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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want SD’s to share a room?

573 replies

jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 12:14

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 03/11/2022 20:34

I have spoken to DP and he's now suggested DS to stay elsewhere like grandparents which I don't really want him to as this is his home and he attempted suicide 2 years ago around this time of year so I do worry and want to keep an eye on him.

Then there is no contest - your son is vulnerable (I wondered how he was coping when you said he'd had difficulty settling at uni)- there's absolutely NO WAY you should give anyone priority over him.

Your partner should think how he would feel if it was one of his girls finding it hard to cope and possibly close to a breakdown.

I'm very glad that you are giving your son priority.

Googlecanthelpme · 03/11/2022 20:35

So let me get this straight- your son who is an adult but still very young in the grand scheme of things, is struggling being away from home. He’s still grieving with the loss of his dad (irreverent how long ago it was) and attempted suicide 2 years ago.

And your partner doesn’t want him at the house (sorry YOUR house) because for one weekend it might make HIS daughter feel a bit put out?

What an absolute prince amongst men. I mean are you for real that you even have to ask if this is unreasonable?

I’d be packing up his and his daughters stuff and shipping him back off to that family member.

No one would ever tell me I couldn’t have my child in my home. When you then throw in serious mental health issues / suicidal thoughts, well they wouldn’t even get the end of their sentence before I’d opened the door for them.

come on OP, everything else aside just the fact he’d happily see another human being alone and suffering than help them is bad enough. But your child? Nah. He’s not a good man.

newfence · 03/11/2022 20:36

Cant help but echo previous posters comments about how much of an affect that your partner has had / is having on your son's mental health.

His father has passed away and you have replaced him with a male figure who has no emotional connection to him and sees him as an inconvenience and a barrier to him getting what he wants. He just wants him out of the way.

Ultimate cocklodger.

Please prioritise your son. And let him know that you are doing so.

BeautifulWar · 03/11/2022 20:40

Fuck that! 'D'P can stay in a hotel with his kids if that's how he is.

Your DS needs you. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Padmanabanambiar · 03/11/2022 20:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WifeMotherWorker · 03/11/2022 20:43

Woah this is your sons home and his bedroom. He hasn’t left home he is at Uni. Have a heart. You are his only remaining parent, prioritise your boy over your partner and his daughters!!!

Silvers11 · 03/11/2022 20:50

I have spoken to DP and he's now suggested DS to stay elsewhere like grandparents which I don't really want him to as this is his home and he attempted suicide 2 years ago around this time of year so I do worry and want to keep an eye on him.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is actually for real? You have spoken to him and he's now suggested your son stays with his Grandparents? Why the AF haven't you made it clear to him that the situation is NOT up for discussion? You clearly didn't when you spoke to him if he made that suggestion to you

No wonder your poor son is struggling with Mental Health Issues. His Dad dies, you move in a BF not very long after, who clearly doesn't like your son and absolutely doesn't care what happens to him as long as he isn't in YOUR and your son's home and you are surprised your poor son is in a bad place mentally?

If you really care for him you need to ask tell your BF he needs to go back and stay with a Family member while your son is at home, for however long that is

Coyoacan · 03/11/2022 20:51

I hope this is a wind-up. I can't believe you are still tolerating that man in your house.

BattenburgSlice · 03/11/2022 20:53

wtf!!! Tell him to sling his hook, entitled cocklodging c##t!

Iloveacurry · 03/11/2022 20:54

I hope you told your DP is do one. It’s YOUR home, therefore your son’s home. Perhaps your DP can go and stay with a family member (and stay there!)

Peashoots · 03/11/2022 20:57

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick. How DARE he oust your son from his own home and act as though his children have priority over yours. How dare he. I would be so angry.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 03/11/2022 20:59

I’d be telling your ‘d’p to move back in with his relative. What kind of person expects you to send your ds elsewhere when he’s struggling?

