To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

WTF? If your son has said he doesn’t want to go to a hotel, it means you’ve already told him that’s what your boyfriend wants?

No, I haven't told DS what DP wants and I don't intend to, he hasn't said he doesn't want to go to a hotel. On Wednesday night he was specifically saying he wants to come home, so that's what he wants.

@jopejob511
His room should be "his room"
For him to come home whenever he wants
The girls can share and need to stop being so selfish

My parents always kept our rooms for us until we had permanent homes with our partners/ families, especially as he's struggled and may need to be home at any time at short notice - this could also be really stressful for him and adding to his anxiety 😟

Make YOUR son YOUR priority
The girls will have to share end of

As it’s your house I’d be telling DP to leave

Different people posting probably.

No one is being kicked to the curb. The step daughters should share to allow OPs son to also have a room. I’d say that if the older one was a step child too and younger were the bio children.

Although I’d never move a partner and their kids into my children’s home. It rarely works.

What are you on about? Where would DS sleep if the SDs don't share a room?

It's still his home, he is at university, he hasn't moved out.

Your son want to come home

Your OP don't

All the rest about your sons mental state is irrelevant

Your op has given you a choice

If he won't act like family and help find space for your son he isn't family

“him. I hope it doesn't come to that though as DS has said he wants to go home not to a hotel!”

Ah, apologies - you mean he said he wants to come home, and he didn’t say he wants to go to a hotel. Rather than he specifically said “not to a hotel”.

How do you feel now that so many people have pointed out that your boyfriend is an utter arsehole to your son? Is it validating what you’ve worried about yourself?

I'm sorry as I've just skim read your replies OP.

Does your DP make a fair contribution to bills and household costs? I just can't get over the cheek of him telling the household owner i.e. You that their own DS cannot stay in your own house.

Good luck Op. Tell someone in real life what you plan to do, then they can come and support you if DP refuses to leave.

Maybe, ask him to leave before your DS and SDs are there. None of them need to see that.

I hope that you and your DS get the space and time that he needs to recover.

@jopejob511 maybe because your replies are not clear enough on what you actually intend to do. You update us on your partner's demands and then leave it hanging, making it sound as if you'll be going along with them. Folk are rightly concerned. Be clear on your priorities and intentions.

Will you be telling your partner to leave (either temporarily or permanently) if he puts up any resistance to your DS having hiss room back? Or if he inflicts his negative attitude on your son? Yes or no?

It’s a forum. OP doesn’t have to tell you her exact plans. What the fuck. Yes or no? Calm down.

Hi op, I'm on your side.
It does make me 🙄 when I read the replies from pp who clearly haven't read your posts properly because they're too busy chomping at the bit to send a nasty reply.
My two cents are...
Your dp is a dick, I feel sorry for you and your DS.
Your DS should come home to his own room, my dd in her 30s knows if the shit hits the fan she can come home as this will always be her home, her safe place.
If your dp was a half decent bloke he'd welcome your DS home with open arms and either try to have a chat / take him down the pub or if they don't have that sort of relationship he should at least say "I hope you're ok, if you need anything I'm here for you" then leave you to it.
Personally I'd show him the door because based on what you say he's not going to be very welcoming and your DS is going to feel awkward in his own home in his time of need.
I hope everything goes well for you, update us ❤️

People are concerned about your ds op. They think you’ve been putting your partner first for a while now. Reading between the lines, it sounds as though the man you’ve chosen has a very strong personality and you’ve allowed yourself to be railroaded to the point of not knowing your rights or to be able to make decisions around your ds. So you perhaps haven’t consciously put him first but you have done so to keep the peace, him being the person, who shout the loudest.

For a lot of parents, the way he’s acted about your ds coming home is a red line. It would appear there have been a lot of red flags along the way, including a grown man treating your ds, who attempted suicide, like he’s an annoyance. It does make one wonder whether your ds would have been suicidal had he not been living with a man, who seems to be controlling his mother and perhaps even abusing him.

OP, you're not getting it. People are telling you to leave the vile germ of a user you're with. Is his cock gold-plated? If not, why haven't you thrown him out already? What is wrong with you that you stay with a man that has no time for your son and wants him to stay away, rather than his two daughters share a room? Are you really this desperate for a man that this germ is what you'll settle for?

