To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

Oh OP, I'm absolutely raging on your behalf! Your partner is an absolute knob. Nothing to add to the unanimous YANBU from all the other posters, other than to reiterate... it's YOUR HOUSE, your DS's only home, he's really struggling and needs home comfort and support. This weekend, he could do without your partner's negative attitude towards him.

If I was you, I'd tell your partner that you would like him and his DDs to spend the weekend elsewhere. And make clear that your son's room will always be just that - his room - and that any use of it by his DD respects that.

People genuinely underestimate the need for all young people at uni to have a home base - but for your son especially.

If you partner doesn;t like it, he can move out.

Good luck.

I suppose you do a lot of stuff for your SDs, if your P cannot see that…
1)It is your son’s room
2) It is your house
3) Your child needs support
…. I would be telling him that he may stay on the weekend but his DDs will have to stay with their mum while your child is here and once he is gone, they will share a room or, he needs to find a way to house them in the style he wants (not you) and NEVER to the detriment of your son.

How is this weekend going to pan out @jopejob511 Will your dp step aside and not make a fuss about the girls sharing if you put your foot down?
Or is he likely to be aggressive, passive or otherwise towards ds?
It's not going to do your ds any good if he comes home and feels unwanted.

Tell D that DS will sleep in DS rom while he's at home.

If the little girls refuse to share a room, then only one can come; the other will have to stay home with her mother.

Your 'D'P is failing as a stepdad!

Your DS needs and deserves a room in the house...and a full-sized space in your life too.

I’m sorry but your partner sounds a cunt. He doesn’t care about your son. He can pay for a rental property for him and his daughters preferably permanently

We don't have enough bedrooms for everyone so one of my DD's sleeps in the study (which we thankfully have) when she visits. (my DD's don't want to share)

This. Absolutely this. Your partner sounds absolutely vile

I think both you and your Son deserve better. Why is that man in your home ?

Of course your DS takes precedence here. I think you just have to be a brick wall and make it clear this isn’t a debate, your DP’s input is not needed or welcome. It is your home and what you say goes. Just repeat DS is back and will be in his room so SD will need to move.

To suggest that your DS should go to a hotel when he is coming home because he is struggling, is just outrageous and I would say so outright….no, that is a ludicrous suggestion DP and it makes me wonder if you can actually function as a member of this family.

It sounds like your DP will look for any reason to snipe at your son…it’s perfectly normal for him to opt out of some things you do with the younger ones, but then your DP slags him off for not spending time with them…but then suggests he stay away in a hotel. No. Your DS is most important here. Be direct, tell DP in no uncertain terms that his behaviour has been ridiculous and that your DS will come home to his own room and a welcoming place. If DP can’t support that that he can go to a hotel, with SDs if need be, for the foreseeable.

I can't imagine how your partner could think that staying in a hotel on his own would be ok for your son when he's going through a difficult time. It's not unusual for siblings to prefer not to share but your son needs his room more than the girls need a room of their own at the moment.

You say the issue is his room .. I would say this is the tip of the iceberg. The real issue is your partner and his disgusting unattractive attitude to a young man in need at the most difficult time of his year.

As a mum who is a lone parent to a much younger son I could never imagine a future day where I would move a partner in to our home that my son does not get along with and allow someone who makes him so uncomfortable in his home dictate that he should go to a hotel. Never mind adding in the trauma your son must have from losing his dad. I am furious for your son and hope you have had the sense not to mention any of your 'D'Ps demands to him.

Your son needs you - he is not coping and he is asking to come home. I would welcome him home with open arms and be so grateful I had a relationship where he could ask for support. He is trusting you in telling you he is struggling and you need to meet this with care and love. He should absolutely have his room - it should be a safe space if he is struggling mentally. I work with older teen boys who have broken down with me but are adament they cannot ask for support or help at home. You clearly have had a close relationship with your son for him to feel he can call crying. Do not take that for granted.

I would be seriously rethinking the partner - I do not say that lightly. He clearly does not like your son!

Your son will sense how your partner feels towards him. Such a sad situation.

Book a hotel for your partner and his daughters.

Your son is entitled to his room.
If it's the case that they only moved in when he moved to university, then part of this could be that your son has been displaced and feels insecure both in university and then feels insecure at 'home' too because his room has been taken by another.

Why is your SD entitled to his room? They aren't that far apart in age, they can share of course!

You are being bullied.

There you go then.

It’s your house, off he goes. Hope the door hits him on the way out!

Your DP is an absolute arsehole. How dare he try to shut your son out of his own home when in need.

LTB

OMG! Your P is a D! And D does NOT stand for 'darling' in this instance!

Your DP thinks it’s his house to use so he can act like fucking Disney dad who never says no to his kids, at your detriment. I would be bloody careful not to marry him as if you die he is telling you he won’t give your DS his share.

This whole thing would be a dealbreaker for me and I’d be giving DP a month to find somewhere else to live and remind him he said your vulnerable child could stay in a hotel so what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

My brain reads RTFT as f*cking not full

It’s your bloody house!
This would be wrong even if it was your boyfriend’s house - but it’s yours !

I think the arrangement you have is fine - he still has a room at home, because he hasn’t fully left home yet.

Whilst he’s away, your boyfriend’s daughter is kindly allowed to use the space.

But when he’s back, she doesn’t.

And now - he’s coming back.

So follow the usual pattern - the girls go back to sharing.

Your boyfriend sounds like an arsehole.

It's your house? That makes it even worse! Of course DS gets to stay in his own room, especially when he's feeling so low. I'm quite horrified that your DP has suggested that this unhappy lad should stay in a hotel and not in his own home! I don't think I'd want to stay with someone quite so unfeeling.
Hopefully you will spell it out that this is DS's home, and that DP is the one who should be looking at it as temporary base, not DS. It should be DS's home for as long as he wants it to be.
I might add that when DS2 went to uni, DS3 moved into his room as it was bigger. But he understood that this was on the basis that he always vacated and went back to the boxroom when DS2 was home.It really wasn't an issue.
If SD's can't be flexible then I would suggest they don't use DS's room at all.
Can I ask, although maybe this isn't about money, does DP pay rent and more than half of the expenses? Or is he like a cuckoo, trying to eject your son and install himself and his daughters at your expense?

I'm glad you posted here OP - and yes you are reasonable.

It is really important not to think of all 20 something Uni students as entirely adult and not in need of a home base. Uni can be very challenging for many - in all sorts of ways. (Losing a father would be one.) Having a base can make all the difference.

My daughter's friend took his own life at 21- last Feb. Reasons unknown - but we do know that final year Uni was suddenly too much for him and it is true that neither of his parents had a home space for him any more.

What do you think to all these responses OP and what are you going to do?

Your DP is being unreasonable, shockingly so considering he's coming home because it's the anniversary of his father's death!

Wow

Your DP is completely unreasonable. Poor ds, he should absolutely have his room back when he needs some support.