To think this man was patronisingly rude at work?

[FluffySlippers12]

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post. I just wanted some thoughts on a strange occurrence I had at work today.
I’m a supply teacher. I returned to one of my long-term schools today to find that an agency TA has been covering a member of staff in my usual class. He seemed nice enough- at first that is. After the class teacher (who I was covering) left, he asked me several questions, including whether if I was usually in this class, am I on agency, how do I find that etc. I didn’t really think anything of it- these aren’t unusual questions in a school amongst agency staff etc.

However throughout the day he began to make unnecessary digs and rude comments towards me, that nobody else noticed. It started before break time when another staff member told him that the students’ snack list is stuck to the cupboard as she had to leave the class. Seeing that we were short staffed, I asked him if he wanted help preparing the snacks (this is normally the TA’s role but I’ve always offered to help if I’m not busy). He answered ‘Er, yeah?’ As if somehow in his head it was a no brainer and that it’s part of my role to help him. It isn’t and I was just being nice- which completely not only went over his head, but HE was rude when I offered him help- who does that? At the kitchenette area, since he was prepping stuff, I asked him who was having what. He proceeded to point to the list above the cupboard (that he had only just been told about himself) and said ‘the list is here- do you see it?’ When he did this, I got a very uneasy feeling. What was I supposed to reply to that? I could’ve made a sarcastic remark back but the truth is, I was completely blindsided and the passive aggressive attitude just came out of nowhere, I’d never met the man a day in my life and at that point I'd had no problem with him.

Other examples are, before break I tried to reach for a ball that was on top of the cupboard and he said ‘don’t worry about that’ and swiped it himself. Someone watching may have thought it was innocent and helpful enough but it seemed somewhat sexist- I’m a tall woman and would’ve gotten it a few moments later. I thought it odd that he said ‘don’t worry’ and did it for me rather than asking whether I needed help.

The last thing he said that was completely unnecessary was me suggesting that he make his way to his next class as it was time. One of my colleagues stated that we needed his help to get the kids to the next classroom so we could all go down together. He then added ‘that makes sense.’ AIBU to think that this man was unnecessarily rude and passive aggressive? I really don’t know what his problem was but it gave me the creeps that it seemed so targeted. I want to add that my colleagues really seemed to like him and one of them was even giving him compliments like ‘you’re a natural’ etc. which obviously wasn’t helping. They were oblivious. Towards the end I made up my mind to just dismiss him and avoid contact. The last encounter I had with him was opening the classroom door as he was about to make his way out. I was so p*ssed off by then that I just walked through it first. He then (again, passive aggressively) said ‘Can I get through the door?’- I completely blanked him as again it was an unnecessary comment. Just writing this I can’t believe this person’s behaviour. I was nothing but nice to him at the start of the day, probably too nice, which he possibly took for weakness.

The whole ordeal made me extremely uncomfortable and really reminded me of that dynamic you see in emotionally abusive relationships where one person is constantly putting the other down but no one else can detect it but them? It’s hard to explain. At first I just thought maybe he was a sexist or something but the class teacher had nothing but good things to say about him and it began to dawn on me that he seemed to behave this way after learning the information that I was also on agency and decided I wasn’t worth respecting, which is absolutely disgusting if true. I’m just really confused as to why someone would behave like this? Any thoughts or similar experiences with odd people and behaviours at regarding perceived hierarchies/status at work? Is there a name for this type of personality or behaviour because I’m so baffled and offended. I’m supposed to be working with him one more day and as you can imagine, I’m hardly looking forward to it. Also please don’t tell me to confront this person, a classroom is not the place for that, I barely know him and he is likely to be moving on anyway. I also supposed he’s the type who would feign innocence or make it seem like I was crazy if I did bring anything up as his behaviour was so subtle at times. I do wonder if this individual treats women like this in his personal life, it really bothered me. He was such a red flag.

