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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
NameChangeForARaisin · 02/11/2022 19:06

Ooof, that poor girl.

AssumingDirectControl · 02/11/2022 19:08

Got to be a reverse or… similar … and OP has dropped it in and done a runner.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/11/2022 19:10

My brother didn’t move out of home until he was about 28. He left the house about 10am, by 2pm his bed had been taken to the dump, room had been painted and decked out in Laura Ashley curtains and lamps! There was no going back for him and my parents made sure if it. Of course your step-daughter should get the bigger room! How long do you intend to keep it as your son’s room just in case things don’t pan out? He’s a big boy.

Soubriquet · 02/11/2022 19:11

AssumingDirectControl · 02/11/2022 19:08

Got to be a reverse or… similar … and OP has dropped it in and done a runner.

Probably hasn’t come back because she saw the replies and didn’t like them

keepcalm11 · 02/11/2022 19:12

My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago

DH is correct a per the above .
Son is not a 'kid' he is age 25 ,plus he has moved out . If he wants to vist overnight in future he can take the samller room

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/11/2022 19:12

@Met82, you have answered your question in the title of this thread - you have called it the spare room, not your ds’s room. It is completely unreasonable and unfair of you to make your stepdaughter stay in the small room just in case your son might come back!

If something does go wrong, and he has to come back, he won’t be homeless or sleeping on the couch - he’ll just have to make do with the smaller room - and if it has been good enough for your stepdaughter, there is NO reason why it won’t be good enough for your son.

Pixie2015 · 02/11/2022 19:13

Let the girl move if she wants to such a waste

StoneofDestiny · 02/11/2022 19:15

Crikey! He's a grown man - why would he ever move back to his mothers house at that age?

JudgeJ · 02/11/2022 19:17

0o0o0 · 02/11/2022 16:50

I don't think it's unreasonable for your dsd to move into the bigger room.
Your son has moved out and there's room if he stays so no issues.
Maybe out of courtesy mention to your son you are letting dsd move into it as he's not there much anymore.

Isn't this what happens in families? When I was going off to College my brother made a claim for my bigger room and it seemed fair to me. He didn't in the end do so because he got a training apprenticeship and he too was living away.

Merryoldgoat · 02/11/2022 19:17

My PIL had repurposed DH’s old room within a week.

FictionalCharacter · 02/11/2022 19:17

YAB extremely U - it isn’t his room any more because he’s moved out of the house completely and has his own home. It’s just one of the rooms in your house now.
This is one of the most unreasonable AIBUs I’ve seen. I hope that poor girl isn’t hearing you and DH arguing over whether she’s worthy of finally having a better bedroom because it’s been vacated by an adult.
Sorry OP, your baby boy is an adult, has left home and is responsible for his own housing.

thenewduchessoflapland · 02/11/2022 19:19

I left home at 18 and my parents moved my 11 year old DB into my room the same day.

If your DS and his partner split perhaps he should get somewhere of his own instead of moving back home to mummy;you sound over invested and need to cut the apron springs.

mam0918 · 02/11/2022 19:19

Mlb123 · 02/11/2022 19:01

I think the fact that this is your bio son and your stepdaughter could be making it seem a certain way more so than if they had both been your bio children or both been your step children. For all anyone knows you may have lived at that home with your son before your husband and stepdaughter moved in and that would make it perfectly natural that he had the bigger room and even if not then it's actually pretty standard for the elder child in a family to get the bigger room. You've not suggested any problems with your relationship with your stepdaughter so there is no real reason to think that you are playing golden child and putting your son first arbitrarily over your step daughter , but on Mumsnet many people have had awful experiences of step families and that does make them sensitive to the potential of such things in threads where there are stepfamilies so I would hope that you can understand that and perhaps it will be addressed in your replies if not already xx

It could be a younger bio sibling who was born a decade after DS but OP would still be unreasonable in the instance.

HE DOES NOT LIVE THERE AND IS QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD.

This isnt about who had the bigger room first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2022 19:20

Just placemarking to see if this is a reverse or a wind-up.

notmyrealmoniker · 02/11/2022 19:21

Seriously? He has moved out. Its his choice and you're saying a 17 yo should stay in a small bedroom 'just in case' a 25 year old MAN decides to move back. YABVVVVVU

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/11/2022 19:22

The person who lives there is the priority. Time to cut the umbical cord!

Flutterbybudget · 02/11/2022 19:23

I don’t think that YABU to expect a conversation about it, before it was declared as a done deal. Neither do I think your DH is BU to want his Daughter to have the larger bedroom.
My son has just moved out, and his siblings are squabbling over HIS bedroom atm, but I’m not letting them move into it just yet. I “get it” completely, that you want to be sure that their lives are working out the way that they wanted, and you still want to be that safety net, in case it doesn’t. I also remember my younger sister being given “my” bedroom, the minute my own parents threw me out, and how it made me feel.
But there’s a big difference between being thrown out, or being given no say, and having a frank conversation with everyone involved. You will probably find that your son is perfectly happy to “swap” with his sister now.

chazabella · 02/11/2022 19:23

You are being very unreasonable here in the sense of the bedroom. Do I think it is wrong it was discussed without you yes but even if it was I still think dsd should now get the room. Look at it the other way. Dsd moved out and had the bigger room now ds wants it what would you think and say. Even if your ds moved back home in the worst case scenario why should he still be entitled to the biggest room.

3peassuit · 02/11/2022 19:25

He’s 25, it’s highly unlikely he’ll ever be back to live with you. Give her the bigger room.

Cancersurvivor · 02/11/2022 19:26

This happened to my son, when his step sister left the house to move in with her partner. My son was never given the bigger room with the en-suite bathroom. It lay empty for years, if her daughter came home. His father should have spoke up. But he never had any balls. Give the room to the young 17year old, put the shoe on the other foot if he did that to your son/ daughter.

ScarlettnotOHara · 02/11/2022 19:26

YABU in a huge way .

shiningstar2 · 02/11/2022 19:28

You have a 25 year old who has left and a 17 year old who is still in the home. Even if it doesn't work out with ,35 year olds gf, he's not that likely to be making a long term home with you again. A possible stop over maybe while he gets his next independent move out of the family home underway ...but long term? Not likely. In the mean time you have a 17 year old at home living in the smaller room. .. if the 17 year old was your DD I think you would think differently. He has enjoyed the bigger space as the oldest for years. He has moved out now with an even bigger space of his own ..na full flat? If it all goes pear shaped he has a home and a small room waiting for him until he's ready to spread his wings again ...lucky young man with supportive mum and stepdad in gill agreement that there is always a home waiting for him. Come on op ...it's dear sd's turn for a notote space now. 😃

shiningstar2 · 02/11/2022 19:29

25 year old not ,35 😁

shiningstar2 · 02/11/2022 19:32

Sorry for typos. Dear step daughters turn for bigger space now 😃

Pallisers · 02/11/2022 19:34

Like everyone else I think you are being unreasonable.

But I wonder if this is just a slightly bonkers reaction to your realisation that your son has left home and won't ever be living with you again. Yeah he might stay with you for a week or so between rentals or when buying but the days when your home was his home are gone. My son is 25 too. He moved out a couple of years ago and it took me a while to realise that he really and truly no longer lives with us. He has a home of his own (well rented) and a bedroom there and the room we call "his" room is just a spare room really with memories of all the years he slept there.

I think it is one of those life stages when you realise home means something different to your children than it does to you - so maybe this accounts for your overreaction.

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