To think this man was patronisingly rude at work?

[FluffySlippers12]

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post. I just wanted some thoughts on a strange occurrence I had at work today.
I’m a supply teacher. I returned to one of my long-term schools today to find that an agency TA has been covering a member of staff in my usual class. He seemed nice enough- at first that is. After the class teacher (who I was covering) left, he asked me several questions, including whether if I was usually in this class, am I on agency, how do I find that etc. I didn’t really think anything of it- these aren’t unusual questions in a school amongst agency staff etc.

However throughout the day he began to make unnecessary digs and rude comments towards me, that nobody else noticed. It started before break time when another staff member told him that the students’ snack list is stuck to the cupboard as she had to leave the class. Seeing that we were short staffed, I asked him if he wanted help preparing the snacks (this is normally the TA’s role but I’ve always offered to help if I’m not busy). He answered ‘Er, yeah?’ As if somehow in his head it was a no brainer and that it’s part of my role to help him. It isn’t and I was just being nice- which completely not only went over his head, but HE was rude when I offered him help- who does that? At the kitchenette area, since he was prepping stuff, I asked him who was having what. He proceeded to point to the list above the cupboard (that he had only just been told about himself) and said ‘the list is here- do you see it?’ When he did this, I got a very uneasy feeling. What was I supposed to reply to that? I could’ve made a sarcastic remark back but the truth is, I was completely blindsided and the passive aggressive attitude just came out of nowhere, I’d never met the man a day in my life and at that point I'd had no problem with him.

Other examples are, before break I tried to reach for a ball that was on top of the cupboard and he said ‘don’t worry about that’ and swiped it himself. Someone watching may have thought it was innocent and helpful enough but it seemed somewhat sexist- I’m a tall woman and would’ve gotten it a few moments later. I thought it odd that he said ‘don’t worry’ and did it for me rather than asking whether I needed help.

The last thing he said that was completely unnecessary was me suggesting that he make his way to his next class as it was time. One of my colleagues stated that we needed his help to get the kids to the next classroom so we could all go down together. He then added ‘that makes sense.’ AIBU to think that this man was unnecessarily rude and passive aggressive? I really don’t know what his problem was but it gave me the creeps that it seemed so targeted. I want to add that my colleagues really seemed to like him and one of them was even giving him compliments like ‘you’re a natural’ etc. which obviously wasn’t helping. They were oblivious. Towards the end I made up my mind to just dismiss him and avoid contact. The last encounter I had with him was opening the classroom door as he was about to make his way out. I was so p*ssed off by then that I just walked through it first. He then (again, passive aggressively) said ‘Can I get through the door?’- I completely blanked him as again it was an unnecessary comment. Just writing this I can’t believe this person’s behaviour. I was nothing but nice to him at the start of the day, probably too nice, which he possibly took for weakness.

The whole ordeal made me extremely uncomfortable and really reminded me of that dynamic you see in emotionally abusive relationships where one person is constantly putting the other down but no one else can detect it but them? It’s hard to explain. At first I just thought maybe he was a sexist or something but the class teacher had nothing but good things to say about him and it began to dawn on me that he seemed to behave this way after learning the information that I was also on agency and decided I wasn’t worth respecting, which is absolutely disgusting if true. I’m just really confused as to why someone would behave like this? Any thoughts or similar experiences with odd people and behaviours at regarding perceived hierarchies/status at work? Is there a name for this type of personality or behaviour because I’m so baffled and offended. I’m supposed to be working with him one more day and as you can imagine, I’m hardly looking forward to it. Also please don’t tell me to confront this person, a classroom is not the place for that, I barely know him and he is likely to be moving on anyway. I also supposed he’s the type who would feign innocence or make it seem like I was crazy if I did bring anything up as his behaviour was so subtle at times. I do wonder if this individual treats women like this in his personal life, it really bothered me. He was such a red flag.

Just an update. Thank you to everyone with their lovely messages acknowledging that they could infer that this guy was being an absolute twerp or at least annoying. A few comments? Fine, but this was at least 5 comments/actions throughout the morning.

I also forgot to mention to everyone that it was raining so we had wet play for part of the break time. I had some kids' songs playing on YouTube and he goes to the teacher's desk and turns it down- this guy's behaviour was not okay.

To the authors of the nasty messages here, making up details that don't exist/twisting words and making me out to be the rude one- how amusing! I am not someone who cares about authority at work- if I were I wouldn't be a supply teacher. Hence why I was having an informal friendly chat with this same man at the beginning of the day. The fun part of being supply for me is chatting away to other agency staff about the role. Some of you deliberately skip over the fact that I said his attitude CHANGED once he realised I was ALSO agency staff (albeit long term). I tried to be nice about it but it absolutely isn't my job there to prep snacks and all of the TA's in the classroom have been there for a gazillion years and are actually quite protective of their tasks (that could be a whole new thread in itself)- this man had no right to react that way to my offer of help as if it were a given- we were appointed there to do two separate roles and I could've easily sat there minding my own affairs with behaviour management etc. at that time. Some of you seem really triggered by the snack thing, if so, you'll need to get over it. I explicitly stated I'm happy to help but it's still not my role in this specific placement.

Anyway the following day he got the message. I was perfunctory, took away the cheery friendly air and all the rude/unnecessary comments from him the previous day ceased to exist, like he was a new person. I actually can't stand power play but if someone's going to be a twerp about things repeatedly, at some point you might need to bite back. Yes, telling him to be on his way may have been interpreted by 'some' as rude, but actually, it was time and we were running behind in a different part of the school- I also had two other TA's with me in the class PLUS I was sick of the snipes by then. Walking through the door, again, as someone rightly said, retaliation for the constant quips and I don't regret it based on how he was being. He was great at his role, I have no problem acknowledging this but his attitude which he made sure was subtle and out of earshot/ undetectable to everyone else wasn't needed.

Also I've never posted to Mumsnet before (been a lurker for years never had a login), but I did make sure to create a very 'Mumsnetty' sounding name to fit in based on the names I've seen on here. I really hope you don't invalidate the real people in your lives like this- what a disgusting trait and sure fire way to drum up conflict and drama for no reason.

Thanks again to all of you who 'got it'- and even those of you who thought it was an overaction but validated my feelings at that particular time. I completely forgot about it by Thursday afternoon, hence why I'm only just coming back to this post!😊

Hi Op

I had to look at your thread a couple of times as at first I didn't get it,

Then I got it,

I hear you,

Your colleague attitude is irritating gets under your skin,

As he comes as a Mr know it all, and talks to you like a child, or like you are bit slow,

Like what we used to say years ago around my neck of woods,

Another words he talks down in a patronising/condensing manner,

Like as if you just come out of university and its your first week of doing teaching work in classrooms,

He is quite comfortable being like that around you,

As its so subtle passive aggressive manner,

It's difficult to put your finger on it,

I don't mean to be a cliche /predictable

But I do see a definate sexist element to his behaviour,

I doubt very much he be like that to a male colleague,

Unless this male colleague had just come out of university and he was first time teaching,

So he perceived him as either a threat, being so young achieving qualifications like that, or if there was imbalance of perceived power play dynamics such as he is older and you or imaginary colleague are younger than him,

The only thing about you post Op I didn't get was the last point you made,

To me he was just being helpful, I think you are over acting about him reaching the ball like that,

In todays society climate, a male being helpful even in a innocent way, , like that can obviously perceived as being sexist mans splaining I think term is,

Op
Whoever or wherever you work you allways or quite often get that collegue male or female who can seriously irriate the hell out you,
Its a real bonus if you have the good blessing to work with collegues who you get on with Ok with or could amagine become friends outside work with,

h