I had a teaching assistant like this. She was permanent, and quite senior. I had a shitload of books to mark and when I hinted for some help she said ‘well its the job of the teacher isn’t it’. Several other comments like that, seemed like she was showing me her place in the school.
But it isn't her job to mark books to help you with your workload. Marking class sets of books is the teacher's job.
Instead of hinting for help with your marking you could have, assuming this was in her contracted working hours, have directed her to mark the books of the children she had been working with as that would be appropriate.

Imagine if he'd opened the door for you! What a dick!

You're either overthinking or there some other subtleties that don't come across in your post but he's probably on mansnet somewhere and asking why this teacher kept giving him weird stares when he answered her questions and helped her grab a ball.

Try talking to him normally and then you'll soon find out if he's got a problem or whether you're sensitive to others fawning over him.

The job isn’t irrelevant. How does a teacher sorry out silly squabbles between children, when she’s creating her own, with other adults?!

I guess it must have been the way he said it because I can’t really see what is that bad..?

I’m sure you’re not a imagining this and that he is really irritating and difficult to work with. Little patronising comments as though he is the boss and not you, for example.

However, the best thing to do is to ignore it and assert yourself (appropriately) when necessary.

I imagine working with someone making small digs all day would be frustrating and it's difficult to convey the tone 'Err. Yeah' can be said in a friendly way, or a nasty pa way, same for everything else that was said.
Some people are arses and will treat you like crap if there's nothing to gain by being respectful in a workplace setting, you are basically supply so have no influence.
I think sometimes the best way to deal with these kind of people is to either flatter them to get them on side 'what a fantastic job you are doing' , which is I suspect what is going on when other staff are being complimentary, or just directly challenge them. Or seeing how you are only there a short time, just ignor

I think he feels inferior because he is only a TA and you’re a teacher. I would have minimal contact with him. If his behaviour continues, speak to someone in authority about his unpleasant attitude.

Clearly you have never worked in a classroom. Yes, his behaviour is unpleasant. The OP doesn’t need to put up with that from someone whose job it is to help the teacher.

I can’t help reading the OP as though it were a Morwenna Banks sketch…

I think when a lot of men come into a primarily female environment (like a primary school) they can become a bit King of the Castle and arrogant. I'm putting it nicely here

not at all, I used to do supply and had a female ta like this. I was in my late 20s and she was 50s and she sounds very like the op story. She'd constantly say the kids behaved better with their class teacher,making me feel shit and she'd comment on pay rates ''you agency staff'' are on and calling it ''extornorniate''. She'd also actively undermine me by taking kids out of the class to slt when she knew she was supposed to put that through the teacher 1st.

I had another woman do similar to me in the next school, she was a teacher though and my age but I got very bad vibes off her like she'd actively exclude me at the staff room table in her clique. I think when you are supply you can just be disrespected and looked down on by others, it says more about them than you though.

I understand exactly what the op is saying but it's hard to describe it though to others who aren't there as it's not an open aggressiveness they display with clear examples, it's more like subtle passive aggressiveness that's hard to pin down/articulate to others.

@FluffySlippers12 and @psycho2

I have seen over the years that some people are attracted to the teaching/education/childcare/health care profession for the wrong reasons. They aren’t particularly suited for it and they really are not as competent as they should be. Some people enter into those professions because they want to have access to vulnerable people or they want to have power over others or they can’t find an alternative career that they would be good at or they think anyone can do it. As a result they will belittle or undermine anyone else who is good at their job unless they see a benefit to themselves to suck up and further themselves. There is a kind of politics involved in education. It can be challenging to navigate.

But never, ever lower yourself to their level.

@FluffySlippers12 Have you previously had another username very similar to this one? If so, then you seem to want the moon on a stick at all times. If you are the poster of a similar name, I'm not surprised you're struggling with your entirely unrealistic expectations of the world of work, in particular, your relationships with colleagues.

If you aren't, then it still applies.

If it's the same poster madnessitellyou I'm amazed they've managed to get a job in a school, but then I can think of a few people the year I trained who should never have passed, and subsequently went on to have a lot of issues with schools.

I know what you mean OP. He feels inferior to you and is trying to put you in your place. He will lick up to permanent staff members but not to a supply teacher.

The thing is, you ARE a supply teacher and that gives you less power and status than if you were fully committed. You can’t get rid of him and you’ll have to suck that one up a bit.

