To think this man was patronisingly rude at work?

[FluffySlippers12]

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post. I just wanted some thoughts on a strange occurrence I had at work today.
I’m a supply teacher. I returned to one of my long-term schools today to find that an agency TA has been covering a member of staff in my usual class. He seemed nice enough- at first that is. After the class teacher (who I was covering) left, he asked me several questions, including whether if I was usually in this class, am I on agency, how do I find that etc. I didn’t really think anything of it- these aren’t unusual questions in a school amongst agency staff etc.

However throughout the day he began to make unnecessary digs and rude comments towards me, that nobody else noticed. It started before break time when another staff member told him that the students’ snack list is stuck to the cupboard as she had to leave the class. Seeing that we were short staffed, I asked him if he wanted help preparing the snacks (this is normally the TA’s role but I’ve always offered to help if I’m not busy). He answered ‘Er, yeah?’ As if somehow in his head it was a no brainer and that it’s part of my role to help him. It isn’t and I was just being nice- which completely not only went over his head, but HE was rude when I offered him help- who does that? At the kitchenette area, since he was prepping stuff, I asked him who was having what. He proceeded to point to the list above the cupboard (that he had only just been told about himself) and said ‘the list is here- do you see it?’ When he did this, I got a very uneasy feeling. What was I supposed to reply to that? I could’ve made a sarcastic remark back but the truth is, I was completely blindsided and the passive aggressive attitude just came out of nowhere, I’d never met the man a day in my life and at that point I'd had no problem with him.

Other examples are, before break I tried to reach for a ball that was on top of the cupboard and he said ‘don’t worry about that’ and swiped it himself. Someone watching may have thought it was innocent and helpful enough but it seemed somewhat sexist- I’m a tall woman and would’ve gotten it a few moments later. I thought it odd that he said ‘don’t worry’ and did it for me rather than asking whether I needed help.

The last thing he said that was completely unnecessary was me suggesting that he make his way to his next class as it was time. One of my colleagues stated that we needed his help to get the kids to the next classroom so we could all go down together. He then added ‘that makes sense.’ AIBU to think that this man was unnecessarily rude and passive aggressive? I really don’t know what his problem was but it gave me the creeps that it seemed so targeted. I want to add that my colleagues really seemed to like him and one of them was even giving him compliments like ‘you’re a natural’ etc. which obviously wasn’t helping. They were oblivious. Towards the end I made up my mind to just dismiss him and avoid contact. The last encounter I had with him was opening the classroom door as he was about to make his way out. I was so p*ssed off by then that I just walked through it first. He then (again, passive aggressively) said ‘Can I get through the door?’- I completely blanked him as again it was an unnecessary comment. Just writing this I can’t believe this person’s behaviour. I was nothing but nice to him at the start of the day, probably too nice, which he possibly took for weakness.

The whole ordeal made me extremely uncomfortable and really reminded me of that dynamic you see in emotionally abusive relationships where one person is constantly putting the other down but no one else can detect it but them? It’s hard to explain. At first I just thought maybe he was a sexist or something but the class teacher had nothing but good things to say about him and it began to dawn on me that he seemed to behave this way after learning the information that I was also on agency and decided I wasn’t worth respecting, which is absolutely disgusting if true. I’m just really confused as to why someone would behave like this? Any thoughts or similar experiences with odd people and behaviours at regarding perceived hierarchies/status at work? Is there a name for this type of personality or behaviour because I’m so baffled and offended. I’m supposed to be working with him one more day and as you can imagine, I’m hardly looking forward to it. Also please don’t tell me to confront this person, a classroom is not the place for that, I barely know him and he is likely to be moving on anyway. I also supposed he’s the type who would feign innocence or make it seem like I was crazy if I did bring anything up as his behaviour was so subtle at times. I do wonder if this individual treats women like this in his personal life, it really bothered me. He was such a red flag.