Give her a chance

It's bloody hard to realise you need to break up

It's bloody hard to actually do

Feeling attacked online won't inspire you to make any break

I will tell him to leave whilst DS is here, but I'm not sure what to do if he refuses

If he refuses you tell him to leave for good. TBH, I would tell him to leave for good anyway - what does he bring to your life except his own selfishness and spite?

How can you be so blind to your son's distress? And how can you put this horrible man's unreasonable demands before your son's safety?

Yes, yes, yes to all of this.

Plese listen to @Stopthebusplease

The advice in this post regarding a will etc is excellent advice - please get these matters sorted as soon as you can.

Your son MUST be your priority - bring him home, settle him in HIS bedroom, and then make an early appointment with a solicitor to make sure that he is the one to benefit from your (and his father's) financial security.

I wish I could open your eyes to what a dreadful situation your son is in as long as you allow this man to control your lives.

Your DP needs to find somewhere else to stay at least for this weekend/week. Your son needs a safe home with just you, and lots of love and attention which you won't be able to give him with DP and DSD around. It doesn't sound a loving home for him when DP is there. Decide after that week what you plan to do regarding your relationship with DP, but at least for the next week, you need your house back.

It's bloody hard to realise you need to break up

It's bloody hard to actually do

You are right, @midgetastic - it's just so worrying thinking of this poor boy in this awful mental and emotional state. I think OP wants to do her best for him be is being intimidated and coerced by her partner. I feel sorry for her, too, but her son's actual life may be at risk here.

OP: it is this that made people think you had talked to your Ds about going to a hotel:

I hope it doesn't come to that though as DS has said he wants to go home not to a hotel!

Posters are almost all on your side and understanding the importance of your Ds coming home to his own room and a supportive atmosphere.

The difficulty is how you achieve that given your DP’s attitude.

How are things at the moment?

No one would be telling me how I use the space in my house!
Look after your son

OP - almost everyone is on your side and is genuinely concerned about the welfare of your son. I have read all your posts. Every single one and most of the replies from people too

The reason people are still commenting is that you don't seem to understand that the things you have said are demonstrating HUGE red flags about your OP and it is raising concerns because from what you say, it may very well be that your son's Mental Health is at least in a large part, the result of you living with your DP:

I will tell him to leave whilst DS is here, but I'm not sure what to do if he refuses

I hope it doesn't come to that though as DS has said he wants to go home not to a hotel! ( in reference to You and your DS staying in a hotel instead of your DP and his children)

And that is in addition to what you say about your DP absolutely not understanding and not caring about your son's needs right now

It is YOUR home, not your DP's and to be worried that he'll refuse to leave, or that YOU and your son will have to move to a hotel instead of him and his daughters is indicative of how much of a hold he has on you, now he thinks he has his feet well under your table. This does NOT sound like a happy, healthy, normal relationship and will NOT be helping your son's state of mind at all.

You may not like acknowledging that, even to yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but it's what the vast majority of people on here ( almost 100%) are thinking and saying, based on all the things you have said.

Yes - you are obviously very concerned about your son, but it sounds to us 'bystanders' that you are trying to compromise to help your son AND keep your DP happy. If you really want to make your son your number 1 priority then you need to listen to what people are saying - which at the very minimum is that DP needs to at least not be living in your house, while your son gets the chance to deal with his mental health issues - and that may take weeks or months. Not a weekend or a week - That isn't going to solve anything. For your son's sake I wish you could see that.

I feel for you, I really do, but I don't understand why you can't see that? He's NOT your No1 Priority while your DP is still living in the house. I'm really sorry, but the saying 'There are none so blind as those that will not see' springs to mind. And I fear for your son in this situation, I really do

You call the police if this man won't leave YOUR house.

That is what you do.

You have this waster that is using you trying to prevent your fragile son from coming home.

He wants to be boss of YOUR house and prevent your son from ever feeling comfortable in his home again.

THAT is what you do.

You contact police if he will not leave and take his stuff.

If you child takes his life successfully, how much will this man living with you be responsible?

Get him out and do the right thing.

Great post from @Silvers11

Perhaps speak to Women's Aid or Citizen's Advice on best steps and support to get partner out of your home.