But if you’re good at your job you shouldn’t have to put up with constant low-level unpleasantness. The trick is to remain super-professional at ALL times. Stick rigidly to your job description - this means you don’t ask him to help you outside of his role and you don’t go outside your role. No familiarity or small talk. Just talk pleasantly but very specifically about what needs to be done. If he is passive aggressive you don’t react by being sulky or cross or upset (eg you shouldn’t have walked in front of him and not held the door). You blank the behaviour and remain PROACTIVELY pleasant, professional and focused on the job. He doesn’t get to choose your mood or dictate your responses. Obviously if he is being overtly aggressive or not doing his job you can advise him in a professional manner that specific instances will be discussed with senior management. Otherwise just ignore and remain professional, professional, professional.

I also wondered this, I'm reminded of a poster on the staff room boards from a little while ago.

Remove the last digit from the user name. I think those of us who thought this entire thread was odd may be shown to be not so silly.

You just haven't clicked as people or as colleagues.
It happens. I don't think there's a huge amount of fault on either side.

Fuss about nothing. Over reaction to comments that could be taken either way in a busy workplace. The "That makes sense" comment wasn't even to you it was in conversation with your colleague. You had previously "suggested" he get to his classroom "as it was time" - Wow! I'd be really pissed off if someone chided me like a little kid in that way. It sounds like you were the snippy one. He may well have been snippy back - difficult to say.

If you walked through a door before him in the way that your post implies and then blanked him - it sounds as if you were rude. Never any need for that in the workplace.

It comes across like your nose was put out of joint because he was a man, he hadn't worked there before so didn't know the form but he was popular. You think you are superior and want to get validation from MN by couching it as sexism.
As pps have said - just move on and focus on the children getting a good day's teaching.

He sounds a bit... spikey, as someone might if they've just settled into a new place and then someone else who is super familiar with everything having been there before, arrives... particularly if their attitude is a bit 'and who the fuck are you?!'.

You asked him two bloody obvious questions - does he want help, well duh, who wouldn't. Who is having what - its on the list, you were there when the location of the list was revealed - I think 'do you see it' was a bit rude but I'd be on the back foot a bit if someone was weirdly asking me the bleeding obvious...so i might well come out with something a bit jarring, accidentally!

The rest seems like you're over sensitive, but then he opens a door to go through it and you barge through first - RUDE!

I don't know how much of his rudeness was really him, or him reacting to you, only you really know that. If no one else has an issue with him though, theres a strong chance the problem lies at least partially, with you!

Thanks, it's funny how some people on the thread get it and others think I'm completely over the top. The thing is, you know when you're being patronised and there's a physical reaction (annoyance) that comes with it too.

Thank you! It actually did help to get this all down, I'm indifferent about it and he's well on his way now but boy was I annoyed that day! The constant digs got to me.

Thank you! Some of the responses certainly are hostile but they don't bother me :) I know my post might seem like I'm fragile but I am FAR from it. I've been teaching for years and worked with difficult colleagues, toxic environments- the lot. This particular individual however, got up my nose on that day because it was this constant hint of sarcasm and condescension that was completely unwarranted. Beforehand I had been chatting away nicely to him and it's only once I said I was agency, that his attitude changed. Having stepped away from the scenario, that's my conclusion.

Thank you! There's some really WEIRD responses here and I'll guess it's individuals wanting to take out their own crap on others which is pathetic. I treat people at work nicely, until I feel they're taking the completely mick, at which point I will become indifferent and the niceties go out the window and they get the straight faced version of me and I will only relate to them in a perfunctory manner. It's not how I like to be at work, but when necessary I will.

I didn't mention it in the post but I think she subtly found him attractive 😆The way she said it softly and fluttered her eyelids at him. That's why no one was none the wiser about the underhand snipes! I didn't want it to detract from the post so left that detail out!

Thanks, it's funny how some people on the thread get it and others think I'm completely over the top

it's mn, you could be telling people your house was robbed and you'd be told yabu for living in an expensive area and it was inviting robbers.