JangolinaPitt · 03/11/2022 21:01

I’m now assuming this is a wind-up since no-one surely would really countenance this

Original poster
jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 21:12

No, this isn't a wind up. I said in my PP DS absolutely will be coming home and sleeping in his own room, so I'm not sure why some replies are asking why I'm not standing up for DS and picking DP over him, which I haven't and wouldn't.

OP posts:
Liorae · 03/11/2022 21:15

jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 21:12

No, this isn't a wind up. I said in my PP DS absolutely will be coming home and sleeping in his own room, so I'm not sure why some replies are asking why I'm not standing up for DS and picking DP over him, which I haven't and wouldn't.

But the fact that your partner felt could suggest your son stays elsewhere point to his total disrespect for your son.

Tiani4 · 03/11/2022 21:16

Agree with you OP
It's your DSs room he's at Uni so this is his home still. It's your house

SD your DPs DD gets to stay there when he doesn't need or or is home

Your DO doesn't dictate to you what you do in your house your home.

He and his DD can go stay somewhere else

Sounds like your son needs you
I would absolutely do this too if my DS at Uni (who is also 20)

Peashoots · 03/11/2022 21:16

Liorae · 03/11/2022 21:15

But the fact that your partner felt could suggest your son stays elsewhere point to his total disrespect for your son.

Show quote history

Sounds to me like ops partner feels he has his feet well and truly under the table, and has more right to be there than the son of his gone off to uni. Cheeky bastard.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 03/11/2022 21:18

Surely with that attitude he will be making your son feel unwelcome. Anyone who felt like that about my child I would be kicking to the kerb.

SafferUpNorth · 03/11/2022 21:26

@jopejob511 Glad to hear you're standing firm. If I were you I'd also make clear to your partner that you'd prefer to have the house to yourselves. He can take his daughters away for the weekend. The tension will do your son no good.

Good luck

WifeMotherWorker · 03/11/2022 21:29

No one in earth would come before my children. Let alone allowing them to feel awkward in their own home. Maybe you should suggest your DP and his kids stay elsewhere at the weekend, or even better leave for good. Your poor son.

lunar1 · 03/11/2022 22:09

That man needs to be out of your sons life.

nordicwannabe · 03/11/2022 22:15

OP, you're failing your son and picking your partner over him by letting the partner stay in your home when he so obviously dislikes your son, makes him feel unwelcome, and is trying repeatedly to push him out.Your son is incredibly vulnerable. He's attempted suicide before. How can you stomach your partner's behaviour?? If he speaks to your son the way you describe when you're there , how much contempt do you think he shows your son when they're alone? Why can't you see the impact on your son of your partner's dripping poison??

This has got under my skin, and will stay with me. Perhaps it's the horror of wondering whether this could happen to my own child, if I died and DH was lonely and naive in his choice of new partner.

I'm signing off now, I don't want to read more. I really hope you have made this up OP.

billy1966 · 03/11/2022 22:52

So you moved the waster in after 18 months and a year later you son attempted suicide?

He still is saying he should go to grandparents so clearly doesn't want him returning to HIS home.

You waster boyfriend wasn't able to provide a home for his children so pushed his way into your home after 18 months, and you allowed him to.

Unbelievable.

Your poor son.

One parent dead and the other allowing a nasty waster push his way into his home after 18 months.

A mother who won't join the dots between this nasty man pushing his way into his home and a suicide attempt.

So children have it so hard.

I genuinely find it hard to understand how anyone could stand by and allow their child to be in such distress and torment and his still put a waster first.

Original poster
jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 23:47

I will tell him to leave whilst DS is here, but I'm not sure what to do if he refuses though maybe take DS to a hotel and stay with him as I don't want DS to be on his own but I don't want DS around him as DP might say something to upset him. I hope it doesn't come to that though as DS has said he wants to go home not to a hotel!

OP posts:
WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 04/11/2022 00:04

I’m getting angry with you now OP.

if this is real you are as bad as the cocklodger.

your poor Son