To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

I think the SDs should share on this occasion and the DP is being harsh but this "it's your house so you decide" stuff isn't right either. If it was his house, would it be right for the son to stay in a hotel then? No! They are living together as a household and need to make decisions together, the relationship is over if she decides she can take every decision because it's her house.

And I also don't necessarily think we have the information to know that she did him a favour by letting him move in, for all we know, they both owned houses and she was keen on keeping hers and he sacrificed his choice of location and home for her preferences, we simply don't know

• if DS is there - that sound read.

The OP’s son is not a guest!

No, he isn't a guest, but he isn't living there full time. In any case I agree with the OP that the sd should share so he can have his room. The point I was trying to make is that it isn't unusual to shuffle around to accommodate family.

Wow. I think he'd be out on his ear if my husband said anything like that about my DS - but I think you know he's a knobhead for saying that. Your poor boy , I've got one at Uni too and it's so tough x

It's your son's room and he needs comforting as he's upset about his dad dieing. Your partner has issues and is a dick.

You need a new DH your one is broken.

Your partner seems to bang on about respect an awful lot. How respectful is he being to you and your son? It is, after all, your son's home.

How much does your partner pay towards your home? If he's demanding two separate rooms every other week, that would cost quite a bit if he were renting.

I’d split the rooms like I would if they were all 100% biological siblings because all your kids are your kids: the son would be in one room, the daughters in another. That’s what’s best for all involved, and I would never send ANY of my children to a hotel if they wanted to stay at home. If your son’s room is empty and he’s away living elsewhere, then there’s not really an issue with one of the daughters using it; but it’s not empty if he’s staying over, is it? The size of the room isn’t really an issue, as the daughters generally get the use of it. You don’t actually need to switch your son’s room to the smaller one for what amounts to a one-off visit where they overlap; it might send the wrong message to your son who is having a difficult time, and if you feel the need to switch room sizes later on, that can be arranged with all parties prior to the next visit if it’s still a problem. Of course, if your son doesn’t care you can do as you like. But his feelings matter as much as the daughters’.

I don’t imagine your husband suggested that one of his daughters sleep in a hotel did he? What an absurd thing for him to say. I’d be packing him off to a hotel himself (and at his own expense) because obviously he feels that two people can’t be expected to stay in one room. Maybe he could take one of his daughters with him too, and get her a separate room and pay for that as well, which should solve the issue to his own satisfaction.

This!
Totally think guy out of order here but so much projection on this thread! I do think it helps in these set ups to probably sell the ‘family’ home and buy something together as a couple.

who is being unreasonable? 100% your DP. Your son is struggling, it's the anniversary of his father's death, and he can't agree that his daughters can share ? Jesus christ.

You're meant to be a family so the step kids shouldn't mind sharing. Your DP is an absolute shit.

It's your sons room. He is at uni he hasn't left home. What about reading week, Christmas, other breaks? Your partner is definitely being very unreasonable and unkind. If he has an issue he should go stay in the hotel with his daughters.

OP’s son is not a guest! It’s HIS house. The house doesn’t belong to his mum’s bf or his kids. OP’s son hasn’t permanently moved out. He’s only at Uni during term time and is back at Christmas, Easter and the summer. He’ll also be living there a while once he graduates. The step sisters/daughters are guests, as is their dad. The girls should always share a room whenever they visit. Neither of them should be sleeping in OP’s son’s room.

Very true. OP’s bf needs to rent his own 3 bed house/flat so his daughters don’t have to share. I bet OP’s ds would rather share a room than have a dead dad. Those spoilt step daughters (are they even ‘step’ if OP is not married?) and boyfriend don’t know how good they have it. @jopejob511 please put your son first. Your bf sounds awful.

All 3 need a room. There are only 2 rooms. The only 2 that can share are his daughters. It's not about whos home it is and who feels welcome, it's simply not practical any other way. If he doesn't want his daughters to share then he'll have to stay elsewhere with them for the weekend.

Exactly this. Nail on the head.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm glad I'm not BU and I will absolutely be bringing him home and doing something nice with him. The reason I've been visiting him recently and he's not come home was to try and get him to stick at it but he has tried but he wants to come home so he can.

DP was previously living with a family member before he moved in with me, he moved in with me almost 3 years ago. When DP first moved in with us he would buy DS things often but after a few months of it DS told him he didn't want him buying anything and after that they didn't really talk to each other.

I have spoken to DP and he's now suggested DS to stay elsewhere like grandparents which I don't really want him to as this is his home and he attempted suicide 2 years ago around this time of year so I do worry and want to keep an eye on him.

Lovely - he doesn't like your son because your son didn't want another dad? He didn't want him to buy his affection? Your partner is an arsehole.

Your partner suggested you tell to your son to stay with his grandparents while his 2 children use all the bedrooms in your house? Wtaf?? Tell him to piss off, who does he think he is, that house is more your sons than his. Grow a backbone and stand up for your son

Good grief, again, why an earth aren’t you sticking up for your son and making it clear to your live in boyfriend that he doesn’t get to dictate when your so can and can’t spend time in his own home. Your son has been suicidal- he needs to be the priority here. Again why can’t your selfish boyfriend spend a few days with his own kids somewhere else and give you a bit of space with your son? He’s either insanely jealous of your son or just an all round selfish controlling arse but for your sons sake grow a backbone and get your priorities straight here.

I have spoken to DP and he's now suggested DS to stay elsewhere like grandparents which I don't really want him to as this is his home and he attempted suicide 2 years ago around this time of year so I do worry and want to keep an eye on him.

Why are you with this bloke? He sounds like a weapons-grade cunt.

It's unfathomable.

And also, I'm not sure bringing the boy home IS a good idea if your cunt boyfriend is still there when he arrives.

Please prioritise your ds. Particularly as he has made a suicide attempt previously. Your partner needs to be more understanding. This is not on.