Ignore all those people saying you’re overreacting.
I work with someone similar, and he’s so slickly charming, and it’s so fake. Some people see it, most don’t, but the school has gone downhill since he started (small school).
I don’t have any suggestions, but just know some people will/do hear you.

ive found the best way to deal with passive aggressive comments is to respond as if you’re totally unaware of the implied aggression. So in response to ‘can I get through the doorway’ you just smile and say yes of course, as if it were a non issue. The other method is to repeat what they just said, so when pointing to the list and saying ‘do you see it’ you say ‘do I see the list?’ and again smile or laugh. You want them to know that their digs are of no consequence to you, it’s a form of bullying and as soon as they realise they’re not getting to you, they’ll stop. Often they’ll do a complete turnaround and try to win you over.

I've read the OP several times.

OP arrives as the supply teacher in a class where there is a TA she hasn't worked with before

He initiates a conversation.
OP finds the questions off.

Breaktime- Here I'm confused. OP says it's TA's job to sort out snacks and shows him where snack list is. Then offers to help him. Then doesn't like it when he says yes please. Then asks him about snacks. So he shows her list that she's showed him. Which she doesn't like.

Possible interpretation here:
1 He doesn't know teachers do not help with snack preparation
2 Other teachers have mucked in and helped him with snack preparation
3 He doesn't think he should be preparing snacks
4 He started preparing snacks and was happy to accept offer of help from teacher but then bemused that she asked about list when it was her who showed him list in first place.

He got a ball down off a cupboard that OP was reaching for.

Again, interpretation is key. Did he:

1 Pass it to OP
2 Run off with it in manner of Mr Poppy in Nativity and refuse to give it back.

(If OP is so tall she can reach ball herself, where was he at the point she started reaching for it that he managed to get there first?)

He opened a door to walk through it and OP went through first and that's somehow another example of what a monster this man is. No, me neither.

OP tells TA he needs to go off to his next class. Then someone else days TA needs to help (OP?) to get the kids sorted. Confused about this one. (possible interpretation is by now TA is thinking that he wished people would make their minds up as to whether he's supposed to go, or stay and help)

In all of this passive aggressive behaviour (and I'm not talking about the TA) did any children get any semblance whatsoever of a lesson?

Well, he sounds like a bit of a tosser but unless I've misunderstood, you're only together for one more day so I'd just grin and bear it.

I've read the post several

Do you think there could be unconscious bias at play here? Any race/class/ lifestyle issues between you?

This is gloriously PA and I will be using it in future 😀thanks @TitInATrance !

Times*

Ignore. You are probably spot on - he has nothing to gain from being nice or showing you respect, because you are also supply staff. You are the only one seeing his true colours. There are lots of people like this in the work place.

The only bit that was rude was you
Pushing past him to get through the door.

The only interaction that stands out as anything other than “normal” is the incident with the snacks.

Seeing that we were short staffed, I asked him if he wanted help preparing the snacks (this is normally the TA’s role but I’ve always offered to help if I’m not busy). He answered ‘Er, yeah?’ As if somehow in his head it was a no brainer and that it’s part of my role to help him. It isn’t and I was just being nice

Perhaps he was picking up on your “it isn’t part of my role to help but I’ll be nice and help” attitude? Perhaps as an agency staff himself he is sick and tired of teachers treating TAs as second class employees? Or he was expecting you just to muck in as you said yourself you were short staffed and he was taken back you even had to ask? I wouldn’t have I would have just done it. You also knew where the list was so why didn’t you just look? You are giving the impression you think you’re better than him because he is merely the TA and you’re the teacher.

The rest I honestly cannot see the issue with. You said yourself him asking questions at the start are all perfectly normal chat given the situation… so why are you jumping automatically that “something is off”?

God forbid the fella do something nice like a get a ball down when you appeared to be struggling or agree with a sensible idea.

You appear to have gone in with an idea of who the TA would be and aren’t happy it’s someone else, and are automatically against this guy.

i hope you had a more pleasant attitude for the kids sake tbh. They’ll be able to pick up on the unpleasant atmosphere you’re projecting.

I actually can see how this would get to you over the course of a day. It's hard to say based on one single day, but bullies don't always bully in an "obvious" way. I am not saying this is abuse but lots of incidences of abuse or coercive control would look trivial when written down individually. Indeed that's how the abuse continues - the victim is told they're being over sensitive and imagining it. It's the overall tone of voice, body language, passive aggression over a longer period that can get to you.

It has only been a day though so I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's possibly just an awkward person or was nervous and it came out badly. All you can do is give him a bit more time and see if things improve.

