than the OP and her son?

This.
I don’t know why this thread has affected me so much -probably because I have sons similar age and the thought of an only son being treated like this and having no safe space or adult who is unreservedly committed to him is just heart breaking. How can a mother prioritise anything or anyone over her vulnerable child - sounds like hehas had at least 10 years of being treated callously by this man? Even the cry for help in attempted suicide seems to be treated as unimportant.

I am concerned how your DP views your DS. Absolutely SD should share. It's one time and this is his home and he is going through a difficult time. Weirder for DS & SD to share surely?

OP wtf is wrong with you? Where is your self respect? You are letting this freeloading, cocklodging bully of a man call the shots and make your own son miserable in his own home! Grow up! Put your big girl pants on and toss your arsehole scumbag partner in the gutter! You say 'partner' so I presume you're not married. Which means he is merely living with you in YOUR home. Get rid of him, he is muscling in and trying to force your son out of his own home. Any man did that to my son, he'd have his bags packed so fast his head would spin. Put your son first, and not this germ you're with. Raise your standards. He's a pig.

Op you said this is your own home that DP moved into and that he previously lived with a family member before that. Is that because he could not afford a home of his own?

I have to ask, was your home an attractive part of the package of being with you? Is there a mortgage that he contributes to? What happens to the house if you die? Do you have a Will? Have you sought Legal and Financial advice to protect you and your son in the future? Who is best placed to make decisions for you should you lose capacity to do so yourself? Have you got an LPA in place should that ever arise? You may know much more than me about these things and may have already put things in place but if not please do not assume how things will be and do check.

Who comes first for you? If it is your son then make this clear to your DP. It's his home. It will always be his home and in the future will he inherit it? Your DP sounds very very cold towards your son especially the circumstances.

I have a DD who is 12. She would not want to share with a sibling if avoidable but a simple conversation about what DS is going through and she would understand and make absolutely no fuss. As a PP said remind your DP what age your DS was when he lost his dad and ask him to try to imagine his DD's in that position.

I'm afraid I agree with this OP. From your posts and what you've described, if I were you my DP wouldn't have made it as my DP this far to even have this conundrum.

It is relevant. The idea that the step children should always be kicked to the curb and the woman’s bio children given priority is the exact same in both threads. The only difference is that the two threads had the bio and step children in reversed roles so the advice and perspectives did a complete 180. People are so fickle but predictable! At least own the flip flopping.

WTF?
If your son has said he doesn’t want to go to a hotel, it means you’ve already told him that’s what your boyfriend wants?

Still a bit confused about these replies.

This thread was never about if I should get DS or not, we agreed on Wednesday night that I will this weekend. Now I'm being accused of being ‘heartless’, how? Do people even read the whole thread.