I think when a lot of men come into a primarily female environment (like a primary school) they can become a bit King of the Castle and arrogant. I'm putting it nicely here.

I would be polite, friendly but not overly friendly and he can do the fucking snacks himself. He's not worth your worry.

I get it OP.
I think those who have said its "you are the teacher, he is the TA" (and he doesn't like that dynamic) are right. TA here (and happy to do my job, also aware I'm not in charge unless in an unusual situation where teacher is absent/otherwise occupied).
Fantastic post by @xPeaceX 👌

sympathies! Have been in similar and it’s very discombobulating.
agree with yah thanks but he’ll be gone soon so I would smile and not let in, not worth causing a fuss that might bite you in the bum later

I'm guessing you’d have to be there to appreciate the subtle tone and undermining behaviour. But the one I really don’t understand is the “yeah, that makes sense” incident. I really can’t understand what’s wrong with him saying that?

I returned to one of my long-term schools today to find that an agency TA has been covering a member of staff in my usual class.

On re-reading, this became more significant than it was the first time. From his point of view, he's been at the school longer than OP, even if only by days/weeks, and she's a newbie of no consequence, because agency, bossing him about.

He does sound like he thinks she should be deferring to him.

(The door incident was clearly OP being rude, though in retaliation for earlier events, but the fact that he said what he did, instead of perhaps being silently bemused, is indicative of an aggressive attitude on his part.)

I disagree with those saying nothing's going on, this is definitely a conflict between two people who both think the other has lower status. (And one of them is right.)

I disagree with those saying nothing's going on, this is definitely a conflict between two people who both think the other has lower status. (And one of them is right.)
I think you're probably right about conflict on who has status, but think both of them are ridiculous for getting into it.

The teacher Vs TA status worldview is the sort of thing that can create unpleasant working environments. Teachers and TAs are equal, with different roles and expertise.

If I'm covering a class and there's an existing TA, then I use my common sense and judgement to listen to their insight and knowledge of the class. It sounds like this TA views himself as higher than an agency teacher, but then it also sounds like the OP seems to view herself as higher because she has covered the class before and isn't happy that this TA isn't who she had previously.

It's all very childish and is likely to affect the atmosphere for the children

Why offer help to do the snacks and then be annoyed he took you up on your offer, and then be pissed because the TA should be doing the snacks?

Opening the door & allowing you to go first? That’s just basic manners.

I’d have killed for a TA like him (and god knows, the schools I’ve worked in needed more male role models with so many pupils, especially boys, having no positive male role model in their lives). As it was, when I was teaching TAs didn’t exist.

I have however worked with plenty of supply teachers who seem to get the vapours when, heaven forbid, someone helps them. Believe me, the permie staff will collectively sigh with relief when such teachers toddle off to their next school.

I agree.

Also decide beforehand that you won't actually allow the comments to bother you. I have occasionally met people like that, they are sly about the way they do this to some people while being sweet as pie to others.

Agree about pulling him up at every sarcastic/rude comment with, 'Are you ok? That sounded quite rude.' And leave him to justify himself.

I would have taken it that he just had a stupid sense of humour driven by deep seated insecurities and ignored him. You are a long term supply teacher there obviously the school like you.
I think you need to exam what has happened in you life that you are so triggered by this behaviour.

I think that's a valid point.
IF (and it's a big "if") the TA was pissed off over the snack thing- then, given the OP is also temporary staff and it was her first day (back) in that class, but evidently not the TA's first day, then presumably he already knew snack protocol and the OP telling him what he needed to do came across as her being PA.

Just spotted that the OP also takes issue with him being complimented as doing his job well. Hey ho.

I would have found some of that rude and would have said something after the second comment. Maybe something along the lines of ‘there’s no need to be rude. We have to work together so let’s try and be polite.’

I had a teaching assistant like this. She was permanent, and quite senior. I had a shitload of books to mark and when I hinted for some help she said ‘well its the job of the teacher isn’t it’. Several other comments like that, seemed like she was showing me her place in the school.

Anyway, I got over it the day after and perhaps you should do the same. Shitty people will always be there when your on supply. But many times they are great people who you can get along with too.